Battle of the mind

I am not the most patient person. I like to have a plan, and know what is going to happen. A lot of this has to do with control I think. Somehow, I find myself thinking I have control over this whole life thing. It's times like now, that I realize (yet again) that I have no control. In all honesty, it is a true struggle for me.

I am sick of waiting, sick of hurting, and sick of wondering. Can she just be here already? I want so badly to meet my little girl, and I want her to be healthy. This may be my one and only pregnancy but yet I still find myself wanting nothing more than it to be over with. I feel guilty that I am not always appreciating the amazing gift of life that grows inside me, but some days, most day lately, I just want it to be done. I want to stop hurting and start getting my health back under control. I want to meet my baby. I want to see Tim as a daddy. I want to put on her first outfit. I want to be a mom.

So much change is going to occur when the day comes. Although it scares me deeply of this change, I feel like I am waiting for a life changing moment. A moment that seems a mystery as to when it will actually come. Will our life completely change today, or in 2 weeks? Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but when the pain has left me doing nothing but waiting for her, it feels like 2 years.

I was driving yesterday in the rain talking to my God. We were talking about my fears as a new mom, my fears for this natural labor, and my fears living in the unknown. I was comforted by Him. He doesn't want to throw me into motherhood scared and fearful, it is almost like these last few hours, days or weeks are a gift. (this was such a hard concept for me to allow into my heart, and still is) A gift of preparation. A gift to fall so deeply into his arms that when the fears of labor comes, I am so fully focused on Him that we can do it, together. When the fears of motherhood comes at 3 a.m., I shall not fear, because I am resting in His arms.

This is a time of preparation. I thought I was FULLY prepared to meet this sweet girl, and physically I am. I have all we need waiting and ready to go! Am I spiritually prepare? Am I resting in His arms, and focusing on Him?

I think He still has some preparing left to do with me. So for the next hour, day, or week, I will by the power of the Spirit, focus on the preparation God is working on, and remember that He already knows the PERFECT day for Gracelyn to come.

Please pray with me that I can continue to have this mindset throughout the rest of this pregnancy? It is a battle with the mind that I am truly struggling with.

Last trip to Rockford before baby

We had a wonderful weekend in Rockford this past weekend. We had our last baby shower and was blessed by the Schweitzer family and friends! It is always great to go home and see family. It was weird thinking that it was our last trip to Rockford without Gracelyn!

The Grandmas-to-be

Aaron and Julie came up to spend the weekend with us and take some maternity pictures for us. We had been looking forward to this photoshoot for some time because we had planned it in Rockford for a reason. When Tim & I first started dating 7 years ago we would go to this conservation park called LIB. We would go before school started in the morning and walk the trails talking about life and our amazing God. We have so many memories at this park and it was the place that meant the most to us in our dating relationship. We have not been back to this park since we got married but Aaron had the great idea to have our maternity pictures taken here! He knew how much we talked about this park and how significant it was to our relationship!

On Saturday morning was the baby shower and then the plan was to have our photoshoot afterwards. The baby shower went amazing and we headed back to my parents. I started getting really bad contractions along with a crohns flare that made me feel horrible. I laid on the couch for a few hours in bad pain and tears. I was getting SO upset because I kept thinking that this shoot wouldn't be able to happen. I know it sounds dumb, but this was the last time we would be there to get them done at this special spot. I started to feel a little bit better and the contractions slowed down so we left for LIB. I was so happy that I was feeling okay enough to smile for some pictures.

We pulled up to LIB. Staring at us was a huge sign that read "CLOSED HUNTING IN PROGRESS" I was immediately pissed. I wanted SO badly to have our pictures done here so we just parked on the street and decided we would just take a few at the opening of the conservation park. We were unable to go back on the trails which was disappointing. I was not in the best mood and the lighting wasn't great but after a pep talk from Tim, and the patience of Julie & Aaron through my hormonal self...we were able to get some great shots! We have a ton, and I have only edited a couple but here are a few so far that I like.

I am so grateful to have friends like Aaron & Julie who would take the time to drive up to take this pictures for us. It means a lot to have pictures of the 3 of us (me, Tim & Gracie) at the place that was so special to our relationship!