Fears

I have not posted in a while, forgive me. I have been working through some things and school started back up, so it has been a bit busy.We just went on a week long family vacation with Tim's family. It was nice to be able to see them, we miss them so much!

I have really been struggling with fear lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unplanned, and fear of the uncontrollable. This came out a lot on vacation because I had never taken a baby on vacation before so there was a lot of unknowns that came along with it.

Tim's sweet amazing family has the wonderful quality that Tim has of being laid back. This is a wonderful thing to have, especially on a vacation. I however, struggled a lot with the unplanned and not knowing what to expect. I have always liked to "control" things but this has never been stronger as it has been lately. I think my desire to "control" things has grown lately due to all the things in my life that are "uncontrollable" such as Austin's death. Control is a funny thing. Do we ever really have control? The sense of security I feel from trying to control something is not founded on solid ground. There are so many things in life that I just frankly have no control over. Instead of allowing myself to get anxiety over it, I have instead decided, by the grace of God, to work on controlling one thing: my attitude.

One thing that I got to do on vacation that was very therapeutic for me was parasailing! I was about 300 feet above the island of Put-in-Bay. Of course I was scared, allowing a million thoughts of what could go wrong enter my mind. Finally I just relaxed, surrendered my fears and basked in God's Great Creation. I sang worship songs to ease my fears, and allow God to gain back control of my anxiety. Although this helped me while parasailing, God has continued to remind me when I have fears that He is God, He is Good, and He is faithful.

A step of faith for Tim & I has been deciding for me to go back to school. Tim is still in school full time, and working. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Gracelyn, for now. I decided to go back to Lincoln Christian and try to finish my associates before any other babies make their way into our lives. I should finish up next year. I am very excited to be able to do this, and learn deeper about God's word. Although going back to school has it's own fears of time and money, God is faithful and Good. It make get tough, but He will carry me through.