Kadence's Birth Story: Part 2

Go ahead and Read Part 1 here

My sweet boy, God did not stop teaching me there. The best was yet to come! 

Saturday evening came, you daddy and I were still laboring alone. We went upstairs to try to relax and get some rest. Daddy fell asleep and I began to struggle through contractions, so I woke him up for help. We slow danced in our bedroom, and kissed, and hugged, and I felt your daddy's love for me and for you. I felt his love in his touch and his sweet words. As we were slow dancing through a particularly hard contraction, I heard a  POP, and my waters broke...all over the bedroom floor and your daddy's feet! Excitement overcame me as I was waiting for my waters to break, I knew it was a sure sign that you would be here soon, and that although it could still be hours, I knew you were coming! Daddy updated the midwife, J,  and Jessica and after a few hours of even more intense contractions I asked Jessica to come back in the early morning hours on Sunday. We continued to labor, contractions about 2-3 minutes apart lasting about 90 seconds. After a few hours, Jessica decided to head home for a bit to rest since she wasn't feeling well. In her place came my very good friend Jenny. Jenny was also an amazing doula for me, and helped your mommy focus on meeting you! Jenny was amazing at reminding your mommy to relax, and reminding me what this was all for, YOU! I would get to meet you soon, and that reminder gave me hope. 

We continued to labor through the evening into the morning hours. Jessica returned, and Jenny stayed to help as well. Your daddy and Uncle Aaron played and sang worship songs through the entire labor. This helped me so much to focus on my Jesus. I will never forget the room's darkness, the candles flickering, and everyone belting out praises to our God. Such an amazing memory that I will forever cherish. I hope you know one day my sweet boy how much love and prayer you were born into. 

By Sunday afternoon I felt done. I was beyond exhausted and I felt like I couldn't go on. I felt like a failure. I was ready to go to the hospital because I didn't have the strength to go on. I share with your daddy and Jessica my feelings and I bawled at the thought of going to the hospital. I didn't want to give up. Medically, you and I were both fine and I felt like I would be letting you down to give up. I bawled. My heart broke. I wanted this so badly. The feelings of failure and brokenness that were all to familiar with your sister's birth came upon me.Through the tears the shared with Jessica my broken heart, how much I wanted this birth at home, how much I wanted this birth to heal my experience with your sister. My God knew how badly I wanted this, how much I had planned and prepared for it, so why was He making it so hard?  Jessica held me as I cried and questioned my God. She looked at me in the eyes and said, "this birth isn't what is going to heal you, God is who heals you." God spoke so much through Jessica, in ways I had never experienced before. We all cried as I for the first time came to grips with going to the hospital. Once I surrendered that, once I gave up my pride and holding onto this birth experience to heal me, God truly began healing me. 

I asked daddy to call the midwife as I wanted to be checked again before I made my decision to head to the hospital. When J arrived, she talked to me about what I wanted. She asked me a year from now, would I regret going to the hospital. I knew I would, I knew I would always regret it but I felt like I could not go on. I felt like I did not have a choice. I was so tired. J checked me again and said I was at a 5, stretchy to a 7. To me, this wasn't amazing news because it wasn't a 10, but to everyone else they were so encouraged and happy. I had surpassed what I was with your sister's birth and things were moving along. Everyone was filled with joy and excitement. I remember laboring with daddy in the bathroom and asking him what he thought I should do. He looked at me and said, "I know you are tired, but I believe you can do this." He was right. Although I couldn't commit to staying home, I did decided that I would stay home as long as I could. I ate a meal, went for another walk, and was ready to continue at home. 

As contractions continued and were stronger than ever, the only thing that got me through each one was everyone's support around me and smelling lavender oil. I don't even like the smell of lavender but something about it helped me to focus on it during contractions. As soon as a contraction would come, everyone would rush over, take positions either with counter pressure or holding lavender oil under my nose. I felt so loved and so supported. 

By 9pm Sunday evening, after being in labor since Wednesday, I was FINALLY reedy to push. I pushed in the tub, in the bathroom, on the toilet, on the stairs, on a chair, on the couch, on the floor. I pushed everywhere and this is where God met me again. I had surrendered what I thought was everything, until now. I truly had nothing left of me. I was beyond exhausted and had zero strength left. All I could do is pray, pray that God would give me the strength, pray that He would meet me. I have never felt so broken and empty. THIS is where God wanted me, THIS is where His glory could truly shine. THIS is where He could teach me and mold me. THIS is where every ounce of me needed to be surrendered to Him. 

As I pushed everyone surrounded me. I was so supported by your daddy, J,J's assistant, Jessica, Jenny and Julie. Everyone was cheering me on, encouraging me, through their own exhaustion they continued to cheer and give me hope. I remember leaning over the couch holding onto Jenny's arms. I remember her looking into my ears, not showing any fear, or tiredness. She kept saying, "you will meet your baby soon, Abby." 

Finally, after surrendering the last drop I had left, at 3:17am Monday morning, 6 hours into pushing, I gave one last push that brought you flying into my arms on my living room floor. "MY BABY" I cried. I held you and looked into your eyes. You just stared at me for a second, not crying. You knew who I was, you knew you were safe. Love poured over me, and as exhausted as I was I was so so in love with you. I felt like the world stopped. Everyone was cheering and crying and excited but I did not hear or see any of it. It was just you and I, in our own little world. Oh my baby, I will never forget holding you up to my breast, looking into your eyes as you met the world. 

After about 10 minutes in my arms I decided to check out what I thought would be your lady parts, but much to my surprise and shock, after 2 ultrasounds that said you were a girl, you had a penis! The entire room exploded in laughter and disbelief. Who we thought was our sweet Avalyn turned out to be you, our little man. We waited for the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it, and I delivered the placenta. Everyone got busy cleaning the house, doing laundry and putting everything back together. We snuggled on the couch and nursed. After a few hours the doulas and midwife left and everyone else went to bed. I held you in my arms, and after not sleeping for 5 days I still couldn't manage to take my eyes off of you. My sweet baby boy. We nursed and snuggled and nursed and once you finally fell asleep I just laid on the couch staring at you for hours. It was finally over, I had you in my arms. I knew my God more intimately, He delivered me, He gave me strength, He healed me. 

Some may think that birth doesn't matter, all that matters is a healthy baby. I disagree, birth matters, birth shaped me as a mother. Birth taught me things about my body, my baby and my God. Birth brought me to a place of utter brokenness and God met me there in a way I have never allowed Him to before. I was not less of a mother with Gracelyn because she was born by surgery, but I do believe this is how birth should be. Pain should be experienced in order to fully grasp God's strength and God's healing power. When God cursed woman in Genesis with having to go through childbirth, labor, I do not believe He did so to torture us, just as God uses pain and suffering in life to mold us and teach us, I believe He wants to use birth to mold and teach us as mothers. 

Was it worth it? Was 108 hours of labor and 6 hours of pushing worth it? YES. I do not regret having my baby at home, I do not wish I had an epidural or pain medications. Although it was hard, I am so very thankful for the experience and what God taught me through it!