I wish we could have met

Dearest Sweet Baby,

I was hoping I would write this letter months from now after we worked together to deliver you safely into my arms. Sadly, it must come now. I want you baby. I want to hold you, look into your sweet eye, kiss you. I want to nurse you, and introduce you to your big sister. I want you. But I know this can’t be. I know it is time for you to go. I know that I will never meet you alive. I want you and I have dreamed of your birth for a long time. Every contraction I feel I know you are closer and closer to being drawn home. Although I did not want to loose you, we are still going to work together so that you can go Home. Every pain I feel, I know you will soon be in the arms of My Father. He wants you, and will care for you. Although you will not be joining our family here, you are still apart of our family. We will never forget you. You will not be brushed under the rug, you will be acknowledged, loved, cherished and missed.

It is 3:00 a.m. on December 13, 2011 and I feel you beginning to leave me. Although this wont be a pleasant birth and it wont end with you alive, we will still work together. I will still allow you to leave me on your own timing and I will work through the pain as I would have months from now. Although this birth will not end with my holding you in my arms, it will end. I want to continue to feel this pain because I know when it stops, you are gone. My sweet innocent baby, I am so sorry that I could not bring you into this world. I love you so much dear baby and I long for the day that I can finally meet you.

Forever your mommy, forever in my heart.

To the baby we never got to meet, mommy and daddy love you!

Birth Doula

I have decided to go for a dream that I've had for a while. While I was pregnant with Gracelyn I had developed this passion for learning about pregnancy and birth. Although my birth with Gracelyn did not play out exactly as I had expected or hoped, I learned SO much from it. I don't think my passion would have developed as deep as it has if it weren't for my birth experience with Gracelyn.

I have decided to start my training to become a birth doula!

A doula is a support person for women during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Doula's help to inform women on their choices, support them through labor, help them plan their desires for their birth and accompany them during labor. A doula is not a medical professional, and cannot offer medical decisions, but rather helps to give the pros and cons to various decisions that need to be made, and help the pregnant mom to be informed to make a decision. Doula do not replace the husband, rather they can help assist the husband to know what to do during labor and what to be prepared for throughout the pregnancy.

I begin this week with my training and I am so excited for what is to come in learning. I should finish up in a few months with the training. I also have to assist 2 women through their pregnancy/birth as apart of my training. I am excited to see how God is going to use this passion and training in my future. Please pray with me as I begin my training. I am so passionate to help women understand the potential their bodies have, and how God created us.

"I think one of the best things we could do would be to help women/parents/families discover their own birth power, from within themselves. And to let them know it's always been there, they just needed to tap into it."

John H. Kennell, MD

Fears

I have not posted in a while, forgive me. I have been working through some things and school started back up, so it has been a bit busy.We just went on a week long family vacation with Tim's family. It was nice to be able to see them, we miss them so much!

I have really been struggling with fear lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unplanned, and fear of the uncontrollable. This came out a lot on vacation because I had never taken a baby on vacation before so there was a lot of unknowns that came along with it.

Tim's sweet amazing family has the wonderful quality that Tim has of being laid back. This is a wonderful thing to have, especially on a vacation. I however, struggled a lot with the unplanned and not knowing what to expect. I have always liked to "control" things but this has never been stronger as it has been lately. I think my desire to "control" things has grown lately due to all the things in my life that are "uncontrollable" such as Austin's death. Control is a funny thing. Do we ever really have control? The sense of security I feel from trying to control something is not founded on solid ground. There are so many things in life that I just frankly have no control over. Instead of allowing myself to get anxiety over it, I have instead decided, by the grace of God, to work on controlling one thing: my attitude.

One thing that I got to do on vacation that was very therapeutic for me was parasailing! I was about 300 feet above the island of Put-in-Bay. Of course I was scared, allowing a million thoughts of what could go wrong enter my mind. Finally I just relaxed, surrendered my fears and basked in God's Great Creation. I sang worship songs to ease my fears, and allow God to gain back control of my anxiety. Although this helped me while parasailing, God has continued to remind me when I have fears that He is God, He is Good, and He is faithful.

A step of faith for Tim & I has been deciding for me to go back to school. Tim is still in school full time, and working. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Gracelyn, for now. I decided to go back to Lincoln Christian and try to finish my associates before any other babies make their way into our lives. I should finish up next year. I am very excited to be able to do this, and learn deeper about God's word. Although going back to school has it's own fears of time and money, God is faithful and Good. It make get tough, but He will carry me through.

Sovereignty of God

Sometime I think that we tend to believe that we are the main characters in the story of our life, that God is just an added “extra” in our story, granted He may be an important “extra” but nonetheless there can only be one “main character” in the story of our life, and sadly, most of the time that is me. I think a lot of times we say the we surrendered our life to God, but it is hard to really see your life as completely surrendered. Do you really surrender your role as the main character? It is very hard sometimes to see my life as just an extra in God’s story. As an amazing blessing as this is, it is still hard for my prideful, American, ‘it’s all about me” lifestyle to grasp. When painful things happen in our life, it is very easy to ask, “how a loving God could allow this to happen?” The question takes on a completely different outlook when you approach it with the mindset that we are an extra in God’s story. Ultimately, whatever happens, as painful as it may be, God can turn it back to His Glory. Now, this may sound all fluffy and nice, but this doesn’t mean we wont experience pain, hurt, and disappointment, but we don't have to experience it alone.

I can only begin to imagine the vast difference of emotion that God is feeling when He looks upon different painful situations in my life. The emotions I feel after Austin’s death are so very contrasting and almost contradicting.

I am happy that Austin is no longer hurting and that God created an amazing story out of Austin’s life and death; but I am sad, very sad, that I don’t get to see his face every morning, that I don’t get to smile everyday as I watch him play with Gracelyn, and that I don’t get to stay up late talking and sharing with my brother.

I am at peace as I see God’s hand in Austin’s story, and that God was able to teach me so much during this time, and I am peaceful with understanding more about the sovereignty of God; but I am fearful, fearful of the unknown, I am fearful of what could happen in my life that would cause more pain.

I am so unbelievable excited when I think back and share about all the events in Austin’s life and what God taught us all during the month of June, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to use Austin’s story to heal, help, and bring hope to others; but I am also depressed, depressed that he is gone, depressed that Gracelyn will never know her uncle, and depressed that Austin never got to experience the joy of Christ while living on this earth.

I do not think that God caused the death of Austin, but I do believe that He used and is using the hurt, pain, and fear Austin felt, and the hurt, pain and fear I feel now for His Glory and His Goodness.

I have been reading over the story of Joseph in Genesis the past few weeks. This story is such a perfect example of the sovereignty of God amongst human choices. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and after 20 something years, he is reunited with his brothers when they come to the town to get food for the famine. The enter into Egypt to buy grain from the governor of the land, whom happened to be the brother they sold into slavery years ago. God was with Joseph, even with the evil actions of his brothers, God was with Joseph, and brought him out of slavery, out of prison, and into the palace to become the governor of the land. When Joseph confronts his brothers he says to them, You sold me, you did this to me, but God, God sent me!

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today.” Genesis 50:20

David Platt shared a very good explanation on how these two opposites, can coincide with one another:

“God did it all. Now how does this work? How can the brothers sell him and God send him? This is where we see, in the Old Testament and all throughout Scripture, two unexplainable friends. First, divine sovereignty, “God sent me. God did this. God sent me to be a slave, to be a prisoner. God did all of this.” So, God is in control of this whole picture, sovereign over the whole picture. But that does not mean that the brothers had nothing to do with it. Second, divine sovereignty and human responsibility, “You sold me into slavery. You decided to do that. You made a choice.” And so the picture here is divine sovereignty and human responsibility, both side by side. Now how do you reconcile those two together? Unexplainable, but undeniable. It’s all throughout Scripture. It’s the mystery of divine sovereignty and human responsibility, and we must be careful. The conclusion here that we’ve got to come to, based on this picture in Scripture, the responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We’ve got to be careful when we think about the sovereignty of God not to begin to think that we’re just puppets in a play, robotically doing whatever is mandated that we do. We have responsibility. We have choices that we are held responsible for. This is evident. The responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We are all responsible for the actions, decisions, choices we make. Responsibility of man cannot be ignored. At the same time, the will of God cannot be thwarted. God will carry out what He intends, guaranteed. Even in the worst of circumstances – slavery and an imprisoned dungeon – Joseph says, “God sent me here.” Divine sovereignty, human responsibility; the will of God cannot be thwarted. God intends things.”

So as I continue to feel the vast array of different emotions I hold onto the truth that God is sovereign; even in the pain, hurt, and fear. He is Lord.

Diary of a Dying Man

One week before Austin's death he wrote a journal entry. Austin hadn't journaled much, in fact this was his first and only entry in this journal. On this night, Tim & Aaron were talking with Austin outside and Austin began to tell them how unworthy he felt to even talk to God. Tim told Austin he should try to journal out his prayers. So later that night, Austin did just that.

Now, before I begin, I want to make extremely clear that I in no way want to ignore or overlook Austin's privacy in sharing his journal entry, however, after many conversations with Austin about what he wanted his life to mean, I know he would want me to share this to uplift, encourage, and comfort some of you. Austin told me many times that I could blog about his life because he truly wanted to help people. He wanted his story to make a impact on someones life. Little did he know how great of an impact he life is making now.

Here is his journal entry, I will post what it says underneath so you can read it better.

June 23, 2011

"God,

I know we haven't done this like this before so to begin, I ask that you can please help me to open myself up to you. I feel lost and forgotten, not just to you but to everyone. I feel like a big let down to everyone; like my life is just here to bother and test others. I need you now, I need your love and strength. I need to feel you and I wish to know you. I know that I have not allowed this before, but if you are the God I hear about, that you will be here for me now that I am willing and open to feel your love, your touch, your strength, your wisdom. If you could just reveal yourself to me, I believe I can be the person you made me to be. I feel like you don't think I am ready to know you. I fear that you don't think it is time for me to be done with this pain...like you need me to experience more hardships, but I don't have the strength to go back out alone. I will die if I don't find you now. It is not that I fear death, because I don't. To me it sounds like a release, but I fear that I will stay here and just hurt more people. I have too much guilt for the pain I have caused and I cannot hurt people anymore. In order to survive, the guilt will kill me. I need you God; I need you to help me to be the good person that I know I can be. I need to help others in order to fill this hole I have and to quench the guilt. Please forgive me and show me your light. Also, and most importantly help me to not give up while I am trying to find you. I need only enough to keep on going. If I don't find you now, I fear it will never happen. Thou will be done, not my own. Please help me to understand what your will is, so that I may fulfill it. I love you, at least the idea of you. If you are not there to help me, please show me my path or at least where to turn in order to stay on the path to you."

Austin Roberts

I would also like to add to the story of what we know about Austin's death. After an investigation from detectives, they believe what happened that night was that Austin went to Springfield to get drugs. There showed no signs of a planned suicide. Although the coroner has not ruled Austin's death yet, the detectives believe that it was an accidental overdose. Although no one will truly know what fully happened that night and where Austin's heart was at, I am blessed to get a glimpse into a conversation he had with God just a week before his death. I pray that you would be encouraged to pour your heart out to God as well. Sometimes our prayers are not perfect, or pretty, because sometimes our lives are not perfect and pretty. Don't be afraid to pour out to God how you truly feel. He knows it anyway!

A choice to make

It has been a very long week. Yesterday was the day of my brother Austin's funeral. In some ways I always kind of knew I would be there one day, but yet, I still seem to remain in such shock. It seriously blessed my heart so deeply to see the love and support of our friends and family, but it was very hard to see you all hurt as well.

Nothing about yesterday was easy, but yet God still showed up in amazing ways. I am so glad that God is using this blog to bring comfort and peace to some of you, but I want you all to know, this is the story God wrote, I am just relaying the message. I once again was taken aback by so many of you who were touched and encouraged by the story and life of Austin.

I have been struggling this week with keeping the reality of his death. I know he is gone. I know I will never see him again. I know he wont walk down my stairs holding Gracie. I know he wont sit in the stupid recliner in my living room playing video games. I know he wont call to ask me to pick him up from his sponsor's house. I know this, yet I am still struggling. As the shock slowly begins to fade, the realization of all of this is coming through. I find myself slipping out of reality. I can't seem to wrap my mind around Austin being dead. Most times I just feel like he is at rehab or back in Rockford.

My mind slowly begins to allow the reality to come back and this is when it hurts the most. Although I know he is gone, it isn't until I allow it into my reality that it truly hurts. And it isn't until I allow myself to experience this hurt that I can truly heal.

Who wants to feel pain though? It is so much easier to cope with pain by not thinking about it, covering it up with substances, or just allowing anger to build inside. I think a lot of times when tragedy strikes, I always tend to find it easier to deal with when I act like everything is okay.

I find it interesting to watch people during a tragedy and witness the different types of coping mechanisms. There is the person who is angry, the person who ignores it, the person who tries to make light of the situation by making jokes, the person who overreacts, and I am sure many more. We all deal with grief and pain differently. I know that without the Comfort of my God, I would tuck it all way down inside and try to ignore it, until it eats me alive.

I am amazed at how God has been carrying me through this past week. Now that we are back home, and things are about to get "back to normal", I think this is when it is going to be the toughest for me. Then funeral plans are over, the cards stop, the family is 2 hours away, Tim goes back to work, and it is just Gracie and I, alone. This is the point at which I can make a choice. A choice on how I am going to cope with the sadness, fear and pain. I can choose to tuck it away, I can choose to ignore it, or I can grab hold of this pain and hand it over to my God, and ask Him to carry me through, moment by moment.

How amazing is Our God?!

When Austin was living with us, (you can read about other posts here and here) we were working on Step 3 in the AA program. This step is this: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him." This step was difficult for Austin because he continued to say that he did not understand how to surrender to God. Austin was in such pain and agony and he continued to say that he didn't know how to do it. We read Psalm 25 together a lot, and it truly spoke to Austin. I will copy this Psalm for you to also read, and maybe it will help you to turn your life over to God, and surrender.

Psalm 24: 4-21

4 Show me your ways, LORD,

teach me your paths.

⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you, LORD, are good.

⁸ Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

⁹ He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

¹⁰ All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.

¹¹ For the sake of your name, LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹² Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?

He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.^[b]

¹³ They will spend their days in prosperity,

and their descendants will inherit the land.

¹⁴ The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

¹⁷ Relieve the troubles of my heart

and free me from my anguish.

¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

¹⁹ See how numerous are my enemies

and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;

do not let me be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope, LORD, is in you.

I have been in such awe of how God has already been working through this horrific event. I truly wish I could sit down with every single one of you who are reading this and share with you all the emails I have received and all the words people have shared. I have received words of love, prayer and encouragement. What dropped me to my knees this morning were all the emails I have received from some of you. I am blown away by how God is already using Austin's story to change your faith, and ultimately draw you closer to Him. He is doing just the same in me as well.

How truly astonishing that the Creator of the world, Father of Austin, would use this situation and bring goodness from it. Not that in anyway God caused this situation to happen, because that would be false. Sin has entered the world and because of that sin, we are separated from God, and it is also because of that sin that we see the pain, hurt, and death in this world. But please, have hope dear reader, that it is because of the love of our Father, that He sent His only Son to die a death that we deserved, so that He could be in relationship with us. I can only begin to imagine the sacrifice that was.

It is also because of His love and His goodness that He took this horrific situation with Austin, and turned it for His Glory. I have received word from some of you that God has used this testimony of Austin's life to rejuvenate your faith, and draw you into a deeper surrender to our Lord. Others of you, I have received emails from you that God has used Austin's testimony to reconnect Himself with you, after guilt, shame and fear has drawn you away. And from even more of you, I have been reading that God has used, in just this short amount of time, Austin's story to connect you with a God that you never knew before. HOW AMAZING IS OUR GOD!?

I woke up this morning to another email from one of you, and again it just floored me. I could do nothing than to drop to my knees in praise to my Father for how He is working.

Thank you all so very much for sharing with me how God is working in your life through this situation. Please continue to share, it is truly blessing my soul.

God's story in Austin

The last blog I posted was about my brother Austin, you can read it here to get an update on his stay living with us.

Austin lived with us for a month, he had struggles but I have never seen more miracles in my life than I did during this last month. We would stay up late most nights just talking about God, Christ, and how much He loved Austin. It was so amazing to see how much God worked in Austin's heart over this last month. In the beginning of his stay with us Austin began to acknowledged a Higher Power, but by the end of the month, we were sharing about Christ again and read in 1 John 5 with him. It looked like a light bulb went off in his head, and he said, "I can understand this now."

Austin never prayed a prayer of salvation that night, but I know how faithful my God is, and I KNOW that he spared Austin's life during SO many other suicide attempts so that Austin could have that month to know and understand God, and he did.

Saturday night was our best friends wedding. Tim & I & Gracie were all apart of the wedding party. My parents came down and attended the wedding with my brother. At the reception right before Austin left, I grabbed Gracelyn from him and told him I loved him and good bye. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Sunday afternoon we realized some money missing from our account and saw it got transferred into Austins account in the middle of the night. We began our search for him. The police tracked his phone to Springfield, IL so Monday morning (4th of July) my parents headed back down from Rockford to go with us to search for Austin.

We took 2 separate cars so that we would be able to cover more ground. Tim & I drove around, and spotted his car. Tim ran over and found him passed away. I will forever be grateful that Tim held me so that I would not see my brother in this way. I will never forget the screams I heard from my mom, or the look I witnessed on my dad's face.

As horrifying as this day was, I can still see God's hand in the story. Sparing his life so many other times just until Austin would have the opportunity to hear and learn about God. I am in such awe of my God and so thankful for the opportunity.

As I sat in the detectives office he was interviewing me about my relationship with my brother. I began to pour out the story of how God worked and what He did to spare Austin life during other attempts just so he would know Him. I told him about God and how much he did during Austin's stay with us. The detective looked at me with tears in his eyes, shut the recorder off, and said, "In my line of work, I struggle everyday with how there could be a God with how much hurt and pain there is in the world. But listening to you, I truly believe what you are saying, and how God worked."

God is going to take this horrible tragic event, and turn it for His goodness and His glory. What an AMAZING God we serve!!

So now, in my pain and tears, I choose to have God bring me down the journey of grief, because I do not want to do it on my own. May God receive ALL Glory.

Dearest Gracelyn

Dear Gracelyn,

I would never wanted to have to write this letter to you, but it looks like the day has come. You were truly the apple of your uncle’s eye. I know so many times that uncle Austin was hurting, and he looked at you and it help take the pain away. I remember when we would visit uncle Austin in rehab, he would count down the days until every Sunday because that meant he got to see you, hold you, and love on you. And he did, every Sunday. He would rip you out of our arms and carry you up and down the halls showing you off to everyone. He was SO proud to be your uncle.

When we let Uncle Austin live with us, I know you changed his world. I have never seen him happier than when he was playing with you.

My heart has such pain thinking about your future, and knowing that you will never remember your uncle Austin. I just want you to know how much you meant to him, and how completely in love he was with you.

He loved his Kramer. Because you have such crazy hair, he gave you the nickname “Kramer”. He loved calling you that, but more importantly he loved you. After a day working on the farm or at a meeting, he would come back to our house and just say how much he missed you that day. He would always come home and say that no matter how much time he was gone for that day, he couldn't help from missing you so much.

Uncle Austin had such a big heart. One that was filled with love not only for you, but for the people in his life. I am so truly sorry my sweet baby girl, that you will never remember your uncle, but I pray that when you grow up, you will read this letter and get just a small glimpse of how much he truly cared for you.

I love you sweet baby girl,

Your Mommy

God is working!!

I have never seen God more at work than I have the past few weeks. One of the things that I have prayed most for in my life has been for my older brother, A. I have blogged a few times about him and you can read those old entries from here: June 2010 and March 2011. I have received permission from A to post this entry.

My brother has struggled almost his whole life with depression, bipolar disorder and addictions. There has been numerous suicide attempts, many extended hospital stays, and rehab treatments. Nothing has ever worked, or really changed anything. I have always said that I believe God has saved my brother in the miraculous ways he has for a reason. My brother has always been an atheist and wanted NOTHING to do with even a conversation about God.

About a month ago my brother called and asked if he could come down for a visit. We were hesitant at first because we knew he was back into drugs. Tim & I prayed about him coming down and agreed that his life and his salvation was worth much more than anything he could steal or take from us. While down here, Austin expressed how badly he wanted to get clean and into a rehab. I have heard this many times but I still found him a treatment center here in town (2 hours from where he lives). He was able to get in a few days later.

While in rehab my brother seemed very open and excited about treatment. He even stated that he felt that there could even be a Higher Power. This is HUGE for my brother because he has ALWAYS been against the idea. After being in rehab for 3 weeks he got out and had nowhere to go.

The night before he was released, Aaron, Julie, Tim & I had a "family meeting" to discuss the different ministry opportunities we wanted to do over the next year. We had no idea Austin was going to be getting out the next morning, but we discussed when he got out if we would allow him to stay with us. We talked out the logistics, the boundaries we would put into place, and we prayed, hard.

The next morning Austin called and said he was out. I went and picked him up and told him as long as he followed our boundaries and rules he could stay with us until he got on his feet.

The first night was amazing. God showed up in an amazing way. We were able to just sit down with Austin and pour out our hearts to him about how much we love him and how much we love our God. He actually listened and participated in our conversation. At the end we asked to pray for him and he agreed. We began praying and unexpectedly Austin joined us in prayer. He even muttered the words I never thought I would ever hear from him, "I love you God." I was floored by my God's goodness and grace.

A has been with us for two weeks and everyday has been such a blessing to witness God working in his life in such amazing ways. He found a sponsor who is such a blessing. It has been so great to drop him off at a meeting every night and then to come home and be so happy to tell us all about what he has been learning and what God has been doing. Although A is still trying to figure out who God is, God is working. He is working and shaping and changing.

I am so amazed and blessed at how God has orchestrated all of this out in His timing for His Glory. There is SO much more to this story and how God has been working the past few weeks. I will post more and time goes on, but for now please continue to pray for A, his sponsor, and us.

Through His Power & For His Glory

We have finally moved in!

This past week was a very stressful and busy one but it is over, and we are moved into our new home for the next year. We are so excited for what God is going to do!

The move started off with its fair share of trails and speed bumps. We knew that spiritual warfare would occur when we decided to move in, but I guess I just was not prepare for the battle that would take place in my own heart.

Immediately after moving in, my convictions seem to go on the back burner while this new unquenchable desire for the new things I "needed" for our apartment was at the forefront. Besides all the stress and physical weariness of moving, my soul was very weary. I just felt like I needed A, B, and C and I could not live without them. I was battling with my fleshly desires which made me very frustrated since of course on my own, I fail.

In this frustration, I found myself being very annoyed, short, and frustrated with Tim, Aaron and Julie. My heart was truly in a battle I didn't want to seem to acknowledge it. I have never felt such a pull or disconnect before but my attitude suffered because of it. All the sudden things that would not usually bother me, I now couldn't sleep because I was so mad.

After a wonderful talk and prayer time with Tim on Saturday night and a wonderful talk and prayer time with Aaron & Julie yesterday we were able to set things right by the grace of God. I am so amazed by how much He is working, and I am SO glad that He has a handle of what He wants to do over this next year, because I know I sure can't do it on my own!

After prayer and talking during our "family meeting" last night, we (Tim, Aaron, Julie & I) were able to brainstorm different ministry opportunities we would like to pray about doing this next year. It was very exciting to see our list grow and grow and know that God is going to do big things!

As we pray and seek God for what He would have us do this next year I ask you all to please be praying for us. The enemy is working very hard to distract us and make us comfortable. Pray that we would not be comfortable, pray that we would stay focused on God and accomplish great things through His power and for His glory.

Melvin & Sharon

I had the honor and privilege on Monday to take a drive down to Kenney, IL to deliver items to a foster family that had lost everything in a fire. We started collecting items and donations at the end of April and the first weekend in May we were able to take a few items we collected and items from our apartment to sell at a garage sale in Rockford at my parents house.

God truly was working at this sale. I had a few people come up to me and just hand me money without even purchasing anything.

One lady I will never forget. She came up to me and said, "I know what it is like to loose everything in a fire. Just recently our house burnt down in a fire, and my 15 year old son was in it." She said she would chose to loose everything again everyday if she could just get her son back. She then handed me $5 and said, "I wish I could give more, but my husband and I just both lost our jobs." I was speechless.

God has been working through this process of raising funds for this family. I met a wonderful lady named Kathy who worked with me in gather items for this family. We drove down together on Monday to deliver these items and we had such a wonderful time serving together.

We arrive in Kenney with a van load of items and we pulled up to a very small camper in the middle of a grass lot. Melvin and Sharon were standing out front to greet us. We started unloading and we were able to speak with them and hear more about their story. It was such a blessing to hear about their lives and how much they love and care for children who don't have a place to call home. This older couple has truly lived their lives to provide some sort of security to kids whom otherwise would be on the streets. I was so encouraged by their positive attitudes and their love. Their living situation is anything from ideal but yet they had a permanent smile planted on their faces when they spoke about their two foster kids.

While speaking with Melvin & Sharon we learned that it's the little girl's birthday on Sunday. Kathy & I told them that we would like to get some birthday gifts for her to open on her birthday. I went out shopping with Gracelyn yesterday for a birthday gift for a soon to be 7 year old girl. I kept thinking about the story Melvin and Sharon told us about these kids and my heart just broke for her. I thought about how Melvin said that the kids have never had anything to call their own.

I began thinking about all the other kids that have similar painful stories. All the other kids who do not have a Melvin & Sharon. All the other kids that are still living in a painful world. We do not have enough Melvin & Sharon's in this world. I realize that God may not call every person to be a foster parent, but God does call us to care for the orphans. In what way can you make a difference in a child's life for the Glory of God?

health update

After my 7th knee surgery in February, my doctor in Chicago said that we would come up with a new plan once I healed and came back a few months later. My knee has not improved at all since the surgery so I was a bit nervous driving up to my appointment in Chicago today.

After waiting in the waiting room for 2 hours, I was finally able to go back and meet with Dr.Cole. He seriously is an amazing doctor, and has numerous awards and has been rated top orthopedic doctor. Although this journey with me knee has been very long and painful, I have always had great faith in my doctor. (even though in general I'm not the biggest fan of doctors)

He came in and examined me and asked me a few questions. I informed him that my left knee has still not improved at all, and my right knee continues to get worse. I told him about my recent back issues and how I think it relates a lot to me not being able to bend with my knees when I pick things (Gracelyn) up.

After a long discussion, he looked at me with sadness in his voice, and said, "Abby, I have had many difficult cases with patients but I am always been able to come up with a plan of action, and I am completely stuck here, I don't think that this is ever going to get better, and the only option I see is to refer you to a pain management doctor and just manage the pain with drugs."

I broke into tears. I have been told from many many many doctors that they cannot explain the pain I have in my body. For the most part, I have been able to still function through my body pain to live a normal life, except for my knees. I know my pain in my body was unexplainable but I had faith that my knees would be able to be fixed so that I could at least live somewhat of a normal life.

This really shattered my hope in a "normal" life. After I left Dr. Coles office I started headed 2 hours to Rockford. I began mourning "the life I wont ever be able to have" and I began to think about all the things I can't do and all the things I wont be able to do with Gracelyn as she grows up.

God was so ever near in comfort on my trip home. As I cried, I felt His presence there to comfort me. God has been revealing to me the more he wants to do in my life, and I just got smacked in the face on my drive home. God clearly has a plan for this. I may never get to live a "normal" life and "normal" activities, but God is my Lord, and he wants to do so much more in and through me and by the grace of God I am not going to take my eye off of the prize. I will not grow weary, because He will give me rest. Just because I didn't expect this to be the outcome, doesn't mean God is in any way shocked by it.

God can heal me, this I know, but I also know that He can use this situation for His glory. My prayer now is that whatever the situation with my health will be, His glory would be more revealed, my heart would continue to Praise Him and be fixed on the ultimate Prize, My Savior.

Are you willing? or are you ready?

I have been studying Mark 10:17-22 for thepast week and a half. I have been wrestling through this passage and convicting me on truly where my heart is. It has brought new light to my world, and how I view my possessions. Most of people have read the story of the rich young ruler, if you haven't or want a refresher you can read it here .

I have heard this passage preached on many times, but I have been listening to David Platt preach on it and it has been a bit different message. Many times when we read about the rich young ruler we try to water down what Jesus is saying here. This is the message I have usually heard when hearing a sermon on this passage. Would Jesus really call you to sell all your possessions and giv

e it to the poor? We tend to answer this question with, "well, what Jesus was saying here is just that we ought to be willing to sell our possessions and give to the poor." Is that really what Jesus was saying here? Or do we try to minimize this passage in order to fit with the comfort of the Christianity we've created?

What I have been wrestling with this past few weeks is God asking me, "are you willing to sell it all? or are you ready to?" It is so v

ery easy for me to answer the first question with a "yes God, I'm willing!" but the next question is where I stop. Am I ready? Am I ready to go to God with it ALL? Am I ready to lay it ALL on the table for Him to use for His glory? Am I ready to ask God what He would have me sacrifice? I get a knot in my stomach. It makes me uncomfortable to think about, and even more uncomfortable to do.

I do not think that Jesus calls every Christian to sell all that they have and give it to the poor, BUT I do think that He does call some of us. It has been so difficult for me to wrestle with; am I willing and am I ready? It is extremely easy for us to say that we are willing to do this, but then we hoard our possession

s, and hold onto them with a closed hand. I think that if I truly went to God with open hands, with all my stuff, all my money, all my time, and ask Him what He wanted to give up for His glory, my material possessions would look a lot different. My life would look a lot different. I think this sadly might be true for a lot of us Christians.

I have told God he could have it all many times, but slowly I remove the "all" off the table, until "all" that is left, is what I am comfortable giving up, my leftovers. If what you are giving doesn't cause an actual sacrifice, it

is not sacrifice, merely leftovers. I do believe that Jesus' command to the rich young ruler in Mark 10 is a command He gives to some Christians today.

I am so tied to my possessions and money, that I find it uneasy and scary to actually think of give up all my things. I find so much comfort and security in what I "have".

Jesus knows this. Jesus does not call me to give up my possessions so that I would miss out, or not have joy. He calls us to give up our possessions so that, we can experience more joy than any other thing could p

ossibly provide. Love of stuff will inevitably rob us of the joy that God created us to experience.

What is God calling you to get rid of in order to experience His joy? everything? the items you cling to most? We can only serve one master, God or money? (Matt 6:24) Where we spend our money is a strong indicator of where our hearts are. (Matt 6:21)

I have been challenged through this passage in a very scary way, to go to God, with open hands, with it all on the table, and ask Him, what do you want me to give up, for Your glory? Do you need to do the same?

Radical Experiment: Perspective

I have decided to take on the Radical Experiment from the book The Radical by David Platt. This experiment has 5 components and it lasts for 1 year.

One of the 5 components is to pray for the entire world in a year.

I begun this this week and it truly opened my eyes for how selfish I am. One of the biggest things God has taught we the past few days is perspective.

As I have begun this part of the Radical Experiment I have been slapped in the face. I guess I have just been so comfortable in my cozy American dream that I have blinded myself to what is truly going on in the world around me. God is beginning to break down my perspective and replace it with His. This is extremely scary for me because the pain and suffering I am just reading about is overwhelming me. What would our lives look like as Christian if we truly allow God to replace our perspective for a glimpse of His? I believe they would look A LOT different. At least mine would. We all have presuppositions in life. A presupposition is defined as an implicit assumption about the world or background belief. How we presume the world around us to be defines in part how we will react to it. I believe that as an American Christian I have found it very easy to put up blinders. Blinders to what is really going on in the world around us. Because if I really knew, if I truly understood what is happening in this world, I would not be able to continue to live in my comfy American Dream. So as I continue to pray for nations in our world, I am continuing to pray that God would remove my blinders, and replace my perspective for His. That He would give me His eyes to see, and the courage to do something about it.

The first 3 nations I have been praying for this week have such immense pain and suffering. Two of these nations have 95% or more people who are not Christian. All three nations have poverty that we as comfy Americans may not even begin to be able to understand. The average income per YEAR for these 3 nations is $453. That means that the average person living in one of these 3 nations has to live on $9.40 a week! As I look at this number, I can't even begin to imagine what that would look like. I spend $9.40 going out for lunch in a day. So not only are these 3 nations mostly non Christian and in severe poverty, but they all are a part of the devastating effects of war.

It is easy for us to read about these nations, and give a pity remark but then do nothing. We feel bad for them for about 2 minutes, then tend to go on with our day in our comfy homes, and comfy lives. I don't want to be comfortable any longer. I want to be so uncomfortable that I can do nothing else but seek comfort in my God.

Materialism Challenge Part 4

I decided to go through my clothes this week as a part of my Materialism Challenge. (you can read about the Challenge here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) I have always had a decent amount of clothes and enjoyed shopping but never truly realized the hold they had on me until this week. As I started going through my closet and drawers I found it harder and harder to add to the get rid of pile. Most of the clothes in my drawers are either maternity or pre-pregnancy and do not fit anymore. I had no problem bagging up all the maternity clothes to store at my parents house for any future pregnancies but getting rid of other clothes that do not fit me was a bit more difficult.

Now I believe God has been calling me to live a life of simplicity and away from materialism. I found this very hard to accept when it came to my clothes. I mean everyone needs clothes, right? But how much do I really need? Where is the line between necessity and luxury? The line may be different to each person, and each person needs to seek God for this answer. For me however, I struggled and am still struggling with where this line should be.

Our culture says so much about how we look, and how we should dress. We should be stylish and cute. I am NOT saying that being stylish and cute is a sin, I am just personally feeling convicted on how much value I have placed into looking stylish and cute. Where do I truly find my worth? Where do I find other peoples worth? In how they look? In how I look?

This is a battle that I feel I will never fully overcome. I must continue to seek God for my worth, instead of clothes, looks, or style. I think I will find this most difficult when I am surrounded by Christians who find nothing wrong with having nice clothes and accessories. I am not saying there is anything wrong with having these things, but for me, I struggle to much in where I find my worth, and therefore need to eliminate some of the materialism that is holding me back from knowing where my true worth should be found, in Christ.

I was bought for a price not so that I can continue on in an unchanged life. I was bought at a price because I am loved, for His Glory. Not so that I can look cute on Sundays or so that I can have the most stylish things, but so that I would know my worth in Him and bring praise and glory to Him.

I'm sure God will direct me to spend the money I would usually spend on clothing, on a much more Worthy cause.

I write this post not to say I have overcome this struggle in ANY WAY, this is a battle of the mind I fear I will have to be in forever. A battle of what the world says is worthy and what my God says is worthy. I write this for accountability and for you reading to know that your worth is so far greater than that which can be expressed through clothing, or style. Your worth comes from a God who loves you and wants you to seek His Glory.