I just KNEW it

I wrote the following letter 3 weeks ago when I began to feel my body telling me something. Although it was too early to know, and it seemed too early to tell anyone because we just lost Elijah, I just had to get it out to someone. So I journaled it. I knew a life was growing again, and that we had conceived right after the miscarriage. Here is the letter that I wrote in my journal before it was confirmed that I am pregnant again.

"1/3/12

Dear Baby #3,

I know you are growing inside me. Although I can't confirm a pregnancy for a few more days, I know you are there. I have already started thinking about you and praying for you. Did you meet your brother Elijah on his way out? I hope you got to meet him. I do miss him. I am so very thankful and excited to meet you. I am in awe of my Heavenly Father for giving me another pregnancy. I can't wait for the morning where I get to confirm to your daddy that you are in my belly. I love you already!

Love,

Mommy"

When I miscarried with Elijah, my midwife told me it might be best to wait 3 months until trying to get pregnant again. After some prayer, we didn't think it was up to us to decide. We knew that if God wanted us to get pregnant right away, He would. I knew my body was in much better shape than it was when I got pregnant with Gracelyn, even after a miscarriage! We decided to completely leave it in God's hands. Having no knowledge of when we would ovulate, we carried on as normal, praying and trusting in God's perfect timing.

1/8/12

Confirmed pregnancy test. I of course was fearful but excited. I KNEW it for a while, and I was so excited. I immediately called my doctor to have my progesterone and HcG levels checked. Doctor called a few days later and said that everything looks wonderful! I know there is still chance for miscarriage, but just as I did with my pregnancy with Gracelyn, I had to surrender this baby to my God.

I have struggled the past few weeks with trust and fear. I know that my God already knows whether or not I will get to meet this baby in September. I know that my God already knows who this baby is, and what he/she will be like. I have to surrender this baby regardless of whether or not I will be able to mother it.

I have not felt it was the right time to make this news public, I felt God was wanting to teach me more before I did. My heart was still in a place of fear. I am writing this now, instead of waiting until my ultrasound next week because this baby is still my baby. Even if I do miscarry again, this baby is mine. I want it, I love it, and it will always be apart of our life, just as Elijah is. I won't act as if this baby doesn't exist, I will forever be it's mommy and forever love it.

We praise God for who He is, for how He is teaching, and for this new life. We pray we will get to meet our baby in September, but hold on to knowing that Our God is Lord.

Elijah

One of the first things I thought when I found out I was pregnant was thatAustin would never get to meet him. I found so much joy when I saw how Austin was with Gracelyn. He loved her so very much and it was sad to think that Austin would not be here to meet my next baby.

A loss of a pregnancy should not be something that is ignored. As a Christian, I believe life begins as conception, therefore I believe it was a life that we lost. I am sad when I think that I will never meet this baby on earth, but I am overjoyed when I think about getting to eventually meet him.

The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew it was a boy. I just felt an overwhelming truth in that. When we began to miscarry, I knew I was saying goodbye to my first son. Tim and I wanted to name this baby because we wanted to show significance in his presence, instead of acting as if he did not matter, or exist. We decided on the name Elijah. Elijah is a hebrew name meaning "my God is the Lord". No matter how painful it was to loose Elijah, I still know my God is Lord, my God is good, and my God is loving.

During my miscarriage, my best friend sent me a text message to encourage me. Although it made me cry even more, they were happy tears. She said, "Not only is our heavenly Father getting to meet your baby right now, but Lord willing so is Austin. Remember when you were telling us how much you wanted Austin to meet your baby, and now he is getting to before all of us."

Praise God. My God is Lord. My God is good. My God is loving.

I love you Elijah.

2 Timothy 1:7

Fear.

Fear can be gripping, suffocating, and overwhelming. I remember first finding out I was pregnant with Gracelyn and all I felt was fear. I was scared that she wasn't planned by us, I was scared that I wasn't to most healthy person, I was scared I would miscarry. I was scared every doctor appointment. Even though I began to learn about natural birth, I was scared. Fear can over take your mind if you allow it.

God has been reassuring me to release my fears to Him. There are things in my life that I seem to fear, and it consumes me sometimes. Sometimes I hold so tightly on to thoughts, ideas, and tend to fear the worst.

God knows my heart. God knows my fears. I will choose to surrender my fears to Him, because He alone can bring me peace. He alone can calm my fears. He alone is all I need.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.

Reading List for 2012

I have a serious obsession to books now. In order to somewhat organize my life and all the books I want to reread and read this year, I have decided to start a list. Most of them are going to be for pregnancy and birth, and parenting. I will continue to add to this list, instead of feeling overwhelmed when I come across another book I want to read. Feel free to post some suggestions in the comments. I mean, if I am making a list, lets go for it and make a long one! Many of those on my list I have read, but its about time I do some rereading as well. I have a lot of these books, if anyone wants to borrow :)

*Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

*Spiritual Midwifery

*Birthing from Within

*The Vaccine Book Dr. Sears

*The Baby Book Dr. Sears

*The Attachment Parenting Book Dr Sears

*Thinking Women's Guide to a Better Birth

*The Pregnancy Book Dr. Sears

*The Birth Book Dr. Sears

*Pushed by Jennifer Block

*Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Seigel

*Read Food for Mother and Baby by Nina Planck

*The Doula Book by Marshall Klaus

*No Cry Sleep Solution Dr. Sears

*Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering: A Doctor's Guide to Natural Childbirth and Gentle Early Parenting Choices

and the list shall continue!

I am hoping to get one book read every 2 weeks!

Goals for 2012

Even though it is pasted New Years and almost February, I decided to put my goal list on here. I had made this list a few weeks ago but thought it would be nice to have it on here for accountability and a reminder.

*Know God in a new way, deepening my passion

*Continue going to the chiropractor and taking supplements

*Continue eating real, whole foods that nourish my body.

*Continue to exercise, developing and deepening my workouts

*Go to Farmers Markets this summer, and find good options for healthy whole foods

*Make a new recipe 2x per month that is healthy and nutritious.

*Start gently teaching Gracelyn what a potty is, and how to use it. (We plan to do lots of nakie time in the summer and allow her to go on the potty if she wants to)

*Gently wean Gracelyn off the bottle (she actually did this on her own last week during the day, we are only on one bottle at night now)

*Go on a weekend alone with my husband by the end of the summer

*Have a date night at least once a month

*Finish doula certification (done with all the work, just waiting on one last birth in a few weeks)

*Continue researching and learning about pregnancy and childbirth to grow as a doula

*Find a new place to live in by May that is spacious and affordable.

*Make new friends, and deepen my current friendships with time spent together and prayer them

*Create a prayer chart for praying for different people in our life with Gracelyn

*Read a book with Gracelyn every single day, at least one

*Continue to seek God for my parenting choices, and become a better mom daily

*Blog more about my life, what God is doing and teaching me, and stop being afraid of being judged for doing things differently.

I am sure I will be adding to this list as life changes. I will update you all on progress this summer.

Stay tuned, and get ready for some more blogging! (I hope)