2 Timothy 1:7

Fear.

Fear can be gripping, suffocating, and overwhelming. I remember first finding out I was pregnant with Gracelyn and all I felt was fear. I was scared that she wasn't planned by us, I was scared that I wasn't to most healthy person, I was scared I would miscarry. I was scared every doctor appointment. Even though I began to learn about natural birth, I was scared. Fear can over take your mind if you allow it.

God has been reassuring me to release my fears to Him. There are things in my life that I seem to fear, and it consumes me sometimes. Sometimes I hold so tightly on to thoughts, ideas, and tend to fear the worst.

God knows my heart. God knows my fears. I will choose to surrender my fears to Him, because He alone can bring me peace. He alone can calm my fears. He alone is all I need.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.

Reading List for 2012

I have a serious obsession to books now. In order to somewhat organize my life and all the books I want to reread and read this year, I have decided to start a list. Most of them are going to be for pregnancy and birth, and parenting. I will continue to add to this list, instead of feeling overwhelmed when I come across another book I want to read. Feel free to post some suggestions in the comments. I mean, if I am making a list, lets go for it and make a long one! Many of those on my list I have read, but its about time I do some rereading as well. I have a lot of these books, if anyone wants to borrow :)

*Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

*Spiritual Midwifery

*Birthing from Within

*The Vaccine Book Dr. Sears

*The Baby Book Dr. Sears

*The Attachment Parenting Book Dr Sears

*Thinking Women's Guide to a Better Birth

*The Pregnancy Book Dr. Sears

*The Birth Book Dr. Sears

*Pushed by Jennifer Block

*Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Seigel

*Read Food for Mother and Baby by Nina Planck

*The Doula Book by Marshall Klaus

*No Cry Sleep Solution Dr. Sears

*Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering: A Doctor's Guide to Natural Childbirth and Gentle Early Parenting Choices

and the list shall continue!

I am hoping to get one book read every 2 weeks!

Goals for 2012

Even though it is pasted New Years and almost February, I decided to put my goal list on here. I had made this list a few weeks ago but thought it would be nice to have it on here for accountability and a reminder.

*Know God in a new way, deepening my passion

*Continue going to the chiropractor and taking supplements

*Continue eating real, whole foods that nourish my body.

*Continue to exercise, developing and deepening my workouts

*Go to Farmers Markets this summer, and find good options for healthy whole foods

*Make a new recipe 2x per month that is healthy and nutritious.

*Start gently teaching Gracelyn what a potty is, and how to use it. (We plan to do lots of nakie time in the summer and allow her to go on the potty if she wants to)

*Gently wean Gracelyn off the bottle (she actually did this on her own last week during the day, we are only on one bottle at night now)

*Go on a weekend alone with my husband by the end of the summer

*Have a date night at least once a month

*Finish doula certification (done with all the work, just waiting on one last birth in a few weeks)

*Continue researching and learning about pregnancy and childbirth to grow as a doula

*Find a new place to live in by May that is spacious and affordable.

*Make new friends, and deepen my current friendships with time spent together and prayer them

*Create a prayer chart for praying for different people in our life with Gracelyn

*Read a book with Gracelyn every single day, at least one

*Continue to seek God for my parenting choices, and become a better mom daily

*Blog more about my life, what God is doing and teaching me, and stop being afraid of being judged for doing things differently.

I am sure I will be adding to this list as life changes. I will update you all on progress this summer.

Stay tuned, and get ready for some more blogging! (I hope)

I wish we could have met

Dearest Sweet Baby,

I was hoping I would write this letter months from now after we worked together to deliver you safely into my arms. Sadly, it must come now. I want you baby. I want to hold you, look into your sweet eye, kiss you. I want to nurse you, and introduce you to your big sister. I want you. But I know this can’t be. I know it is time for you to go. I know that I will never meet you alive. I want you and I have dreamed of your birth for a long time. Every contraction I feel I know you are closer and closer to being drawn home. Although I did not want to loose you, we are still going to work together so that you can go Home. Every pain I feel, I know you will soon be in the arms of My Father. He wants you, and will care for you. Although you will not be joining our family here, you are still apart of our family. We will never forget you. You will not be brushed under the rug, you will be acknowledged, loved, cherished and missed.

It is 3:00 a.m. on December 13, 2011 and I feel you beginning to leave me. Although this wont be a pleasant birth and it wont end with you alive, we will still work together. I will still allow you to leave me on your own timing and I will work through the pain as I would have months from now. Although this birth will not end with my holding you in my arms, it will end. I want to continue to feel this pain because I know when it stops, you are gone. My sweet innocent baby, I am so sorry that I could not bring you into this world. I love you so much dear baby and I long for the day that I can finally meet you.

Forever your mommy, forever in my heart.

To the baby we never got to meet, mommy and daddy love you!

Birth Doula

I have decided to go for a dream that I've had for a while. While I was pregnant with Gracelyn I had developed this passion for learning about pregnancy and birth. Although my birth with Gracelyn did not play out exactly as I had expected or hoped, I learned SO much from it. I don't think my passion would have developed as deep as it has if it weren't for my birth experience with Gracelyn.

I have decided to start my training to become a birth doula!

A doula is a support person for women during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Doula's help to inform women on their choices, support them through labor, help them plan their desires for their birth and accompany them during labor. A doula is not a medical professional, and cannot offer medical decisions, but rather helps to give the pros and cons to various decisions that need to be made, and help the pregnant mom to be informed to make a decision. Doula do not replace the husband, rather they can help assist the husband to know what to do during labor and what to be prepared for throughout the pregnancy.

I begin this week with my training and I am so excited for what is to come in learning. I should finish up in a few months with the training. I also have to assist 2 women through their pregnancy/birth as apart of my training. I am excited to see how God is going to use this passion and training in my future. Please pray with me as I begin my training. I am so passionate to help women understand the potential their bodies have, and how God created us.

"I think one of the best things we could do would be to help women/parents/families discover their own birth power, from within themselves. And to let them know it's always been there, they just needed to tap into it."

John H. Kennell, MD

Fears

I have not posted in a while, forgive me. I have been working through some things and school started back up, so it has been a bit busy.We just went on a week long family vacation with Tim's family. It was nice to be able to see them, we miss them so much!

I have really been struggling with fear lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unplanned, and fear of the uncontrollable. This came out a lot on vacation because I had never taken a baby on vacation before so there was a lot of unknowns that came along with it.

Tim's sweet amazing family has the wonderful quality that Tim has of being laid back. This is a wonderful thing to have, especially on a vacation. I however, struggled a lot with the unplanned and not knowing what to expect. I have always liked to "control" things but this has never been stronger as it has been lately. I think my desire to "control" things has grown lately due to all the things in my life that are "uncontrollable" such as Austin's death. Control is a funny thing. Do we ever really have control? The sense of security I feel from trying to control something is not founded on solid ground. There are so many things in life that I just frankly have no control over. Instead of allowing myself to get anxiety over it, I have instead decided, by the grace of God, to work on controlling one thing: my attitude.

One thing that I got to do on vacation that was very therapeutic for me was parasailing! I was about 300 feet above the island of Put-in-Bay. Of course I was scared, allowing a million thoughts of what could go wrong enter my mind. Finally I just relaxed, surrendered my fears and basked in God's Great Creation. I sang worship songs to ease my fears, and allow God to gain back control of my anxiety. Although this helped me while parasailing, God has continued to remind me when I have fears that He is God, He is Good, and He is faithful.

A step of faith for Tim & I has been deciding for me to go back to school. Tim is still in school full time, and working. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Gracelyn, for now. I decided to go back to Lincoln Christian and try to finish my associates before any other babies make their way into our lives. I should finish up next year. I am very excited to be able to do this, and learn deeper about God's word. Although going back to school has it's own fears of time and money, God is faithful and Good. It make get tough, but He will carry me through.

Sovereignty of God

Sometime I think that we tend to believe that we are the main characters in the story of our life, that God is just an added “extra” in our story, granted He may be an important “extra” but nonetheless there can only be one “main character” in the story of our life, and sadly, most of the time that is me. I think a lot of times we say the we surrendered our life to God, but it is hard to really see your life as completely surrendered. Do you really surrender your role as the main character? It is very hard sometimes to see my life as just an extra in God’s story. As an amazing blessing as this is, it is still hard for my prideful, American, ‘it’s all about me” lifestyle to grasp. When painful things happen in our life, it is very easy to ask, “how a loving God could allow this to happen?” The question takes on a completely different outlook when you approach it with the mindset that we are an extra in God’s story. Ultimately, whatever happens, as painful as it may be, God can turn it back to His Glory. Now, this may sound all fluffy and nice, but this doesn’t mean we wont experience pain, hurt, and disappointment, but we don't have to experience it alone.

I can only begin to imagine the vast difference of emotion that God is feeling when He looks upon different painful situations in my life. The emotions I feel after Austin’s death are so very contrasting and almost contradicting.

I am happy that Austin is no longer hurting and that God created an amazing story out of Austin’s life and death; but I am sad, very sad, that I don’t get to see his face every morning, that I don’t get to smile everyday as I watch him play with Gracelyn, and that I don’t get to stay up late talking and sharing with my brother.

I am at peace as I see God’s hand in Austin’s story, and that God was able to teach me so much during this time, and I am peaceful with understanding more about the sovereignty of God; but I am fearful, fearful of the unknown, I am fearful of what could happen in my life that would cause more pain.

I am so unbelievable excited when I think back and share about all the events in Austin’s life and what God taught us all during the month of June, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to use Austin’s story to heal, help, and bring hope to others; but I am also depressed, depressed that he is gone, depressed that Gracelyn will never know her uncle, and depressed that Austin never got to experience the joy of Christ while living on this earth.

I do not think that God caused the death of Austin, but I do believe that He used and is using the hurt, pain, and fear Austin felt, and the hurt, pain and fear I feel now for His Glory and His Goodness.

I have been reading over the story of Joseph in Genesis the past few weeks. This story is such a perfect example of the sovereignty of God amongst human choices. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and after 20 something years, he is reunited with his brothers when they come to the town to get food for the famine. The enter into Egypt to buy grain from the governor of the land, whom happened to be the brother they sold into slavery years ago. God was with Joseph, even with the evil actions of his brothers, God was with Joseph, and brought him out of slavery, out of prison, and into the palace to become the governor of the land. When Joseph confronts his brothers he says to them, You sold me, you did this to me, but God, God sent me!

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today.” Genesis 50:20

David Platt shared a very good explanation on how these two opposites, can coincide with one another:

“God did it all. Now how does this work? How can the brothers sell him and God send him? This is where we see, in the Old Testament and all throughout Scripture, two unexplainable friends. First, divine sovereignty, “God sent me. God did this. God sent me to be a slave, to be a prisoner. God did all of this.” So, God is in control of this whole picture, sovereign over the whole picture. But that does not mean that the brothers had nothing to do with it. Second, divine sovereignty and human responsibility, “You sold me into slavery. You decided to do that. You made a choice.” And so the picture here is divine sovereignty and human responsibility, both side by side. Now how do you reconcile those two together? Unexplainable, but undeniable. It’s all throughout Scripture. It’s the mystery of divine sovereignty and human responsibility, and we must be careful. The conclusion here that we’ve got to come to, based on this picture in Scripture, the responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We’ve got to be careful when we think about the sovereignty of God not to begin to think that we’re just puppets in a play, robotically doing whatever is mandated that we do. We have responsibility. We have choices that we are held responsible for. This is evident. The responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We are all responsible for the actions, decisions, choices we make. Responsibility of man cannot be ignored. At the same time, the will of God cannot be thwarted. God will carry out what He intends, guaranteed. Even in the worst of circumstances – slavery and an imprisoned dungeon – Joseph says, “God sent me here.” Divine sovereignty, human responsibility; the will of God cannot be thwarted. God intends things.”

So as I continue to feel the vast array of different emotions I hold onto the truth that God is sovereign; even in the pain, hurt, and fear. He is Lord.