Diary of a Dying Man

One week before Austin's death he wrote a journal entry. Austin hadn't journaled much, in fact this was his first and only entry in this journal. On this night, Tim & Aaron were talking with Austin outside and Austin began to tell them how unworthy he felt to even talk to God. Tim told Austin he should try to journal out his prayers. So later that night, Austin did just that.

Now, before I begin, I want to make extremely clear that I in no way want to ignore or overlook Austin's privacy in sharing his journal entry, however, after many conversations with Austin about what he wanted his life to mean, I know he would want me to share this to uplift, encourage, and comfort some of you. Austin told me many times that I could blog about his life because he truly wanted to help people. He wanted his story to make a impact on someones life. Little did he know how great of an impact he life is making now.

Here is his journal entry, I will post what it says underneath so you can read it better.

June 23, 2011

"God,

I know we haven't done this like this before so to begin, I ask that you can please help me to open myself up to you. I feel lost and forgotten, not just to you but to everyone. I feel like a big let down to everyone; like my life is just here to bother and test others. I need you now, I need your love and strength. I need to feel you and I wish to know you. I know that I have not allowed this before, but if you are the God I hear about, that you will be here for me now that I am willing and open to feel your love, your touch, your strength, your wisdom. If you could just reveal yourself to me, I believe I can be the person you made me to be. I feel like you don't think I am ready to know you. I fear that you don't think it is time for me to be done with this pain...like you need me to experience more hardships, but I don't have the strength to go back out alone. I will die if I don't find you now. It is not that I fear death, because I don't. To me it sounds like a release, but I fear that I will stay here and just hurt more people. I have too much guilt for the pain I have caused and I cannot hurt people anymore. In order to survive, the guilt will kill me. I need you God; I need you to help me to be the good person that I know I can be. I need to help others in order to fill this hole I have and to quench the guilt. Please forgive me and show me your light. Also, and most importantly help me to not give up while I am trying to find you. I need only enough to keep on going. If I don't find you now, I fear it will never happen. Thou will be done, not my own. Please help me to understand what your will is, so that I may fulfill it. I love you, at least the idea of you. If you are not there to help me, please show me my path or at least where to turn in order to stay on the path to you."

Austin Roberts

I would also like to add to the story of what we know about Austin's death. After an investigation from detectives, they believe what happened that night was that Austin went to Springfield to get drugs. There showed no signs of a planned suicide. Although the coroner has not ruled Austin's death yet, the detectives believe that it was an accidental overdose. Although no one will truly know what fully happened that night and where Austin's heart was at, I am blessed to get a glimpse into a conversation he had with God just a week before his death. I pray that you would be encouraged to pour your heart out to God as well. Sometimes our prayers are not perfect, or pretty, because sometimes our lives are not perfect and pretty. Don't be afraid to pour out to God how you truly feel. He knows it anyway!