So much has been happening in the Schweitzer household that I don't even know where to begin to fill people in. As boring as this post may be, I thought I'd do a mass update, read it if you want, but I don't mind if you fall asleep ;-)
A few weeks ago we heard that Antioch Christian Church in Odessa, Texas was looking for a worship director. As some of you may know, this is the church that our best friend Aaron just started at as the youth minister a few months ago. We had no intention of "following" Aaron and Julie to Texas and it got brought up as a joke but somehow God worked out some details and last week the church flew us down there to interview for the position. The weeks leading up to our trip Tim and I spent much time in prayer and fasting. We were very excited to go, even though the thought of living in Texas wasn't very appealing. God transformed Tim's heart the weeks leading up to this trip, and drew Tim closer to Himself and created a heart of worship in Tim that I had not seen before. I knew God was working, and we were very excited for our trip.
As excited as we were, I don't think Satan was very happy about it. The day we were supposed to fly to Texas, with a 23 month old and a 2 month old, Tim woke up with the flu. He felt horrible and didn't do very well on the flights. Our plane got delayed, but after a very long day of flying, we eventually got to the church for worship practice. The first day in Texas I was struggling. Tim was struggling physically with the flu but I was really struggling emotionally. I didn't know what it was but I knew Satan was attacking me, and I was having a difficult time. After a lot of prayer, and a long talk with my best friend, God drew me near to Him and gave me a peace and excitement for the rest of the trip.
The scenery isn't very awesome in Odessa, and the location isn't ideal but I LOVED it there. I loved the church, the people, and most importantly I loved seeing what God was doing in and through the people at Antioch Christian Church. We had a wonderful trip and we are very excited to see what God will continue to do there, with or without us!
Returning home was nice but overwhelming. We are praying about where God wants us, and for peace in the waiting. On Wednesday, the day after we got home, and the day before Thanksgiving, Tim went into work. Beyond shockingly he was fired from the printing company he worked for. Tim had asked for a few days off for Texas and his boss agreed but asked why. Tim had prayed about what to say and decided to be honest with his boss that we were interviewing for a ministry position. All seemed well when we left, but upon our return, his boss I guess didn't like that Tim had interviewed somewhere else, and "didn't want to be his temp agency". We were shocked because we thought his boss was okay with it, and we still don't even know about the position in Texas or any other positions.
So now I ask for prayer. Prayer for peace and patience on my end, prayer for answers and clarity, prayer for provision. We have decided that we are going to be moving, but we just don't know where that is yet. It may be Texas, it may be Arizona, it may be somewhere in Illinois. We don't have a job offer on the table yet but we do have a few good leads. So in the mean time, while we wait, we are going to move in with my parents to save some money. Since we know we will be moving, we are going to just put our things in storage and stay with my parents for a few weeks until we get more direction on where we are going to go. This is one of the scariest things I have ever done, and pretty overwhelming but God is good, and we know it'll all work out.
If you read through this all I ask that you please be in prayer for us as we pack up our house and move in the next week and a half! If you are in the Bloomington area, come say goodbye to us over some coffee and pack a box while you're at it! ;-)
Friday, November 23, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Kadence's Birth Story: Part 2
Go ahead and Read Part 1 here
My sweet boy, God did not stop teaching me there. The best was yet to come!
My sweet boy, God did not stop teaching me there. The best was yet to come!
Saturday evening came, you daddy and I were still laboring alone. We went upstairs to try to relax and get some rest. Daddy fell asleep and I began to struggle through contractions, so I woke him up for help. We slow danced in our bedroom, and kissed, and hugged, and I felt your daddy's love for me and for you. I felt his love in his touch and his sweet words. As we were slow dancing through a particularly hard contraction, I heard a POP, and my waters broke...all over the bedroom floor and your daddy's feet! Excitement overcame me as I was waiting for my waters to break, I knew it was a sure sign that you would be here soon, and that although it could still be hours, I knew you were coming! Daddy updated the midwife, J, and Jessica and after a few hours of even more intense contractions I asked Jessica to come back in the early morning hours on Sunday. We continued to labor, contractions about 2-3 minutes apart lasting about 90 seconds. After a few hours, Jessica decided to head home for a bit to rest since she wasn't feeling well. In her place came my very good friend Jenny. Jenny was also an amazing doula for me, and helped your mommy focus on meeting you! Jenny was amazing at reminding your mommy to relax, and reminding me what this was all for, YOU! I would get to meet you soon, and that reminder gave me hope.
We continued to labor through the evening into the morning hours. Jessica returned, and Jenny stayed to help as well. Your daddy and Uncle Aaron played and sang worship songs through the entire labor. This helped me so much to focus on my Jesus. I will never forget the room's darkness, the candles flickering, and everyone belting out praises to our God. Such an amazing memory that I will forever cherish. I hope you know one day my sweet boy how much love and prayer you were born into.
By Sunday afternoon I felt done. I was beyond exhausted and I felt like I couldn't go on. I felt like a failure. I was ready to go to the hospital because I didn't have the strength to go on. I share with your daddy and Jessica my feelings and I bawled at the thought of going to the hospital. I didn't want to give up. Medically, you and I were both fine and I felt like I would be letting you down to give up. I bawled. My heart broke. I wanted this so badly. The feelings of failure and brokenness that were all to familiar with your sister's birth came upon me.Through the tears the shared with Jessica my broken heart, how much I wanted this birth at home, how much I wanted this birth to heal my experience with your sister. My God knew how badly I wanted this, how much I had planned and prepared for it, so why was He making it so hard? Jessica held me as I cried and questioned my God. She looked at me in the eyes and said, "this birth isn't what is going to heal you, God is who heals you." God spoke so much through Jessica, in ways I had never experienced before. We all cried as I for the first time came to grips with going to the hospital. Once I surrendered that, once I gave up my pride and holding onto this birth experience to heal me, God truly began healing me.
I asked daddy to call the midwife as I wanted to be checked again before I made my decision to head to the hospital. When J arrived, she talked to me about what I wanted. She asked me a year from now, would I regret going to the hospital. I knew I would, I knew I would always regret it but I felt like I could not go on. I felt like I did not have a choice. I was so tired. J checked me again and said I was at a 5, stretchy to a 7. To me, this wasn't amazing news because it wasn't a 10, but to everyone else they were so encouraged and happy. I had surpassed what I was with your sister's birth and things were moving along. Everyone was filled with joy and excitement. I remember laboring with daddy in the bathroom and asking him what he thought I should do. He looked at me and said, "I know you are tired, but I believe you can do this." He was right. Although I couldn't commit to staying home, I did decided that I would stay home as long as I could. I ate a meal, went for another walk, and was ready to continue at home.
As contractions continued and were stronger than ever, the only thing that got me through each one was everyone's support around me and smelling lavender oil. I don't even like the smell of lavender but something about it helped me to focus on it during contractions. As soon as a contraction would come, everyone would rush over, take positions either with counter pressure or holding lavender oil under my nose. I felt so loved and so supported.
By 9pm Sunday evening, after being in labor since Wednesday, I was FINALLY reedy to push. I pushed in the tub, in the bathroom, on the toilet, on the stairs, on a chair, on the couch, on the floor. I pushed everywhere and this is where God met me again. I had surrendered what I thought was everything, until now. I truly had nothing left of me. I was beyond exhausted and had zero strength left. All I could do is pray, pray that God would give me the strength, pray that He would meet me. I have never felt so broken and empty. THIS is where God wanted me, THIS is where His glory could truly shine. THIS is where He could teach me and mold me. THIS is where every ounce of me needed to be surrendered to Him.
As I pushed everyone surrounded me. I was so supported by your daddy, J,J's assistant, Jessica, Jenny and Julie. Everyone was cheering me on, encouraging me, through their own exhaustion they continued to cheer and give me hope. I remember leaning over the couch holding onto Jenny's arms. I remember her looking into my ears, not showing any fear, or tiredness. She kept saying, "you will meet your baby soon, Abby."
As I pushed everyone surrounded me. I was so supported by your daddy, J,J's assistant, Jessica, Jenny and Julie. Everyone was cheering me on, encouraging me, through their own exhaustion they continued to cheer and give me hope. I remember leaning over the couch holding onto Jenny's arms. I remember her looking into my ears, not showing any fear, or tiredness. She kept saying, "you will meet your baby soon, Abby."
Finally, after surrendering the last drop I had left, at 3:17am Monday morning, 6 hours into pushing, I gave one last push that brought you flying into my arms on my living room floor. "MY BABY" I cried. I held you and looked into your eyes. You just stared at me for a second, not crying. You knew who I was, you knew you were safe. Love poured over me, and as exhausted as I was I was so so in love with you. I felt like the world stopped. Everyone was cheering and crying and excited but I did not hear or see any of it. It was just you and I, in our own little world. Oh my baby, I will never forget holding you up to my breast, looking into your eyes as you met the world.
After about 10 minutes in my arms I decided to check out what I thought would be your lady parts, but much to my surprise and shock, after 2 ultrasounds that said you were a girl, you had a penis! The entire room exploded in laughter and disbelief. Who we thought was our sweet Avalyn turned out to be you, our little man. We waited for the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it, and I delivered the placenta. Everyone got busy cleaning the house, doing laundry and putting everything back together. We snuggled on the couch and nursed. After a few hours the doulas and midwife left and everyone else went to bed. I held you in my arms, and after not sleeping for 5 days I still couldn't manage to take my eyes off of you. My sweet baby boy. We nursed and snuggled and nursed and once you finally fell asleep I just laid on the couch staring at you for hours. It was finally over, I had you in my arms. I knew my God more intimately, He delivered me, He gave me strength, He healed me.
After about 10 minutes in my arms I decided to check out what I thought would be your lady parts, but much to my surprise and shock, after 2 ultrasounds that said you were a girl, you had a penis! The entire room exploded in laughter and disbelief. Who we thought was our sweet Avalyn turned out to be you, our little man. We waited for the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it, and I delivered the placenta. Everyone got busy cleaning the house, doing laundry and putting everything back together. We snuggled on the couch and nursed. After a few hours the doulas and midwife left and everyone else went to bed. I held you in my arms, and after not sleeping for 5 days I still couldn't manage to take my eyes off of you. My sweet baby boy. We nursed and snuggled and nursed and once you finally fell asleep I just laid on the couch staring at you for hours. It was finally over, I had you in my arms. I knew my God more intimately, He delivered me, He gave me strength, He healed me.
Some may think that birth doesn't matter, all that matters is a healthy baby. I disagree, birth matters, birth shaped me as a mother. Birth taught me things about my body, my baby and my God. Birth brought me to a place of utter brokenness and God met me there in a way I have never allowed Him to before. I was not less of a mother with Gracelyn because she was born by surgery, but I do believe this is how birth should be. Pain should be experienced in order to fully grasp God's strength and God's healing power. When God cursed woman in Genesis with having to go through childbirth, labor, I do not believe He did so to torture us, just as God uses pain and suffering in life to mold us and teach us, I believe He wants to use birth to mold and teach us as mothers.
Was it worth it? Was 108 hours of labor and 6 hours of pushing worth it? YES. I do not regret having my baby at home, I do not wish I had an epidural or pain medications. Although it was hard, I am so very thankful for the experience and what God taught me through it!
Was it worth it? Was 108 hours of labor and 6 hours of pushing worth it? YES. I do not regret having my baby at home, I do not wish I had an epidural or pain medications. Although it was hard, I am so very thankful for the experience and what God taught me through it!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Kadence's Birth Story: Part 1
Dear Kadence,
I cannot believe you are three weeks old and it has taken me so long to sit down to write this. These three weeks have flown by, although they have been challenging at times. I want to share with you what God did, what He taught me, and how He changed me during your birth. This is quite a long story, after being in labor for 108 hours, there is so much to write. I tried to cut it down, but I didn't want to forget anything. I am going to break this letter up, so that I can include everything.
I had been much more patient this pregnancy than with your sister's. I was enjoying the end of my pregnancy, even though some prodromal labor was messing with my emotions. Every evening for about 9 days I would get contractions, about 5 minutes apart, increasing in intensity, would not go away with rest, showers, water, or walking; typical labor signs, except after hours and hours, they would soon fizzle out, leaving me frustrated and longing to meet you. Just one week before your birth I wrote this. I had no idea how true this blog was going to be. I knew God was teaching me, and was going to teaching me great things during your labor, but I had no idea how much that truly was going to be.
Wednesday night September 12th rolled around. I had been having contractions all evening like usual but these were much stronger than the practice labor I had been having. I was not able to get any sleep and felt like maybe "this was it". I labored through the night, not sleeping at all. Daddy decided to go to work the next morning, and was waiting for a phone call. Your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju came over to play with your sister so that I could try to rest between contractions. We were all so excited, but I refused to believe you were really coming until that evening. By Thursday night I KNEW I was in labor and we called your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju to come back over around 11pm. Your daddy decided to get some sleep and A & J stayed up with me, helping me through contractions. We decided at about 3am it was time to bake you a birthday cake; funfetti cake with strawberry frosting. I was feeling excited that this time was finally here but something inside me was preparing for a long labor, even though the contractions were strong and close together. I had no idea however, how long this labor was actually going to be.
Friday afternoon my amazing doula Jessica arrived. She helped me relax through contractions, and her presence was such a calming peace. I love this woman, and truly believe God placed her at your birth for a reason. She loved and cared for your mama so beautifully. The sacrifice of time, sleep, food, and energy from everyone at your birth was astounding. They all labor right along side me, caring for me and praying with me.
Daddy had been in contact with the midwife throughout the day, updating her on my progress. Contractions were about 3 minutes apart now lasting about a minute long. I was so tired and ready to meet you. Although the contractions were very painful, I felt as though God was not done teaching me, and much more was ahead even though everyone else thought I was in transition. I had all the signs of transition so we were all starting to think the end was near.
Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju took amazing care of your big sister. Gracelyn loved to help mama make noise during contractions and was beyond thrilled when we let her get into the birthing pool with me. She splashed and played, and when a contraction came, she leaned over and gave me sweet hugs and kisses. The joy on her face was contagious. I loved snuggling her in the pool and spending precious moments with her.
By Friday night I was feeling like I was ready to push. I felt a lot of pressure, and not having been through pushing before I assumed I was ready. We called our midwife, J, and she was on her way! About an hour later J arrived. Oh Kade, this woman loves the Lord and took such wonderful care of your mama. I do not think you would have been born as peacefully as you were if it were not for her. She listened to your heart rate often and continued to comment on how "boring" you were. You were so peaceful in there! You heart rate remain constant and steady. During contractions J would kneel next to me, saying peaceful, relaxing things, and pray. This woman prayed for you my boy, she prayed often, we all did! I never felt so surround by prayer and peace before.
After a few hours of pushing, I felt something was "off" and wasn't feeling like it was working. J doesn't usually do vaginal checks because they are a poor indicator of progress, can introduce infection, and caused premature rupture of membranes (breaking waters). However, I felt like I needed to know if I should be pushing or not. J was hesitant because she truly didn't want to discourage me. I asked her to not tell me my number but rather just tell me if I should be pushing. The exam was extremely painful as my cervix was posterior. She finished the exam, looked at me in the eyes and softly said, "you are 90% effaced, but sweetie, you are not ready to push." I felt broken. I was sure I had pushy feelings. After those words left her lips, I broke down crying. You daddy, J, the midwife assistant and Jessica poured over top of me, crying and praying with me. I was exhausted, and I thought it was almost over. I could tell by midwife's reaction that I still had a ways to go. I was devastated. I felt as though this was turning into Gracelyn's birth all over again and that I would never dilate. My midwife looked me in the eyes and said, "Abby, sometimes we have to go through something similar to that which harmed us and overcome it, in order to truly heal." I am so thankful that she didn't tell me my number because if I would have known at the time that I was only at a 1, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. If I would have known you wouldn't be here until Monday, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. I am thankful I did not know, I am thankful for the reminders from everyone to take one contraction at a time and trust in God's perfect timing. I am thankful for God's provision.
Everyone left Friday night so daddy and I could labor alone. The intimacy was wonderful. I will never forget those moments alone with your daddy, his sweet touch, calming words, and loving presence gave me hope. Saturday morning I was beside myself. Your daddy decided to help me into the bath to try to relax and rest. He lit candles that my friends had made for me at my blessing way, shut off the lights in the bathroom, put on worship music, and held my hand as I labored in the bathtub. It was a truly beautiful time that I will never forget. I held daddy's hand and sang out, "All I need to do is worship, all I need to do is say His name out loud, all I need to do is lift my hands, surrender, and bow down. All I need to do is find Him. All I need to do is let His presence fall. All I need to do is worship, worship the Lord."
After our bath your daddy fell asleep, and I was grateful to continue to labor alone with my God. With candles still lit in the dark and worship music playing, I bounced on my ball and sang songs to my God. I yelled, I prayed, I cried, I begged, I sang. I was held, I was given peace, I was given hope, I was given strength. I felt the presence of God in a way I never had before. I surrendered what I thought was everything I had, and was immediately filled with peace and hope. I discovered at this time that the reason I was feeling pushy the evening before was because I was fighting each contraction, rather than relaxing and surrendering to them. This created a lot of pressure and did not help me to dilate. By the grace of God I was able to stop fighting the contractions, and surrender to Him. All I needed to do was worship Him. I focused on those lyrics, and did just that.
Another song that impacted my worship for this entire labor was a song called "Worth It All" by Rita Springer. This song played a million times over the course of laboring, and each time brought joy and hope to my heart. It would be worth it in the end. I would meet you, and love you, and it would be worth all of the pain I was in.
My sweet boy you were so worth every contraction, every hour, every push. Much greater than that though was how much your mommy was able to know God more deeply. I have been through pain in my lift, physical and emotional. I have always prided myself on being strong, holding it together. This however was a time that your mommy had to surrender the strength, the energy, the birth. I have to give in to the contractions and give in the to fact that I had no strength left. I had to completely surrender to my God. This was a lesson that is so much more than your birth. God used your birth to changed and mold your mommy, so that when the tough times comes, and they will, I will surrender to my God, and by His grace and His strength alone, we can carry on.
Continue reading
Part 2
I cannot believe you are three weeks old and it has taken me so long to sit down to write this. These three weeks have flown by, although they have been challenging at times. I want to share with you what God did, what He taught me, and how He changed me during your birth. This is quite a long story, after being in labor for 108 hours, there is so much to write. I tried to cut it down, but I didn't want to forget anything. I am going to break this letter up, so that I can include everything.
I had been much more patient this pregnancy than with your sister's. I was enjoying the end of my pregnancy, even though some prodromal labor was messing with my emotions. Every evening for about 9 days I would get contractions, about 5 minutes apart, increasing in intensity, would not go away with rest, showers, water, or walking; typical labor signs, except after hours and hours, they would soon fizzle out, leaving me frustrated and longing to meet you. Just one week before your birth I wrote this. I had no idea how true this blog was going to be. I knew God was teaching me, and was going to teaching me great things during your labor, but I had no idea how much that truly was going to be.
Wednesday night September 12th rolled around. I had been having contractions all evening like usual but these were much stronger than the practice labor I had been having. I was not able to get any sleep and felt like maybe "this was it". I labored through the night, not sleeping at all. Daddy decided to go to work the next morning, and was waiting for a phone call. Your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju came over to play with your sister so that I could try to rest between contractions. We were all so excited, but I refused to believe you were really coming until that evening. By Thursday night I KNEW I was in labor and we called your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju to come back over around 11pm. Your daddy decided to get some sleep and A & J stayed up with me, helping me through contractions. We decided at about 3am it was time to bake you a birthday cake; funfetti cake with strawberry frosting. I was feeling excited that this time was finally here but something inside me was preparing for a long labor, even though the contractions were strong and close together. I had no idea however, how long this labor was actually going to be.
Friday afternoon my amazing doula Jessica arrived. She helped me relax through contractions, and her presence was such a calming peace. I love this woman, and truly believe God placed her at your birth for a reason. She loved and cared for your mama so beautifully. The sacrifice of time, sleep, food, and energy from everyone at your birth was astounding. They all labor right along side me, caring for me and praying with me.
Daddy had been in contact with the midwife throughout the day, updating her on my progress. Contractions were about 3 minutes apart now lasting about a minute long. I was so tired and ready to meet you. Although the contractions were very painful, I felt as though God was not done teaching me, and much more was ahead even though everyone else thought I was in transition. I had all the signs of transition so we were all starting to think the end was near.
Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju took amazing care of your big sister. Gracelyn loved to help mama make noise during contractions and was beyond thrilled when we let her get into the birthing pool with me. She splashed and played, and when a contraction came, she leaned over and gave me sweet hugs and kisses. The joy on her face was contagious. I loved snuggling her in the pool and spending precious moments with her.
By Friday night I was feeling like I was ready to push. I felt a lot of pressure, and not having been through pushing before I assumed I was ready. We called our midwife, J, and she was on her way! About an hour later J arrived. Oh Kade, this woman loves the Lord and took such wonderful care of your mama. I do not think you would have been born as peacefully as you were if it were not for her. She listened to your heart rate often and continued to comment on how "boring" you were. You were so peaceful in there! You heart rate remain constant and steady. During contractions J would kneel next to me, saying peaceful, relaxing things, and pray. This woman prayed for you my boy, she prayed often, we all did! I never felt so surround by prayer and peace before.
After a few hours of pushing, I felt something was "off" and wasn't feeling like it was working. J doesn't usually do vaginal checks because they are a poor indicator of progress, can introduce infection, and caused premature rupture of membranes (breaking waters). However, I felt like I needed to know if I should be pushing or not. J was hesitant because she truly didn't want to discourage me. I asked her to not tell me my number but rather just tell me if I should be pushing. The exam was extremely painful as my cervix was posterior. She finished the exam, looked at me in the eyes and softly said, "you are 90% effaced, but sweetie, you are not ready to push." I felt broken. I was sure I had pushy feelings. After those words left her lips, I broke down crying. You daddy, J, the midwife assistant and Jessica poured over top of me, crying and praying with me. I was exhausted, and I thought it was almost over. I could tell by midwife's reaction that I still had a ways to go. I was devastated. I felt as though this was turning into Gracelyn's birth all over again and that I would never dilate. My midwife looked me in the eyes and said, "Abby, sometimes we have to go through something similar to that which harmed us and overcome it, in order to truly heal." I am so thankful that she didn't tell me my number because if I would have known at the time that I was only at a 1, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. If I would have known you wouldn't be here until Monday, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. I am thankful I did not know, I am thankful for the reminders from everyone to take one contraction at a time and trust in God's perfect timing. I am thankful for God's provision.
Everyone left Friday night so daddy and I could labor alone. The intimacy was wonderful. I will never forget those moments alone with your daddy, his sweet touch, calming words, and loving presence gave me hope. Saturday morning I was beside myself. Your daddy decided to help me into the bath to try to relax and rest. He lit candles that my friends had made for me at my blessing way, shut off the lights in the bathroom, put on worship music, and held my hand as I labored in the bathtub. It was a truly beautiful time that I will never forget. I held daddy's hand and sang out, "All I need to do is worship, all I need to do is say His name out loud, all I need to do is lift my hands, surrender, and bow down. All I need to do is find Him. All I need to do is let His presence fall. All I need to do is worship, worship the Lord."
After our bath your daddy fell asleep, and I was grateful to continue to labor alone with my God. With candles still lit in the dark and worship music playing, I bounced on my ball and sang songs to my God. I yelled, I prayed, I cried, I begged, I sang. I was held, I was given peace, I was given hope, I was given strength. I felt the presence of God in a way I never had before. I surrendered what I thought was everything I had, and was immediately filled with peace and hope. I discovered at this time that the reason I was feeling pushy the evening before was because I was fighting each contraction, rather than relaxing and surrendering to them. This created a lot of pressure and did not help me to dilate. By the grace of God I was able to stop fighting the contractions, and surrender to Him. All I needed to do was worship Him. I focused on those lyrics, and did just that.
Another song that impacted my worship for this entire labor was a song called "Worth It All" by Rita Springer. This song played a million times over the course of laboring, and each time brought joy and hope to my heart. It would be worth it in the end. I would meet you, and love you, and it would be worth all of the pain I was in.
My sweet boy you were so worth every contraction, every hour, every push. Much greater than that though was how much your mommy was able to know God more deeply. I have been through pain in my lift, physical and emotional. I have always prided myself on being strong, holding it together. This however was a time that your mommy had to surrender the strength, the energy, the birth. I have to give in to the contractions and give in the to fact that I had no strength left. I had to completely surrender to my God. This was a lesson that is so much more than your birth. God used your birth to changed and mold your mommy, so that when the tough times comes, and they will, I will surrender to my God, and by His grace and His strength alone, we can carry on.
Continue reading
Part 2
Monday, September 10, 2012
My Strength and My Hope
I feel the Lord drawing me closer as my due date becomes closer and closer. I have been preparing and planning, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for this birth and I am truly at such a peace for it to unfold.
Physically I feel pretty prepared, I have everything I need, everything is in it's place and the house is ready thanks to some dear friends who came over when we were at a midwife appointment and organized and cleaned the house for me! Such a huge blessing to me and truly helped me mentally to feel secure about going into labor.
I have had many nights of prodromal labor, which contractions are 5 minutes apart and definitely uncomfortable, but after many hours, they seem to just peter out. I am not even at my due date yet, so I am patiently waiting for my baby, but sometimes emotionally these "I think this is it" episodes can take a toll. I am so thankful for supportive and loving friends who continue to remind me that Avalyn will come when she is ready, and that she is getting into a perfect position for labor and preparing my body through these "practice" contractions.
Now that our house is somewhat in order, as much as it can be with a toddler, I feel a lot better about actually going into labor. Before when these practice contractions would occur I would immediately feel fear and unprepared because the house wasn't "perfect" or the laundry was not done, or dishes were in the sink. I have come to accept the fact that although I have been dreaming and preparing for this birthing time, it will go perfectly according to God, and my standards don't matter. The house may be a mess but I can still lovingly worship God and bring my daughter into this world.
Spiritually I have felt such a connection to God when planning and preparing for my birth. I believe that my body was designed by God to birth my baby and that the act of birthing should not be a medical one unless there is a problem. During my quite time this last week God has been reminding me that He is going to be my strength during this time. I do not need to fear the pain, or the process because He designed it, He created it, He created my body, and He created my sweet baby.
I believe there are many things that can be learned from birth, and I am truly excited to experience this time with my husband, my baby, and my God. The promise that I continue to hear from God the last few days is that He is my strength.
I have experienced some trials and difficulties in life, yet I never feel closest to God in any other time. He always draws me near to Him during difficult moments in my life, when I finally give up my pride and surrender, He is there holding me. Why would I think my birthing time to be any different? I am sure there are going to be moments of pain and fear and feelings of not being able to do it, and I KNOW He is going to be right there, holding me as I surrender and He fills me with His strength. I do not enjoy the trials I have been through in my life, but I truly believe that I would not be who I am, or know a part of God without them. Every trial, every pain in life has drawn me closer to Him and I know that these last few days or weeks He will continue to prepare me and during labor I know that He will be my strength and my hope. He will carry me through contractions, and He will be my guide.
I am so excited for the intimacy with God during this time. I can't wait to meet my baby, and to meet my God in a new way. Please pray for physical safety, for mental peace, and most importantly for spiritual strengthening during this time.
A song I have been listening to recently and has really encouraged me as I wait and prepare is Rita Springer Worth it All <---feel free to listen to it if you want!
Physically I feel pretty prepared, I have everything I need, everything is in it's place and the house is ready thanks to some dear friends who came over when we were at a midwife appointment and organized and cleaned the house for me! Such a huge blessing to me and truly helped me mentally to feel secure about going into labor.
I have had many nights of prodromal labor, which contractions are 5 minutes apart and definitely uncomfortable, but after many hours, they seem to just peter out. I am not even at my due date yet, so I am patiently waiting for my baby, but sometimes emotionally these "I think this is it" episodes can take a toll. I am so thankful for supportive and loving friends who continue to remind me that Avalyn will come when she is ready, and that she is getting into a perfect position for labor and preparing my body through these "practice" contractions.
Now that our house is somewhat in order, as much as it can be with a toddler, I feel a lot better about actually going into labor. Before when these practice contractions would occur I would immediately feel fear and unprepared because the house wasn't "perfect" or the laundry was not done, or dishes were in the sink. I have come to accept the fact that although I have been dreaming and preparing for this birthing time, it will go perfectly according to God, and my standards don't matter. The house may be a mess but I can still lovingly worship God and bring my daughter into this world.
Spiritually I have felt such a connection to God when planning and preparing for my birth. I believe that my body was designed by God to birth my baby and that the act of birthing should not be a medical one unless there is a problem. During my quite time this last week God has been reminding me that He is going to be my strength during this time. I do not need to fear the pain, or the process because He designed it, He created it, He created my body, and He created my sweet baby.
I believe there are many things that can be learned from birth, and I am truly excited to experience this time with my husband, my baby, and my God. The promise that I continue to hear from God the last few days is that He is my strength.
I have experienced some trials and difficulties in life, yet I never feel closest to God in any other time. He always draws me near to Him during difficult moments in my life, when I finally give up my pride and surrender, He is there holding me. Why would I think my birthing time to be any different? I am sure there are going to be moments of pain and fear and feelings of not being able to do it, and I KNOW He is going to be right there, holding me as I surrender and He fills me with His strength. I do not enjoy the trials I have been through in my life, but I truly believe that I would not be who I am, or know a part of God without them. Every trial, every pain in life has drawn me closer to Him and I know that these last few days or weeks He will continue to prepare me and during labor I know that He will be my strength and my hope. He will carry me through contractions, and He will be my guide.
I am so excited for the intimacy with God during this time. I can't wait to meet my baby, and to meet my God in a new way. Please pray for physical safety, for mental peace, and most importantly for spiritual strengthening during this time.
A song I have been listening to recently and has really encouraged me as I wait and prepare is Rita Springer Worth it All <---feel free to listen to it if you want!
Friday, August 24, 2012
{9 Months} ::Pregnancy Update::
Forgot a picture with this post, but you can look at the post before it for most recent pictures :)
How far along? 36.2 weeks
Overall Emotion last month? excited and thrilled! It is coming so soon and I am getting so excited to meet my girl. I have been feeling good and excited for this birth. I can't believe I am due in less than a month. I am eagerly waiting for labor, but relaxed in knowing that my girl knows her birth day!
Maternity clothes? yup, AND I found all of my lost maternity clothes that were stored at my parents house....just in time to not need them anymore ;)
Sleep: Still pretty tired, up at least 5 times a night to go potty. Avalyn dropped last week so potty breaks some a lot more often. Rolling over in bed is a fun game. Tim gave up sleeping in bed with me because I take up too much room and rock the bed when I roll over every hour. He moved a mattress in from the guest bedroom onto the floor. He snuggles me to sleep and then moves down there to sleep. He loves it and said he hasn't slept better in years! He thinks he is moving back in bed with me after the baby comes but I think there will be less room with Avalyn in there.
Best moment this month: I have had lots. Taking maternity photos, visiting with my midwife, going to a beautiful wedding at an orchard in Wisconson. I loved gathering all of my birth supplies and putting it all together. I still have some stuff I want to get done before Ava comes but don't have a lot of free time to do it. Overall we have had a fun month and next month is packed full of fun and exciting things as well. Tim and I are going on a babymoon in a few weeks a night away in a hotel is going to be great!
Weight Gain: +22lbs
How far along? 36.2 weeks
Overall Emotion last month? excited and thrilled! It is coming so soon and I am getting so excited to meet my girl. I have been feeling good and excited for this birth. I can't believe I am due in less than a month. I am eagerly waiting for labor, but relaxed in knowing that my girl knows her birth day!
Maternity clothes? yup, AND I found all of my lost maternity clothes that were stored at my parents house....just in time to not need them anymore ;)
Sleep: Still pretty tired, up at least 5 times a night to go potty. Avalyn dropped last week so potty breaks some a lot more often. Rolling over in bed is a fun game. Tim gave up sleeping in bed with me because I take up too much room and rock the bed when I roll over every hour. He moved a mattress in from the guest bedroom onto the floor. He snuggles me to sleep and then moves down there to sleep. He loves it and said he hasn't slept better in years! He thinks he is moving back in bed with me after the baby comes but I think there will be less room with Avalyn in there.
Best moment this month: I have had lots. Taking maternity photos, visiting with my midwife, going to a beautiful wedding at an orchard in Wisconson. I loved gathering all of my birth supplies and putting it all together. I still have some stuff I want to get done before Ava comes but don't have a lot of free time to do it. Overall we have had a fun month and next month is packed full of fun and exciting things as well. Tim and I are going on a babymoon in a few weeks a night away in a hotel is going to be great!
Weight Gain: +22lbs
Movement: She isn't in my ribs as much as she dropped down lower but she still moves quite a bit.
.Food cravings: bananas, peanut butter, peanut butter oreos (did you know they had such an amazing invention?)
Anything making you queasy or sick: nothing really
Have you started to show yet: growing bigger but I really dont "feel" that big. WIth Gracelyn I felt pregnant, I felt like I was carrying around a huge belly, this time, there are times when I dont even notice it.
Wedding rings on or off? still on but getting tighter.
Looking forward to: Babymoon with Tim, Blessingway with some special friends, and getting to spend some time with G alone before Avalyn comes. I am offically done with work on September 7th, so then I get to be home with G every day!
One thing I did well this month? Pilates, took a lot of walks, stretches
One thing I can work on this month? Enjoying the time I have left alone with G, finish things for Ava before she comes, and staying active until labor.
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I think I am smaller still, at least I feel smaller.
.Food cravings: bananas, peanut butter, peanut butter oreos (did you know they had such an amazing invention?)
Anything making you queasy or sick: nothing really
Have you started to show yet: growing bigger but I really dont "feel" that big. WIth Gracelyn I felt pregnant, I felt like I was carrying around a huge belly, this time, there are times when I dont even notice it.
Wedding rings on or off? still on but getting tighter.
Looking forward to: Babymoon with Tim, Blessingway with some special friends, and getting to spend some time with G alone before Avalyn comes. I am offically done with work on September 7th, so then I get to be home with G every day!
One thing I did well this month? Pilates, took a lot of walks, stretches
One thing I can work on this month? Enjoying the time I have left alone with G, finish things for Ava before she comes, and staying active until labor.
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I think I am smaller still, at least I feel smaller.
Protein intake this month: Decent, but could be better
How does body & knee feel? Better than last month :)
Book Currently reading: Continue to read positive birth stories at mamabirth.blogspot.com and birthwithoutfearblog.com
How does body & knee feel? Better than last month :)
Book Currently reading: Continue to read positive birth stories at mamabirth.blogspot.com and birthwithoutfearblog.com
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Special Place: LIB
When I first became a Christian, about 9 years ago I found this place called LIB that had a pond and tons of trails. I began going there, and truly got to know my God there. I would go before school some mornings and hike back into the trees and sit by the pond and worship and learn about my Lord. It was such an amazing place that I have always felt closest to my Lord.
Once Tim and I became friends I introduced him to this place and we spent a lot of time there getting to know each other, and praying for each other. After a few months Tim took me there and told me he felt the Lord was leading him into a relationship with me, and we began dating! Throughout our entire relationship LIB was a very special place to us. We would go there often to talk, praying, and spend time in God's creation. I love the memories LIB holds.
2 years ago when we were going to do my maternity photos with Gracelyn we decided to take them while visiting Rockford at LIB. It was awesome to take photos there, knowing the history this special place held.
It was such a blessing to get to take some photos at LIB 2 years ago and carry on how special this place is to Tim and I!
Last weekend we got the privilege to head back to LIB during a visit to Rockford with Aaron and Julie. We decided to snap a few more photos there, with Gracelyn to continue the memories that this place holds for us! Here are some photos we took :)
Tim's parents came and met us at LIB as well. Getting a family picture was rather difficult though because Gracelyn wanted to run around and play :) This is the best we got!
Gracelyn also got to spend some time with Grandma Kim this weekend since we had a wedding to go to :)
It was awesome to be at LIB and such a surreal moment to be there, walking the trails holding hands with Tim like we used to 8 years ago! This time we just had 2 sweet daughters with us :) Can't wait to go back and get another family picture after Avalyn is born!
I'll post the rest of the photos on Facebook :-)
Once Tim and I became friends I introduced him to this place and we spent a lot of time there getting to know each other, and praying for each other. After a few months Tim took me there and told me he felt the Lord was leading him into a relationship with me, and we began dating! Throughout our entire relationship LIB was a very special place to us. We would go there often to talk, praying, and spend time in God's creation. I love the memories LIB holds.
2 years ago when we were going to do my maternity photos with Gracelyn we decided to take them while visiting Rockford at LIB. It was awesome to take photos there, knowing the history this special place held.
Last weekend we got the privilege to head back to LIB during a visit to Rockford with Aaron and Julie. We decided to snap a few more photos there, with Gracelyn to continue the memories that this place holds for us! Here are some photos we took :)
Our best friends Aaron and Julie may be moving away very soon. They have been like an Aunt and Uncle to Gracelyn and I can't imagine Gracelyn's life without them. She loves them so very much. It will for sure be an adjustment for her if they leave.
We love you guys!
Tim's parents came and met us at LIB as well. Getting a family picture was rather difficult though because Gracelyn wanted to run around and play :) This is the best we got!
Gracelyn also got to spend some time with Grandma Kim this weekend since we had a wedding to go to :)
It was awesome to be at LIB and such a surreal moment to be there, walking the trails holding hands with Tim like we used to 8 years ago! This time we just had 2 sweet daughters with us :) Can't wait to go back and get another family picture after Avalyn is born!
I'll post the rest of the photos on Facebook :-)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Our Culture and Birth
My body was created to nourish my baby and grow my baby and develop my baby. My body was created for me to carry my baby, and deliver my baby. My body knows the perfect size for my baby, AND the perfect time to her to come. How amazing is that?! My body and my body know!
I have been thinking back on my pregnancy with Gracelyn. At 36 weeks I was miserable and wanted to be done. I was in pain, aching, and groaning. I didn’t treat my pregnancy or my body as something that was normal, but rather like the rest of society I treated it as a disability. I felt weak, tired, painful, swollen, and very sorry for myself. I wish someone would have grab ahold of my head, looked into my eyes and said, “You can do this. Your body was made to do this. Your baby knows the perfect time to come, and although it seems so far from now, but you WILL wish to be pregnant again at times, and these last few weeks should be cherished and honored, not hurried or rushed.” Sadly, I doubt I would have listened, because I had been listening to society my entire pregnancy telling me that I was fragile and disabled. I believed the lie. I did not trust my body or my baby. I was done.
I wish I would have known then what I know now, but when you know better, you do better. I wish that I had never agreed to an induction, which increased my chances for a c-section by 50%! I believe I gave into induction because it was “normal”, it was what everyone did, and I was never made aware of the real risks. I was done feeling broken and fragile, and I of course wanted to meet my baby. I had NO idea how that choice was going to impact my birth, my breastfeeding relationship, and my bond with my daughter. Birth is not just for an end result of a baby. Birth is so much more. I believe in birth, I believe it has an impact on breastfeeding and on bonding. I am sadden for woman, like myself, who did not get what they wanted in their birth, and instead just “went with the flow” rather than making their own choices, listening to their bodies, and their babies, and TRUSTING themselves. I know not every birth is perfect, and I do know that things can go wrong in my upcoming birth, but I finally trust my body, my baby and my instincts.
I wish I could have told myself 2 years ago, and every pregnant woman out there:
You are NOT DISABLED, you are stronger than you think, you are able. You are braver than you believe. You CAN do this; you CAN have the birth you want. It is NOT too late to start making choices for yourself, rather than only listening to what your doctor says. You are strong, able, and competent to birth your baby. PLEASE do not let society tell you otherwise!
“Just as a women’s heart knows how and when to pump, her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from fire, so she knows WHEN and HOW to give birth.”
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Bittersweet
Dear Sweet Elijah,
Today was your due date. Although I long to hold you in my arms and kiss on your sweet face, that will not come. Today is very bittersweet. If you had not left us so early, we would not be expecting Avalyn in 5 weeks. I long to meet my sweet Ava just as I long to one day meet you, sweet boy. Please know that you were just as wanted and longed for as your sisters. I cannot wait until the day where I can finally hold you in my arms for the first time. That day will not be today, and I am grieved that today I am not spent birthing you and meeting you, but I hold onto a hope. A hope to hold you, and a hold to see you. Please know that when the time comes next month to birth your sister, you will not be forgotten and you are forever in mama's heart. I love you sweet boy!
Love,
Your Mama
Today was your due date. Although I long to hold you in my arms and kiss on your sweet face, that will not come. Today is very bittersweet. If you had not left us so early, we would not be expecting Avalyn in 5 weeks. I long to meet my sweet Ava just as I long to one day meet you, sweet boy. Please know that you were just as wanted and longed for as your sisters. I cannot wait until the day where I can finally hold you in my arms for the first time. That day will not be today, and I am grieved that today I am not spent birthing you and meeting you, but I hold onto a hope. A hope to hold you, and a hold to see you. Please know that when the time comes next month to birth your sister, you will not be forgotten and you are forever in mama's heart. I love you sweet boy!
Love,
Your Mama
Friday, August 3, 2012
Birth Affirmations
Two posts in one day?! I know your mind.is.blown.
I thought I would make a post about some positive birth quotes and affirmations that I have written down for labor. I wrote some various quotes down on note cards to either read during labor, have read to me, or just to encourage me at the end of pregnancy. Feel free to add your favorites in the comments! I would love to add more to my list :-)
"3,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labor is hard work, and you can do it!"
"The power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me, because it is me"
"You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."
"Rain, after all is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain; unless we resist it, then it becomes torment."
"My body knows how to have this baby just as my body knew how to grow this baby."
"I do not fight the birth in any way. My body is totally relaxed. I am not afraid"
"My job is simply relax and allow birth to happen"
"Each contraction produces a healthy, positive pain that I can handle"
"I surrender to the contractions and I relinquish control of the forces within my body"
"I trust my instincts to know what I need in labor"
"Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers: strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength."
"The knowledge of how to give birth without outside interventions lies deep within each woman. Successful childbirth depends on an acceptance of this process."
"Birth is powerful, let it empower you."
"Just as a women's heart knows how and when to pump, her lungs to inhale, and her hand to pull back from fire, so she knows when and how to give birth."
"We have a secret in our culture. It's not that birth is painful, it's that woman are strong"
Psalm 43:4
"I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fear"
Deuteronomy 31:8
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed"
2 Cor 12:9
"My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!"
Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him"
Hebrews 10:35-36
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you (Avalyn)! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God: I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I bolded my favorites, what is your favorite? Put some in the comments :-)
I thought I would make a post about some positive birth quotes and affirmations that I have written down for labor. I wrote some various quotes down on note cards to either read during labor, have read to me, or just to encourage me at the end of pregnancy. Feel free to add your favorites in the comments! I would love to add more to my list :-)
"3,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labor is hard work, and you can do it!"
"The power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me, because it is me"
"You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."
"Rain, after all is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain; unless we resist it, then it becomes torment."
"My body knows how to have this baby just as my body knew how to grow this baby."
"I do not fight the birth in any way. My body is totally relaxed. I am not afraid"
"My job is simply relax and allow birth to happen"
"Each contraction produces a healthy, positive pain that I can handle"
"I surrender to the contractions and I relinquish control of the forces within my body"
"I trust my instincts to know what I need in labor"
"Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers: strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength."
"The knowledge of how to give birth without outside interventions lies deep within each woman. Successful childbirth depends on an acceptance of this process."
"Birth is powerful, let it empower you."
"Just as a women's heart knows how and when to pump, her lungs to inhale, and her hand to pull back from fire, so she knows when and how to give birth."
"We have a secret in our culture. It's not that birth is painful, it's that woman are strong"
Psalm 43:4
"I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fear"
Deuteronomy 31:8
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed"
2 Cor 12:9
"My grace is enough; it is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!"
Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him"
Hebrews 10:35-36
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you (Avalyn)! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God: I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I bolded my favorites, what is your favorite? Put some in the comments :-)
Peace for the Hormonal Wreck
I am sure my husband may disagree slightly with this first statement but, I don’t think I was very hormonal during my pregnancy with Gracelyn. I am sure there were some hormones that came out at random times but I never felt overly emotional. However, for the past month or so this seems to be proving untrue with Avalyn. I seem to have many more unexplainable hormones and on some days it has turned me into an emotional wreck. I think some of this has to do with having a lot more going on in life than I did during my pregnancy with Gracelyn. I have never had to work full time since Gracelyn has been born, and leaving her every day is turning me into a sobbing monster. When I am home, I seem to be completely overwhelmed with my part-time job, household chores, meals, cleaning, laundry, spending time with Tim and preparing to add another baby to our family.
I am pretty awesome at to do lists. I love making them, and usually feel awesome having it all written down for me to visually check off as I get things done. My to do lists now however are beyond overwhelming to me as my body is starting to wear down and I find it more and more difficult to peal myself off of the couch after work.
I don’t mean for this post to be one of complaints and sympathy. When I first began to feel overwhelmed, I started looking up anxiety/depression when pregnant. I didn’t find very much except that it will get worse after having a baby. GREAT.
I realized life is not going to slow down with 2 kids under 2. I need to learn to embrace life for what it is now, the to do lists and all! I need to cherish the last weeks with Gracelyn, and not allow my to do lists and anxiety rob me from enjoying who she is and how her life will be changed. I want to enjoy this time in my pregnancy, because I remember all too often how much I wanted to be pregnant again after Gracelyn’s birth. Pregnancy is hard. It takes a toll on your body, physically and emotionally. But pregnancy is a process in life to teach, to mold, and to develop me to be able to parent my daughters. Just as labor is hard, painful, and sometimes long, it shapes me, and prepares me for motherhood.
I am beyond blessed to be carrying another sweet baby. I am beyond blessed to have one of the cutest and funniest 20 month olds. I am beyond blessed that Tim was able to get a job, which has allowed me to cut down on my hours slightly. I am beyond blessed to have a husband who loves me, and hasn’t run away from his crazy pregnant hormonal wife. Although my to do list has not slimed down much, I have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on that seems to bring more comfort and peace than completing my to do list!
By the grace of God I will choose to enjoy the last weeks in this pregnancy, and the last weeks with my only daughter!
Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart exults and with my song I shall thank Him."
Thursday, July 26, 2012
{8 Months} ::Pregnancy Update::
How far along? 32 Weeks
Overall Emotion last month? Overwhelmed :( I have been struggling with anxiety a lot this past month. Not over the birth or anything, I am very excited about that. I am feeling overwhelmed to get to the birthing time with how much we have going on. I am working full time, and part time, and Tim is working 2 part time jobs and is just starting his full time job, and Gracelyn being 1 and a half......it has just begun to take a toll on me. I am as excited as ever for our birthing time, as it is quickly approaching! I also just found out I have low thyroid....which may be attributing to my anxiety feelings and high pulse.
Maternity clothes? Of course, some of my size small materinty clothes seem to be shrinking...so I am up the mediums!
Sleep: I am beyond exhausted ALL.THE.TIME (again, I think because of my low thyroid, I am abnormally tired), and I get up about 5 times a night.
Best moment this month: Yet again, seeing my midwife and having our monthly appointments, and seeing God provide various things needed for Avalyn.
Weight Gain: +15lbs
Movement: She is a hardcore mover and groover, much more than Gracelyn ever was! She pretty much lives in my ribs, which is not so fun.
.Food cravings: peanut butter as always
Anything making you queasy or sick: sometimes chicken if it isn't cooked right
Have you started to show yet: growing and growing more and more. I still think I am a lot smaller than I was with G at 8 months.
Wedding rings on or off? still on but getting tighter.
Looking forward to: My maternity/family pictures, going to Wisconsin for a friends wedding and staying at my parents cabin with our best friends, kid free!
One thing I did well this month? Made notecards with quotes and verses on them, protein intake, and stretches
One thing I can work on this month? My anxiety level, enjoying the time alone with G, instead of letting it stress me out, not eating junk food.
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I think smaller, and just a different shape for sure.
.Food cravings: peanut butter as always
Anything making you queasy or sick: sometimes chicken if it isn't cooked right
Have you started to show yet: growing and growing more and more. I still think I am a lot smaller than I was with G at 8 months.
Wedding rings on or off? still on but getting tighter.
Looking forward to: My maternity/family pictures, going to Wisconsin for a friends wedding and staying at my parents cabin with our best friends, kid free!
One thing I did well this month? Made notecards with quotes and verses on them, protein intake, and stretches
One thing I can work on this month? My anxiety level, enjoying the time alone with G, instead of letting it stress me out, not eating junk food.
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I think smaller, and just a different shape for sure.
Protein intake this month: Decent, but could be better
How does body & knee feel? Okay, not horrible but not great either.
Book Currently reading: Continued reading/watching positive birth stories, and reading Spirit-Led Parenting, which is a great book, I REALLY love this book!
How does body & knee feel? Okay, not horrible but not great either.
Book Currently reading: Continued reading/watching positive birth stories, and reading Spirit-Led Parenting, which is a great book, I REALLY love this book!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Day of the Unknown
I struggle with the unknown. I am sure it has a lot to do with my controlling personality but there is fear in the not knowing, not controlling. There is fear that stirs up in me when I do not know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I think at one time or another we all can relate in that fear.
Recently I have been struggling with this fear of the unknown yet again. The "planner" in me wants to know what is going to happen so I can be prepared, but if I am honest with myself, it is a control thing, it is a fear thing, it is a not trusting the One who knows what I need more than I know myself.
T has been looking for a job since he graduated in May. This is something that brings great anxiety for me, especially because he only has a few months to find one before we have another baby, and I stop working. I abhor not knowing where he is going to work, and if it will support our growing family. He had an interview last week that seemed everything promising. He was extremely confident in getting this job, and I began to rest assured that this was the answer for our future, but he got word that he did not get the job. We are back to searching and interviewing. When T first told me he didn't get the job, I was devastated. Questions filled my mind and I didn't understand. I knew it was a job he really wanted and would have been amazing at. My bigger devastation came however, in being back to a place of unknown, a place of fear.
As I was praying for our future, I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt God gently asking me, why? Why am I worried now? Do I trust Him less now than I did a year ago? Do I no longer believe that He holds my future? Do I no longer have my hope in Him alone? My God is sovereign, even when I "think" I know what is best for my future.
Today marks the day of the ultimate unknown in my life. A day that held so much fear and so much unknown. One year ago today God had been teaching me to Trust in Him in ways that make the unknowns of T's job seem minuscule. One year ago today was a day of limbo.
We just received word that my brother had stolen money from us and had gone missing. So many questions filled my mind, so much unknown was present, and extremely overwhelming. Where was he? Did he relapse? Did he overdose? Why was he not answering his phone? Was he alive or dead? Was yesterday the last time I will ever see him alive?
These questions filled my mind on this very day last year. The overwhelming unknowns were ever present. I could rest in my God and know that He knew. He knew where Austin was, he knew the answers to my inner most fears and questions. My God knew.
I can trust in the hope that my God holds my future. Even when outcomes do not seem to go as I would have planned or even hoped, my God knew, and my God has a much bigger perspective and a much bigger plan than I could ever imagine. Looking back on my brother's death, I am so grateful that God continues to teach me. I can trust him with my future, the unknowns and all! My God is a much better planner than I am, and I will choose to trust in His hope and His love, rather than my own.
One year ago today marks the day of unknown, and tomorrow will bring answers, even if they are not the answers we had hoped for.
My God is a sovereign God.
You can read about God's Story in Austin here.
Recently I have been struggling with this fear of the unknown yet again. The "planner" in me wants to know what is going to happen so I can be prepared, but if I am honest with myself, it is a control thing, it is a fear thing, it is a not trusting the One who knows what I need more than I know myself.
T has been looking for a job since he graduated in May. This is something that brings great anxiety for me, especially because he only has a few months to find one before we have another baby, and I stop working. I abhor not knowing where he is going to work, and if it will support our growing family. He had an interview last week that seemed everything promising. He was extremely confident in getting this job, and I began to rest assured that this was the answer for our future, but he got word that he did not get the job. We are back to searching and interviewing. When T first told me he didn't get the job, I was devastated. Questions filled my mind and I didn't understand. I knew it was a job he really wanted and would have been amazing at. My bigger devastation came however, in being back to a place of unknown, a place of fear.
As I was praying for our future, I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt God gently asking me, why? Why am I worried now? Do I trust Him less now than I did a year ago? Do I no longer believe that He holds my future? Do I no longer have my hope in Him alone? My God is sovereign, even when I "think" I know what is best for my future.
Today marks the day of the ultimate unknown in my life. A day that held so much fear and so much unknown. One year ago today God had been teaching me to Trust in Him in ways that make the unknowns of T's job seem minuscule. One year ago today was a day of limbo.
We just received word that my brother had stolen money from us and had gone missing. So many questions filled my mind, so much unknown was present, and extremely overwhelming. Where was he? Did he relapse? Did he overdose? Why was he not answering his phone? Was he alive or dead? Was yesterday the last time I will ever see him alive?
These questions filled my mind on this very day last year. The overwhelming unknowns were ever present. I could rest in my God and know that He knew. He knew where Austin was, he knew the answers to my inner most fears and questions. My God knew.
I can trust in the hope that my God holds my future. Even when outcomes do not seem to go as I would have planned or even hoped, my God knew, and my God has a much bigger perspective and a much bigger plan than I could ever imagine. Looking back on my brother's death, I am so grateful that God continues to teach me. I can trust him with my future, the unknowns and all! My God is a much better planner than I am, and I will choose to trust in His hope and His love, rather than my own.
One year ago today marks the day of unknown, and tomorrow will bring answers, even if they are not the answers we had hoped for.
My God is a sovereign God.
You can read about God's Story in Austin here.
Monday, July 2, 2012
{7 months} ::Pregnant Update::
How far along? 28 weeks 5 days
Overall Emotion last month? SHOCK. I can not believe how fast this pregnancy is going. With Gracelyn it felt like it went so slow, and I am sure that is because I didn't know what to expect, but it has FLOWN by!
Maternity clothes? Yes, I can still fit into some pre-pregnancy jeans with the ol' rubber band trick
Sleep: Doing well, I fall asleep in .2 seconds but of course get up about 5 times to pee
Best moment this month: Getting a few things for Avalyn's room like painting letters for her room (see below) and getting to feel her WAY more, she is much more active than Gracelyn was.
Weight Gain: +10lbs
Movement: Oh yes, she makes sure she is known in there. I don't remember feeling Gracelyn as much as I do Avalyn, I can feel her legs and grab ahold of them when she pushes out.
Food cravings: peanut butter...and junk food :-(
Anything making you queasy or sick: not really, getting pretty sick of Mexican type foods though.
Have you started to show yet: yes, I feel quite a bit bigger than last month.
Wedding rings on or off? still on and loose
Looking forward to: hanging things up in Ava's room, ordering some home birth supplies, and spending alone time with Gracelyn before she has a sister
One thing I did well this month? Focused on my birth plans, and prepared mentally for an amazing experience
One thing I can work on this month? Diet was not as good as last month, and I can feel it in my body when I don't eat as well. On the days I eat good, I don't even feel pregnant and could run a marathon!
Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: I would say about the same, maybe smaller, just for fun here is a photo of my belly 7 months pregnant with Gracelyn, what do you think??
Protein intake this month: Not terrible, but not as great as I can do, and as I did last month
How does body & knee feel? Like I said before, I feel great when I eat great, you would think that would teach me to eat great all the time, but sometimes a craving overtakes me...
Book Currently reading: Continued reading/watching positive birth stories, and reading Spirit-Led Parenting, which is a great book!
Here are the letters we painted for Avalyn's room:
Here are the letters we painted for Avalyn's room:
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