I just KNEW it

I wrote the following letter 3 weeks ago when I began to feel my body telling me something. Although it was too early to know, and it seemed too early to tell anyone because we just lost Elijah, I just had to get it out to someone. So I journaled it. I knew a life was growing again, and that we had conceived right after the miscarriage. Here is the letter that I wrote in my journal before it was confirmed that I am pregnant again.

"1/3/12

Dear Baby #3,

I know you are growing inside me. Although I can't confirm a pregnancy for a few more days, I know you are there. I have already started thinking about you and praying for you. Did you meet your brother Elijah on his way out? I hope you got to meet him. I do miss him. I am so very thankful and excited to meet you. I am in awe of my Heavenly Father for giving me another pregnancy. I can't wait for the morning where I get to confirm to your daddy that you are in my belly. I love you already!

Love,

Mommy"

When I miscarried with Elijah, my midwife told me it might be best to wait 3 months until trying to get pregnant again. After some prayer, we didn't think it was up to us to decide. We knew that if God wanted us to get pregnant right away, He would. I knew my body was in much better shape than it was when I got pregnant with Gracelyn, even after a miscarriage! We decided to completely leave it in God's hands. Having no knowledge of when we would ovulate, we carried on as normal, praying and trusting in God's perfect timing.

1/8/12

Confirmed pregnancy test. I of course was fearful but excited. I KNEW it for a while, and I was so excited. I immediately called my doctor to have my progesterone and HcG levels checked. Doctor called a few days later and said that everything looks wonderful! I know there is still chance for miscarriage, but just as I did with my pregnancy with Gracelyn, I had to surrender this baby to my God.

I have struggled the past few weeks with trust and fear. I know that my God already knows whether or not I will get to meet this baby in September. I know that my God already knows who this baby is, and what he/she will be like. I have to surrender this baby regardless of whether or not I will be able to mother it.

I have not felt it was the right time to make this news public, I felt God was wanting to teach me more before I did. My heart was still in a place of fear. I am writing this now, instead of waiting until my ultrasound next week because this baby is still my baby. Even if I do miscarry again, this baby is mine. I want it, I love it, and it will always be apart of our life, just as Elijah is. I won't act as if this baby doesn't exist, I will forever be it's mommy and forever love it.

We praise God for who He is, for how He is teaching, and for this new life. We pray we will get to meet our baby in September, but hold on to knowing that Our God is Lord.