A choice to make

It has been a very long week. Yesterday was the day of my brother Austin's funeral. In some ways I always kind of knew I would be there one day, but yet, I still seem to remain in such shock. It seriously blessed my heart so deeply to see the love and support of our friends and family, but it was very hard to see you all hurt as well.

Nothing about yesterday was easy, but yet God still showed up in amazing ways. I am so glad that God is using this blog to bring comfort and peace to some of you, but I want you all to know, this is the story God wrote, I am just relaying the message. I once again was taken aback by so many of you who were touched and encouraged by the story and life of Austin.

I have been struggling this week with keeping the reality of his death. I know he is gone. I know I will never see him again. I know he wont walk down my stairs holding Gracie. I know he wont sit in the stupid recliner in my living room playing video games. I know he wont call to ask me to pick him up from his sponsor's house. I know this, yet I am still struggling. As the shock slowly begins to fade, the realization of all of this is coming through. I find myself slipping out of reality. I can't seem to wrap my mind around Austin being dead. Most times I just feel like he is at rehab or back in Rockford.

My mind slowly begins to allow the reality to come back and this is when it hurts the most. Although I know he is gone, it isn't until I allow it into my reality that it truly hurts. And it isn't until I allow myself to experience this hurt that I can truly heal.

Who wants to feel pain though? It is so much easier to cope with pain by not thinking about it, covering it up with substances, or just allowing anger to build inside. I think a lot of times when tragedy strikes, I always tend to find it easier to deal with when I act like everything is okay.

I find it interesting to watch people during a tragedy and witness the different types of coping mechanisms. There is the person who is angry, the person who ignores it, the person who tries to make light of the situation by making jokes, the person who overreacts, and I am sure many more. We all deal with grief and pain differently. I know that without the Comfort of my God, I would tuck it all way down inside and try to ignore it, until it eats me alive.

I am amazed at how God has been carrying me through this past week. Now that we are back home, and things are about to get "back to normal", I think this is when it is going to be the toughest for me. Then funeral plans are over, the cards stop, the family is 2 hours away, Tim goes back to work, and it is just Gracie and I, alone. This is the point at which I can make a choice. A choice on how I am going to cope with the sadness, fear and pain. I can choose to tuck it away, I can choose to ignore it, or I can grab hold of this pain and hand it over to my God, and ask Him to carry me through, moment by moment.