Our Culture and Birth

 I believe our culture and society does a huge disservice to pregnant women. I know most people have good intentions and mean well but some of the things people say to pregnant woman and treat pregnant woman saddens me. Pregnancy is NOT a disability. Pregnancy is NOT a disease. Pregnancy is NOT something to be feared. The miracle of pregnancy I believe has become so medicalized and feared in our society. Birth is so much more than just having a baby. Birth empowers and strengthens mothers. I understand there are things that can go wrong during pregnancy and birth, but without outside interventions, that is NOT the norm. It should not be expected for something to go wrong when you do not allow interventions. I think so often we are just waiting, expecting something to go wrong that emergencies are brought up from fear rather than evidence based care.

My body was created to nourish my baby and grow my baby and develop my baby. My body was created for me to carry my baby, and deliver my baby. My body knows the perfect size for my baby, AND the perfect time to her to come.  How amazing is that?! My body and my body know!

I have been thinking back on my pregnancy with Gracelyn. At 36 weeks I was miserable and wanted to be done. I was in pain, aching, and groaning. I didn’t treat my pregnancy or my body as something that was normal, but rather like the rest of society I treated it as a disability. I felt weak, tired, painful, swollen, and very sorry for myself. I wish someone would have grab ahold of my head, looked into my eyes and said, “You can do this. Your body was made to do this. Your baby knows the perfect time to come, and although it seems so far from now, but you WILL wish to be pregnant again at times, and these last few weeks should be cherished and honored, not hurried or rushed.”  Sadly, I doubt I would have listened, because I had been listening to society my entire pregnancy telling me that I was fragile and disabled. I believed the lie. I did not trust my body or my baby. I was done.

I wish I would have known then what I know now, but when you know better, you do better. I wish that I had never agreed to an induction, which increased my chances for a c-section by 50%! I believe I gave into induction because it was “normal”, it was what everyone did, and I was never made aware of the real risks. I was done feeling broken and fragile, and I of course wanted to meet my baby. I had NO idea how that choice was going to impact my birth, my breastfeeding relationship, and my bond with my daughter. Birth is not just for an end result of a baby. Birth is so much more. I believe in birth, I believe it has an impact on breastfeeding and on bonding. I am sadden for woman, like myself, who did not get what they wanted in their birth, and instead just “went with the flow” rather than making their own choices, listening to their bodies, and their babies, and TRUSTING themselves. I know not every birth is perfect, and I do know that things can go wrong in my upcoming birth, but I finally trust my body, my baby and my instincts.

I wish I could have told myself 2 years ago, and every pregnant woman out there:

You are NOT DISABLED, you are stronger than you think, you are able. You are braver than you believe. You CAN do this; you CAN have the birth you want. It is NOT too late to start making choices for yourself, rather than only listening to what your doctor says. You are strong, able, and competent to birth your baby. PLEASE do not let society tell you otherwise!

“Just as a women’s heart knows how and when to pump, her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from fire, so she knows WHEN and HOW to give birth.”

Bittersweet

Dear Sweet Elijah,

Today was your due date. Although I long to hold you in my arms and kiss on your sweet face, that will not come. Today is very bittersweet. If you had not left us so early, we would not be expecting Avalyn in 5 weeks. I long to meet my sweet Ava just as I long to one day meet you, sweet boy. Please know that you were just as wanted and longed for as your sisters. I cannot wait until the day where I can finally hold you in my arms for the first time. That day will not be today, and I am grieved that today I am not spent birthing you and meeting you, but I hold onto a hope. A hope to hold you, and a hold to see you. Please know that when the time comes next month to birth your sister, you will not be forgotten and you are forever in mama's heart. I love you sweet boy!

Love,
Your Mama

Birth Affirmations

Two posts in one day?! I know your mind.is.blown.

I thought I would make a post about some positive birth quotes and affirmations that I have written down for labor. I wrote some various quotes down on note cards to either read during labor, have read to me, or just to encourage me at the end of pregnancy. Feel free to add your favorites in the comments! I would love to add more to my list :-)

"3,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labor is hard work, and you can do it!"

"The power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me, because it is me"

"You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."

"Rain, after all is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain; unless we resist it, then it becomes torment."

"My body knows how to have this baby just as my body knew how to grow this baby."

"I do not fight the birth in any way. My body is totally relaxed. I am not afraid"

"My job is simply relax and allow birth to happen"

"Each contraction produces a healthy, positive pain that I can handle"

"I surrender to the contractions and I relinquish control of the forces within my body"

"I trust my instincts to know what I need in labor"

"Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers: strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength."

"The knowledge of how to give birth without outside interventions lies deep within each woman. Successful childbirth depends on an acceptance of this process."

"Birth is powerful, let it empower you."

"Just as a women's heart knows how and when to pump, her lungs to inhale, and her hand to pull back from fire, so she knows when and how to give birth."

"We have a secret in our culture. It's not that birth is painful, it's that woman are strong"

Psalm 43:4
"I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fear"

Deuteronomy 31:8
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed"

2 Cor 12:9
"My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!"

Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him"

Hebrews 10:35-36
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you (Avalyn)! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised."

Isaiah 41:10
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God: I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I bolded my favorites, what is your favorite? Put some in the comments :-)

Peace for the Hormonal Wreck

I am sure my husband may disagree slightly with this first statement but, I don’t think I was very hormonal during my pregnancy with Gracelyn. I am sure there were some hormones that came out at random times but I never felt overly emotional. However, for the past month or so this seems to be proving untrue with Avalyn. I seem to have many more unexplainable hormones and on some days it has turned me into an emotional wreck. I think some of this has to do with having a lot more going on in life than I did during my pregnancy with Gracelyn.  I have never had to work full time since Gracelyn has been born, and leaving her every day is turning me into a sobbing monster. When I am home, I seem to be completely overwhelmed with my part-time job, household chores, meals, cleaning, laundry, spending time with Tim and preparing to add another baby to our family.

 I am pretty awesome at to do lists. I love making them, and usually feel awesome having it all written down for me to visually check off as I get things done. My to do lists now however are beyond overwhelming to me as my body is starting to wear down and I find it more and more difficult to peal myself off of the couch after work.

I don’t mean for this post to be one of complaints and sympathy. When I first began to feel overwhelmed, I started looking up anxiety/depression when pregnant. I didn’t find very much except that it will get worse after having a baby. GREAT.

I realized life is not going to slow down with 2 kids under 2. I need to learn to embrace life for what it is now, the to do lists and all! I need to cherish the last weeks with Gracelyn, and not allow my to do lists and anxiety rob me from enjoying who she is and how her life will be changed. I want to enjoy this time in my pregnancy, because I remember all too often how much I wanted to be pregnant again after Gracelyn’s birth. Pregnancy is hard. It takes a toll on your body, physically and emotionally. But pregnancy is a process in life to teach, to mold, and to develop me to be able to parent my daughters. Just as labor is hard, painful, and sometimes long, it shapes me, and prepares me for motherhood.

I am beyond blessed to be carrying another sweet baby. I am beyond blessed to have one of the cutest and funniest 20 month olds. I am beyond blessed that Tim was able to get a job, which has allowed me to cut down on my hours slightly. I am beyond blessed to have a husband who loves me, and hasn’t run away from his crazy pregnant hormonal wife. Although my to do list has not slimed down much, I have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on that seems to bring more comfort and peace than completing my to do list!

By the grace of God I will choose to enjoy the last weeks in this pregnancy, and the last weeks with my only daughter!

Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart exults and with my song I shall thank Him."

{8 Months} ::Pregnancy Update::

How far along? 32 Weeks
Overall Emotion last month? Overwhelmed :(  I have been struggling with anxiety a lot this past month. Not over the birth or anything, I am very excited about that. I am feeling overwhelmed to get to the birthing time with how much we have going on. I am working full time, and part time, and Tim is working 2 part time jobs and is just starting his full time job, and Gracelyn being 1 and a half......it has just begun to take a toll on me. I am as excited as ever for our birthing time, as it is quickly approaching! I also just found out I have low thyroid....which may be attributing to my anxiety feelings and high pulse.
Maternity clothes? Of course, some of my size small materinty clothes seem to be shrinking...so I am up the mediums!
Sleep: I am beyond exhausted ALL.THE.TIME (again, I think because of my low thyroid, I am abnormally tired), and I get up about 5 times a night.
Best moment this month: Yet again, seeing my midwife and having our monthly appointments, and seeing God provide various things needed for Avalyn.
Weight Gain: +15lbs

Movement: She is a hardcore mover and groover, much more than Gracelyn ever was! She pretty much lives in my ribs, which is not so fun.
.Food cravings: peanut butter as always
Anything making you queasy or sick: sometimes chicken if it isn't cooked right
Have you started to show yet: growing and growing more and more. I still think I am a lot smaller than I was with G at 8 months.
Wedding rings on or off? still on but getting tighter.
Looking forward to: My maternity/family pictures, going to Wisconsin for a friends wedding and staying at my parents cabin with our best friends, kid free!
One thing I did well this month? Made notecards with quotes and verses on them, protein intake, and stretches
One thing I can work on this month? My anxiety level, enjoying the time alone with G, instead of letting it stress me out, not eating junk food.
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I think smaller, and just a different shape for sure.

Protein intake this month: Decent, but could be better
How does body & knee feel? Okay, not horrible but not great either.
Book Currently reading: Continued reading/watching positive birth stories, and reading Spirit-Led Parenting, which is a great book, I REALLY love this book!

Day of the Unknown

I struggle with the unknown. I am sure it has a lot to do with my controlling personality but there is fear in the not knowing, not controlling. There is fear that stirs up in me when I do not know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I think at one time or another we all can relate in that fear. 


Recently I have been struggling with this fear of the unknown yet again. The "planner" in me wants to know what is going to happen so I can be prepared, but if I am honest with myself, it is a control thing, it is a fear thing, it is a not trusting the One who knows what I need more than I know myself. 


T has been looking for a job since he graduated in May. This is something that brings great anxiety for me, especially because he only has a few months to find one before we have another baby, and I stop working. I abhor not knowing where he is going to work, and if it will support our growing family. He had an interview last week that seemed everything promising. He was extremely confident in getting this job, and I began to rest assured that this was the answer for our future, but he got word that he did not get the job. We are back to searching and interviewing. When T first told me he didn't get the job, I was devastated. Questions filled my mind and I didn't understand. I knew it was a job he really wanted and would have been amazing at. My bigger devastation came however, in being back to a place of unknown, a place of fear.


As I was praying for our future, I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt God gently asking me, why? Why am I worried now? Do I trust Him less now than I did a year ago? Do I no longer believe that He holds my future? Do I no longer have my hope in Him alone? My God is sovereign, even when I "think" I know what is best for my future.

Today marks the day of the ultimate unknown in my life. A day that held so much fear and so much unknown. One year ago today God had been teaching me to Trust in Him in ways that make the unknowns of T's job seem minuscule. One year ago today was a day of limbo. 


We just received word that my brother had stolen money from us and had gone missing. So many questions filled my mind, so much unknown was present, and extremely overwhelming. Where was he? Did he relapse? Did he overdose? Why was he not answering his phone? Was he alive or dead? Was yesterday the last time I will ever see him alive? 


These questions filled my mind on this very day last year. The overwhelming unknowns were ever present. I could rest in my God and know that He knew. He knew where Austin was, he knew the answers to my inner most fears and questions. My God knew. 


I can trust in the hope that my God holds my future. Even when outcomes do not seem to go as I would have planned or even hoped, my God knew, and my God has a much bigger perspective and a much bigger plan than I could ever imagine. Looking back on my brother's death, I am so grateful that God continues to teach me. I can trust him with my future, the unknowns and all! My God is a much better planner than I am, and I will choose to trust in His hope and His love, rather than my own. 


One year ago today marks the day of unknown, and tomorrow will bring answers, even if they are not the answers we had hoped for. 


My God is a sovereign God. 




You can read about God's Story in Austin here.

{7 months} ::Pregnant Update::

How far along? 28 weeks 5 days

Overall Emotion last month? SHOCK. I can not believe how fast this pregnancy is going. With Gracelyn it felt like it went so slow, and I am sure that is because I didn't know what to expect, but it has FLOWN by!

Maternity clothes? Yes,  I can still fit into some pre-pregnancy jeans with the ol' rubber band trick

Sleep: Doing well, I fall asleep in .2 seconds but of course get up about 5 times to pee

Best moment this month: Getting a few things for Avalyn's room like painting letters for her room (see below) and getting to feel her WAY more, she is much more active than Gracelyn was.

Weight Gain: +10lbs

Movement: Oh yes, she makes sure she is known in there. I don't remember feeling Gracelyn as much as I do Avalyn, I can feel her legs and grab ahold of them when she pushes out.

Food cravings: peanut butter...and junk food :-( 

Anything making you queasy or sick: not really, getting pretty sick of Mexican type foods though.

Have you started to show yet: yes, I feel quite a bit bigger than last month.

Wedding rings on or off? still on and loose

Looking forward to: hanging things up in Ava's room, ordering some home birth supplies, and spending alone time with Gracelyn before she has a sister

One thing I did well this month? Focused on my birth plans, and prepared mentally for an amazing experience

One thing I can work on this month? Diet was not as good as last month, and I can feel it in my body when I don't eat as well. On the days I eat good, I don't even feel pregnant and could run a marathon!

Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I would say about the same, maybe smaller, just for fun here is a photo of my belly 7 months pregnant with Gracelyn, what do you think??

Protein intake this month: Not terrible, but not as great as I can do, and as I did last month

How does body & knee feel? Like I said before, I feel great when I eat great, you would think that would teach me to eat great all the time, but sometimes a craving overtakes me...

Book Currently reading: Continued reading/watching positive birth stories, and reading Spirit-Led Parenting, which is a great book!




Here are the letters we painted for Avalyn's room: