My Sweet Girl Gracelyn

Gracelyn Rose,

My sweet little girl, you are almost a year and a half. I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. You amaze me every day with the things you are learning and doing. You love to talk and chatter, even when no one knows what you are saying. Your squeal of joy makes me smile, and can turn any rough day into a beautiful moment. You love to color, do puzzles and read books. Most of my evenings are spent reading books and books to you, and helping you not to get too frustrated with your puzzles that you are so determined to complete.

 Every time I walk in the door from work, I hear your little feet pattering around to run into my arms. I always pick you up and give you hugs and kisses, and ask about your day. Without fail, every single time your first reaction to be is to sign eat. It doesn’t matter if daddy just fed you; you always need to be fed again by mama. I love holding you when you put your head down on my shoulder and grasp my arms like you never want to be let go. You are growing into such a beautiful and joyous little girl.

You have moments when you remind me of myself. Sometimes you get frustrated easily when you cannot do something. You tend to quit and get mad if you don’t understand something immediately.  I do the same thing sometimes, and it drives your daddy nuts! We will learn patience together my girl, and I will be gentle with you and help you to understand things that you may not get right away. You love to make people laugh. Once you get comfortable with someone you want to be the center of their attention. You are shy around new people, or people you have not seen regularly. You tend to grip onto mommy and not want to be put down. You eventually warm up, but I will be patient and gentle with you as you adapt to new people and new surroundings.

Change is coming in your future my sweet girl. In just a few short months you will have a baby sister. My love for you will not change or decrease when Avalyn comes. I promise to still be your loving mama who holds you when you are scared, and laughs with you when you are silly. Things may be different my girl, but my love will remain and continue to grow daily. We will embrace this change together as a family. I love you my sweet girl, and I am so proud to be your mama!

Love,

your mama <3

Planning a HBAC

I have thought about writing this post for about 6 months now. I have started it and erased it about 10 times and have struggled with deciding to share this or not. I had decided upon waiting until after Avalyn was born to share this to help keep the negative comments and feedback from filling my mind, but for some reason it all poured out today. I am going to be vulnerable and share this with you, I just ask that you please respect me and not judge me. (You don’t want to make a pregnant women cry, do you?)

We are choosing to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and you can read about that choice here, where I blogged about it before. The part I left out of that blog is that our VBAC birth is also going to be a home water birth.

As I have said before, I think there are risks with any choice you make regarding your birth. I love Mama Birth’s post on risk, read it here. You have to weigh the risks and benefits for yourself, and make an informed decision for you and your baby.  I can look into the same information as a friend and we may decide upon different paths for our birth experience, and THAT IS OKAY! Just because I may choose to birth in a specific location, does not mean that I believe every woman should do the same as me. We came upon the decision to have a homebirth for Avalyn long before she was ever conceived. I have been hesitant to share this with you all because just as you do not want to be judge for the birthing path you choose, neither do I. We have prayerfully come upon this decision and I have never been at more peace about it.

I am not choosing a homebirth because I think I am stronger or better than other mamas, or because I value the “birth experience” over my baby’s safety, I am choosing a homebirth for MY BABY and my body. I want an experience that will limit unnecessary interventions and allow my baby and my body to do what it was CREATED and DESIGNED to do. I do not believe pregnancy and birth is a medical emergency. I believe pregnancy and birth is as natural as it gets, perfectly designed by my Creator. I am thankful for medical interventions and hospitals for the times when an emergency arises, but I believe those emergencies are far and few between when there are no other interventions being done and the mama takes good care of herself.

I have been seeing an amazing midwife throughout my pregnancy and feel very peaceful about her 30 years of knowledge and experience. I have decided to do dual care for my pregnancy which means that I also see an OBGYN for prenatal appointments and checkups. I chose to do dual care because if there was a medical emergency I wanted to have a relationship and foundation with an OBGYN so that the hospital transfer would go smoothly and without unnecessary fears. I do not see an OBGYN because I in any way doubt my midwife’s ability to handle my birth. My OBGYN has been amazing and supportive of all my desires for this birth experience. We have discussed and planned for the unlikely event that a hospital transfer would be necessary, and the things I would want and not want done. She feels confident with our plan and has not has any negative feedback, or concerns.

I continue to see my midwife monthly along with seeing my OBGYN. I mostly check in with my OBGYN to continue the relationship and information flow, but consider my real appointments to be with my midwife. My prenatal appointments at done at my midwife’s house. It is such a different experience from the hard, cold, rushed feelings I felt with my prenatal appointments with Gracelyn. I am encouraged, uplifted, and at peace. The appointments are calm, informative and inspiring. My blood pressure is checked, my weight is check, and my urine is check. After all of the checking turns out perfectly, she feels Avalyn’s position, size and growth. She sits and talks with Tim and me about fears, concerns, issues, and excitement. She is patient and calm. She is understanding and supportive. She is everything I want in a provider for this birth. We are planning to have a home water birth with a very experienced and knowledgeable midwife. We want our close family and friends to be able to experience this joyous and peaceful time with us.

It is such a surreal feeling to walk around my house knowing that Avalyn will be brought peacefully into the world there. When labor time comes, there won’t be a need for packing, rushing, or speeding. We will feel calm and peace as I labor throughout my own home, in my own clothes, with the people that I choose to be there. There won’t be any big bright lights, fear, chaos, or stress. Avalyn will be welcomed into my arms with peace, joy, love and family. I can’t dream of a better birth for us!

{5 months} ::Pregnancy Update::

How far along? 20 weeks 5 days

Overall Emotion last month? my emotions change every minute but last month the most common one was thankful.

Maternity clothes? Yes, not all of the time, I can still fit into some pre-pregnancy jeans

Sleep: Sleeping well, I go to sleep each night at 8:30 (don't judge) and wake up at 5:45 am for work. I  am doing okay with sleepiness, but so ready for bed by 8pm

Best moment this month: moving into our new house and getting settled into it. I love knowing that we get to meet Avalyn here :) Also picked out some adorable new cloth diapers for her and tie dyed some matching onesies for Gracelyn and Avalyn.

Weight Gain: +3.5 lbs (but if you asked me 4 days ago it was +0....don't judge I may have binged one day last week

Movement: Yes, mostly at night when I am getting ready for bed. Still hurts when she kicks because it tears more adhesions. 

Food cravings: BANANA AND PEANUT BUTTER anything

Anything making you queasy or sick: chicken and eggs

Have you started to show yet: yes, its getting to the point now that a few strangers will ask, but still a bit of the awkward scared to ask me incase I just have a pudgy tummy ;) 

Wedding rings on or off? still on :) and still big

Looking forward to: Starting hypnobabies this month (have already been listen o affirmations daily) and seeing my midwife :) Oh, and Tim GRADUATES!!!

One thing I did well this month? Listened to affirmations daily, focused on relaxing during painful adhesions, took my prenatal everyday, bonded more with Avalyn :)

One thing I can work on this month? Protein intake,exercise, stretches 

Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: a tad smaller I think

Protein intake this month: Just got some protein powder, hope that helps

How does body & knee feel? body feels great when I eat great but....

Book Currently reading: Not been able to read much this month with moving and working.

ER Experience

It has been an interesting weekend.

Friday Gracelyn had been acting sick but

by Friday night her fever wasn't breaking with tylenol and it had reached to 104. We decided to called the Dr and he said if we couldn't get it down under 103 in a few hours then we needed to go into the Emergency Room. Thankfully we got her fever down with a cool bath and although she is still acting sick, she is doing much better!

We were supposed to be helping our friends move this weekend and packing for our move next weekend, but that just didn't seem in the cards for us.

Saturday morning I awoke to very painful cramping at around 4 a.m. At first I thought maybe I needed to go to the bathroom, but that didn't help at all. I tried different positions, laying down, having some water and taking a shower, nothing seemed to help and it was very painful. We were supposed to be leaving for our midwife appointment at 11am but it was becoming clear that I wouldn't be able to make the almost 2 hour drive to see her. I called and was told to head to the hospital to get monitored.

Gracelyn was still sick so Tim stayed home with her, and I somehow drove myself to the ER. When I arrived they refused to let me go up to LnD to get monitored because I wasn't 20 weeks yet. They made me stay in the ER. A nurse came in to ask me questions and hook me up to a IV to get some fluids, and I was in so much pain I was out of it. The nursed asked when I had tylenol last, and I told her I had not taken any because I wanted to wait until I knew what was going on.

I guess that wasn't clear enough and after she finished putting in my IV she said, "I gave you morphine to help with the pain". I was dying inside! I was so mad, and alone and in

pain. I couldn't believe she just gave that to me without asking me first. After waiting another hour and a half alone and drugged up, someone finally came in to give me a ultrasound. During the ultrasound I asked the tech what she could see, and she said that only the doctor could tell me and turned the screen away so that I couldn't see it. Which of course freaked me out, but I was too out of it to know what was going on.

I was brought back to my room where I was for another few hours alone, the Doctor finally popped his head in, only around the curtain, didn't even come into the room. He said that baby looked good on sono and my cervix was closed, so the nurse would be in with my discharge papers. When the nurse came in, I asked why I wasn't being monitored and she said that I wasn't 20 weeks so I couldn't be since my cervix was closed on the ultrasound. They sent me home., drugged and without answers.

This was such a frustrating trip and I was still in a lot of pain. I am so thankful for my midwife and I felt better after talking to her on the phone. She asked a lot of questions and finally suggested that maybe I had some adhesions from my c-section and sometimes they can be bad enough they cause a lot of pain. Usually people get adhesions with any abdominal surgery, but sometimes can be bad.

This sounded exactly like the pain I was experiencing, which was a tightening, and pulling sensation across my entire uterus, up above my belly button. I did some research after talking with her and I am convinced this is the issue. The only problem is that there isn't a way to fix it, and as my uterus continues to grow it will just stretch and rip apart. It shouldn't last the entire pregnancy but will still be there for a few more weeks.

Nothing seems to help, if I am completely still and don't move it is bearable, but any moving kills! Another weird part of this is when I awoke yesterday morning my "bump" which was a pretty good size is completely gone. Like gone, gone. I am assuming it is from the adhesion's tightening, once they rip I'm sure it'll return.

So in the mean time, I am going to just practice my relaxation techniques for labor and try to take it easy. Which is much easier to say than do since we have a lot of packing left to do, and we are moving in 5 days.

Prayers will be appreciated.

In case you are curious, this is what an adhesions looks like. All the cob webby looking things are the adhesions that should not be there, and will rip as uterus grows.

{4 Months} ::Pregnancy Update::

(I'll have to update with a photo later)

How far along? 17 weeks

Overall Emotion last month? stressed

Maternity clothes? Yes, not all of the time, I can squeeze into some regular clothes...barely

Sleep: Still pretty tired, but sleeping well

Best moment this month: Finding out that we are having a girl

Weight Gain: -1lb lost

Movement: Yup, especially on ultrasound day she was moving like crazy

Food cravings: Reeses eggs, fruit, peas, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches

Anything making you queasy or sick: chicken and eggs

Have you started to show yet: yup! and just yesterday I started to notice my belly button changing and my tummy getting much harder

Wedding rings on or off? still on :) and still big

Looking forward to: finishing moving and getting some new diapers for Ava

One thing I did well this month? Focused on my posture

One thing I can work on this month? Still have not started working out again, and I still need work on my protein

Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: About the same

Protein intake this month: still struggling but better than last month

How does body & knee feel? still not great :(

Book Currently reading: Still reading Thinking Women's Guide to a Better Birth, and still haunt finished it, I didn't get to do much any reading this last month

Avalyn Ann

We are having a girl!

We found out last week that Gracelyn is going to have a little sister. We found out a little early and we are just so excited.

We have a lot of friends that do not find out the gender until baby is born, and I see the joy in the surprise but from age 2 I have always hated surprises and this is no different. I didn’t have a preference on either gender, but I am just way too antsy to wait until my baby’s birthday to find out. I see joy and excitement in both options, and would never want to pressure someone else to find out early as we chose to do. I think it is an individual couple choice, and shouldn’t be judged either way.

We are so excited to have another sweet little girl, and I am so looking forward to Gracelyn and her little sister being best friends. I always wanted to have a sister, so I am to give Gracelyn one.
We had been thinking about names since the moment we found out we were pregnant. Well, I was creating lists, and Tim was going through them. Tim doesn’t really come up with any names, but he sure knows what he likes and doesn’t like. We had a few options for both boy and girl but it wasn’t until right before our ultrasound before we finally decided on the name Avalyn Ann. Avalyn means beautiful breathe of life and when we heard that meaning we fell in love with the name. The pain and loss we have experienced with both deaths of my brother and our sweet Elijah, we wanted a name that fit how we felt about our sweet baby. This meaning was perfect, and so was the name! We decided on the middle name “Ann” after 3 very special people in our life: my sweet m other Ann, our best friend Julie Ann, and Tim’s Grandma June Ann.
I have been feeling very excited and at peace about our upcoming birth day. I feel as though I am bonding more with sweet Avalyn, especially knowing that she is a girl now. I am thrilled about our midwife choice, and feel so blessed to get to see her monthly as we prepare for our sweet girl’s arrival.

We are moving next weekend and although it is stressful to move and pack, I am so excited to be in a new home, with more space, and knowing that that is where my sweet Ava will be brought into the world. I will cherish my time there with just Gracelyn, but I do look forward to both girls making memories there. In addition to moving, I started working full-time. Tim is very close to graduating in May but until then, I had to go back to work for our family, in hopes that Tim will find something quickly after graduation. So like always, life has been crazy busy and a new adjustment. I do plan to my 4 month pregnancy update, as I seem to be late on that.

Gender Quizzes

Have fun guessing Baby #2's gender with us! These are all the "test" we did, what is your guess? Remember, these tests are just for fun, and prove nothing, obviously....

Ring and String: Girl

Sweet or Sour Cravings: Sweet/Girl

Chinese Gender Calendar: Girl

Even & Odd Test: Boy

Morning Sickness: A lot/Girl

Acne: Little bit/Boy

Older Child's Hairline: Straight/Girl

Cabbage Test: Boy

Carrying Low/High: Lower/Boy-ish

Place your guess now, and wait to find out if you were right or not, TONIGHT!