I am a very task-oriented person. This can be a good quality because I get things done, love to-do lists, and accomplish a lot in a short amount of time, but this also hinders me a great deal. At times I find my worth in accomplishing tasks. Now I have not really realized how deep this went until being "restricted" the last few weeks.
This may be the hormones talking, but I have been feeling low lately. Although the doctor says that I don't have to stay on bedrest but instead I just have to "take it easy", I find it very hard to do so. My body tells me to stay on the couch and relax, but my mind can't seem to handle this task. I try to do more, accomplish more, make more lists, anything to occupy my time. Well, I pay for it at nighttime. I hurt worse, my knee swells up, and I just plain feel awful. You'd think this would be enough to keep me in bed, but the problem lies in my feelings when I don't accomplish things during the day.
When I have gone through an entire day and don't have a list of things I've done, mentally, I feel worse than I would physically if I had accomplished things.
The last few weeks have honestly been downright depressing for me. I wish for the sake of sanity and my health, that I could be satisfied with my day in just "relaxing".
I know. I know. I know what you are thinking? "Enjoy this time Abby because soon it will be gone when the baby comes." I know. If I could just flip a switch to enjoy this downtime I would.
God gives us seasons in life. I know this is just a season of life that I am in, but if I can be honest with you, I feel like it will never end. I think the reason why I love to accomplish tasks, and be busy is because it distracts me. Distracts me from life's problems & pain. When I'm busy, it is easier not to think about the pain in my life & my family. When I am alone, on the couch "relaxing", the problems come to mind, the pain of life is there, and the anxiety of what is ahead is staring at me in the face.
I have no ending to this blog post. I have no story to which I was pulled out from underneath this dreary feeling. I just have the feelings, & a God who knows and understands them. A God who sits next to me as I type out my heart. A God who designed me to be a great task accomplisher.
This is just a season!
