Words Can Hurt

I don't think we really understand as a culture how to handle miscarriage and infertility sometimes. The pain behind both of these horrible things is unbearable. Although I have never had to deal with infertility, I have many close friends who have, and it can be devastating. I do know the pain of miscarriage and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I am thankful to be pregnant again and praise God for this blessing, but the pain of loss still hurts.

Sometimes our words others hurt during infertility and miscarriage. I don't think very often we realize how damaging our words can be to someone who is struggling with these things. During my miscarriage I was blessed to have amazing support and love from so many people, but lets be honest, it's awkward. I felt awkward because I felt like people didn't know what to say, or if they should say anything. I felt awkward because although I received so much love and support through email and Facebook, when face to face with someone it got weird. People don't seem to know how to handle a miscarriage sometimes, and for every person it is different. Some people want to talk about it, some people want to keep it to themselves, and both are okay. Either way, it was still a life that was lost.

I want to share 2 lists I found of things NOT to say to someone who has miscarriage or is experiencing infertility. Although your intentions are good, it hurts.

Try to avoid these phrase when talking to someone who had a miscarriage:

1. People miscarry all the time. -How does that make my pain any less. That is like saying people parents die all the time, get over it.

2.At least you can get pregnant. -I don't want to get pregnant, I want to have a baby

3. Don't think of it as a miscarriage, just a late period. -I lost my baby, a baby I will never meet, it was a miscarriage, it was a loss, NOT a late period.

4. You can have another -Maybe I can have another, you don't know that, even if I do, I want this baby, I lost this baby.

5.Be grateful for the children you have. -I am but I still need to mourn the one I lost

Again, I have not dealt with infertility personally but from hearing from friends who have, I can't imagine the pain. It seems like everyone around them is getting pregnant and having babies and all they want is the same. Infertility is a daily battle and struggle and sometimes we must watch our words. You may not even know someone is trying and struggling with infertility, so be careful what you say to anyone.

Try to avoid saying these things to someone struggling with infertility:

1. Don't complain about your pregnancy, although you may just be venting to a friend, you don't know what that person is struggling with and may want to give everything and anything to feel morning sickness.

2. Enjoy time with your husband, you don't need a baby right now. -Just because some people have a desire to get pregnant right away, and you didn't doesn't mean that they shouldn't. God has the perfect timing and they are trying to remember that, but telling them to "wait" isn't helping.

3. You are still young, it'll happen. -Although this maybe true, you don't know if they will get pregnant and for them, every month feels like eternity when you continue to get a negative sign on a pregnancy test.

4. Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen.Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts

5.Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement. The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.

Try to be sensitive, understanding that miscarriage and infertility are extremely painful. Pray for your friends that have dealt with or are dealing with these issues. Be a supported and try to understand but choose your words wisely and be sensitive.

Great resource and support for miscarriage here

Planning a VBAC

A few people have asked me and others may just assume. Am I going to have another c-section?

Often times choosing a repeat c-sections seems to be a popular choice. I do think that there are other options however.

I will not be choosing to have another c-section. I plan to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and plan to make choices that will lead to a successful birthing time.

One of the biggest reasons women choose not to have a VBAC is the risk for uterine rupture. If a doctor told you that you have a higher chance of having your uterus rupture, most likely killing both you and your baby, it sounds pretty good to just go for a repeat c-section. I believe if you take a look at the hard facts, and sometimes the motivating reasons for why doctors say this, you may decide differently.

Obstetrics and Gynecology released this 10 year population study of uterine rupture in October 2002. Out of 114,933 deliveries and there was 18 of those that had a complete uterine rupture, zero of those resulting in the mother dying, and only 2 of those 114,933 resulted in death of the baby due to uterine rupture, one of them the mother had not even had a pervious c-section.

Risk. There are risks with either choice. The risk for a repeat c-section is infection, adhesions, hysterectomy, postpartum hemorrhage, and placenta abnormalities. You are limited in the amount of children you can having when having a c-section, most providers will max you out at 3, some will say 4, some will even say 2. Also, babies born by c-section are 3 times more likely to develop complications after birth.

You must choose what you feel has the lowest risk. Look at all the information and make a decision that is best for you and your family. These are our choices, I have no judgement for those who make different choices than mine, this is what is best for our family.

We will choose to have a vaginal birth. We will not use any form of induction because it can increase your risk of uterine rupture. (so when it gets to be September, please don't ask when baby is coming, because I will have no clue) We will not use any medications or drugs (including an epidural) because it can slow down labor, which most often times will need to be assisted by the use of pitocin which can increase risk of uterine rupture. We will not be having any unnecessary interventions from the hospital and we will be careful watching my diet, exercise, and chiropractic care to ensure my body is in the best shape, and that baby is in the best position. I do not want to be limit in the amount of child I can have. Uterine rupture is very very uncommon. When it does occur, most often times there is little damage, sometimes the tear is so small that it goes unnoticed for years.

I share this with you because I do believe that VBAC is possible, and I do believe there are options. Look into your options within childbirth, not just for VBAC, and make decisions that are best for you and your family. Doctors are not God, they do not always know all, that is why different doctors have different opinions. Don't just take your doctors word for it, look it up, look at the facts for yourself, then make a decision.

More Articles to Read

-Uterine Rupture in VBAC

-ACOG stance on VBAC

-More VBAC info according to ACOG

Inductions & Birth

Birth can be a vert sacred thing, and a personally experience. I have been hesitant to write this post because I do not want to offend anyone, or bring guilt to anyone. I simply want to share my story, and a bit about my beliefs on birth. You don't have to continue reading. Really, you can stop here if you want, and I won't be hurt.

I want to start by sharing a bit about Gracelyn's birth. I got induced with a drug that was never approved by the FDA to even use in pregnant women to start labor. The drug is called cytotec and is used to treat stomach ulcers. The manufactures of cytotec DO NOT recommend its use to induce labor. One of the greatest risks of this drug for women in labor is that it can cause the uterus to hyper-stimulate, which basically means one constant contraction that hardly releases and lets up. After having 3 doses of this drug, and then receiving pitocin, I of course hyper-stimulated and had severe constant contractions for most of my 36 hour labor. THIS is the reason that Gracelyn's heart rate went downhill. THIS is the reason that led to my c-section. A baby that is put under the pressure of a constant contraction, of course would go into distress if it was not delivered soon enough.

I was told I was 40 weeks when I got induced, after my due date had been changed a few times. Sadly, when Gracelyn was born the pediatrician said that she was actually only 37 weeks, BARELY not being considered a premie. THIS is why my body did not tolerant an induction. I was NOT ready, my body was NOT ready, and Gracelyn was NOT ready. Sad to say but this happens often.

I wanted to share this because so often we look at a situation like mine and think, "well, thank God she was in a hospital and could have a c-section to save Gracelyn." I agree, the c-section did save Gracelyn, BUT it was ONLY necessary because I chose interventions that led directly into a c-section. Now, I do not think every induction will lead to a c-section, but I do think in this country we induce WAY too often, and for reasons that are NOT medically necessary. I do think there are times that induction can save a women's life and the life of the baby. But in a healthy pregnant mama, induction is GREATLY overused.

I want to be clear that I do not, nor will I ever judge another women for their birth experience. I want to educate, and help women who want something besides the typical hospital, medicated, intervention-filled, birth. Some women don't. Some women have no issue with their birth that was medicated and went fine. THIS IS FINE WITH ME. I am just here in hopes to educate women who want something different. Birth can be an amazing experience, one that empowers, one that enlightens, and one that you can look back on and cry tears of joy. I want this for every women. I know that the more interventions that you have (including epidurals and medication), the more likely you are to need a c-section and end up with a birth experience that you may regret.

This is my passion for becoming a birth doula. This is my passion for birth. I believe God created women's bodies to birth. I believe God designed our bodies to know what to do during birth. I believe that doctors can help during issues that can sometimes arise during birth, but MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I believe women can deliver their babies.

I am so thankful for my birth with Gracelyn and the mistakes I made because it did teach me so much, and made me so passionate. But this next birth, won't be anything like it ;)

I plan to post more about my plans for our upcoming birth, but am still praying about exactly what parts to share!

{2 months} ::pregnancy update::

How far along? 8 weeks 5 days

Overall Emotion last month? peaceful

Maternity clothes? Nope, just longer shirts and stretchy pants

Sleep: Hard to get comfortable, some nights are good, some are terrible

Best moment this week: Meeting my midwife, and getting together with other expecting couples

Movement: Not yet

Food cravings: Carbs since I feel sick (but it isn't helping my body feel better since its gluten)

Anything making you queasy or sick: some meat, vegetables :/

Have you started to show yet: sorta, I show early since my uterus is tilted forward

Wedding rings on or off? on! thankfully I lost 20lbs right before getting pregnant, so my wedding ring was big. I hope to wear it till the end :)

Looking forward to: Digging out my maternity clothes, and to start feeling less sick

One thing I did well this month? Taking my vitamins, and preparing details for birth

One thing I can work on this month? What I eat. Some days I feel fine and eat very good, but others I just don't eat enough, and what I do eat isn't very nutritious.

Bigger/Smaller than last pregnancy: bigger

Protein intake this month: Not as good as I would like since I am having a hard time eating other than crackers and carbs

How does body & knee feel? I can tell a big difference on the days that I eat well, and the days I don't, my body and my knee feel awful when I don't eat very well.

Book Currently reading: Just finished Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and starting up Thinking Women's Guide to a Better Birth

Sacred

Sometimes I struggle being a mom. I may not do things exactly like other moms, and the constant judgement I feel sometimes can break my heart. Sometimes I think I may be in over my head. I only have one child and feel overwhelmed at times, it makes me terrified to think about what it will be like with 2 under 2 years old. My friend Casey is one of the most wonderful moms I know. She is 2 kids, and is about to have 3 under 2.5 years old. I admire how she is with her kids, and when I feel overwhelmed sometimes I think of how wonderful she does, even if she doesn't think she does. I am so often inspired by her.

I was driving in the car a few days ago with a screaming child in the back seat and to try to calm her I put in the only CD in my car I could find. I love Caedmon's Call, and used to listen to them all the time, but I haven't in a while. I popped in the CD and a song called "Sacred" came on. Such a wonderful son

g to listen to as a mom. My favorite line says, "teach me to run to You, like they run to me for every little thing". I thought I would share it with you, along with a picture of our newest addition! Here is the link to open in a new tab to listen to the song http://youtu.be/X0ZwR0tD1R8

Sacred

this house is a good mess

it's the proof of life

no way would I trade jobs

but it don't pay overtime

I'll get to the laundry

I don't know when

I'm saying a prayer tonight

cause tomorrow it s

tarts again

could it be that everything is sacred?

and all this time everything I've dreamed of

has been right before my eyes

the children are sleeping

but they're running through my mind

the sun makes them happy

and the music makes them unwind

my cup runneth over

and I worry about the stain

teach me to run to You

like they run to me for every little thing

when I forget to drink from you

I can feel the banks harden

Lord, make me like a stream

to feed the garden

wake up, little sleeper the Lord, God Almighty

made your Mama keeper

so rise and shine rise and shine

cause everything is sacred

and all this time

everything I've dreamed of

has been right before

my eyes