Day of the Unknown

I struggle with the unknown. I am sure it has a lot to do with my controlling personality but there is fear in the not knowing, not controlling. There is fear that stirs up in me when I do not know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I think at one time or another we all can relate in that fear. 


Recently I have been struggling with this fear of the unknown yet again. The "planner" in me wants to know what is going to happen so I can be prepared, but if I am honest with myself, it is a control thing, it is a fear thing, it is a not trusting the One who knows what I need more than I know myself. 


T has been looking for a job since he graduated in May. This is something that brings great anxiety for me, especially because he only has a few months to find one before we have another baby, and I stop working. I abhor not knowing where he is going to work, and if it will support our growing family. He had an interview last week that seemed everything promising. He was extremely confident in getting this job, and I began to rest assured that this was the answer for our future, but he got word that he did not get the job. We are back to searching and interviewing. When T first told me he didn't get the job, I was devastated. Questions filled my mind and I didn't understand. I knew it was a job he really wanted and would have been amazing at. My bigger devastation came however, in being back to a place of unknown, a place of fear.


As I was praying for our future, I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt God gently asking me, why? Why am I worried now? Do I trust Him less now than I did a year ago? Do I no longer believe that He holds my future? Do I no longer have my hope in Him alone? My God is sovereign, even when I "think" I know what is best for my future.

Today marks the day of the ultimate unknown in my life. A day that held so much fear and so much unknown. One year ago today God had been teaching me to Trust in Him in ways that make the unknowns of T's job seem minuscule. One year ago today was a day of limbo. 


We just received word that my brother had stolen money from us and had gone missing. So many questions filled my mind, so much unknown was present, and extremely overwhelming. Where was he? Did he relapse? Did he overdose? Why was he not answering his phone? Was he alive or dead? Was yesterday the last time I will ever see him alive? 


These questions filled my mind on this very day last year. The overwhelming unknowns were ever present. I could rest in my God and know that He knew. He knew where Austin was, he knew the answers to my inner most fears and questions. My God knew. 


I can trust in the hope that my God holds my future. Even when outcomes do not seem to go as I would have planned or even hoped, my God knew, and my God has a much bigger perspective and a much bigger plan than I could ever imagine. Looking back on my brother's death, I am so grateful that God continues to teach me. I can trust him with my future, the unknowns and all! My God is a much better planner than I am, and I will choose to trust in His hope and His love, rather than my own. 


One year ago today marks the day of unknown, and tomorrow will bring answers, even if they are not the answers we had hoped for. 


My God is a sovereign God. 




You can read about God's Story in Austin here.