Diary of a Dying Man

One week before Austin's death he wrote a journal entry. Austin hadn't journaled much, in fact this was his first and only entry in this journal. On this night, Tim & Aaron were talking with Austin outside and Austin began to tell them how unworthy he felt to even talk to God. Tim told Austin he should try to journal out his prayers. So later that night, Austin did just that.

Now, before I begin, I want to make extremely clear that I in no way want to ignore or overlook Austin's privacy in sharing his journal entry, however, after many conversations with Austin about what he wanted his life to mean, I know he would want me to share this to uplift, encourage, and comfort some of you. Austin told me many times that I could blog about his life because he truly wanted to help people. He wanted his story to make a impact on someones life. Little did he know how great of an impact he life is making now.

Here is his journal entry, I will post what it says underneath so you can read it better.

June 23, 2011

"God,

I know we haven't done this like this before so to begin, I ask that you can please help me to open myself up to you. I feel lost and forgotten, not just to you but to everyone. I feel like a big let down to everyone; like my life is just here to bother and test others. I need you now, I need your love and strength. I need to feel you and I wish to know you. I know that I have not allowed this before, but if you are the God I hear about, that you will be here for me now that I am willing and open to feel your love, your touch, your strength, your wisdom. If you could just reveal yourself to me, I believe I can be the person you made me to be. I feel like you don't think I am ready to know you. I fear that you don't think it is time for me to be done with this pain...like you need me to experience more hardships, but I don't have the strength to go back out alone. I will die if I don't find you now. It is not that I fear death, because I don't. To me it sounds like a release, but I fear that I will stay here and just hurt more people. I have too much guilt for the pain I have caused and I cannot hurt people anymore. In order to survive, the guilt will kill me. I need you God; I need you to help me to be the good person that I know I can be. I need to help others in order to fill this hole I have and to quench the guilt. Please forgive me and show me your light. Also, and most importantly help me to not give up while I am trying to find you. I need only enough to keep on going. If I don't find you now, I fear it will never happen. Thou will be done, not my own. Please help me to understand what your will is, so that I may fulfill it. I love you, at least the idea of you. If you are not there to help me, please show me my path or at least where to turn in order to stay on the path to you."

Austin Roberts

I would also like to add to the story of what we know about Austin's death. After an investigation from detectives, they believe what happened that night was that Austin went to Springfield to get drugs. There showed no signs of a planned suicide. Although the coroner has not ruled Austin's death yet, the detectives believe that it was an accidental overdose. Although no one will truly know what fully happened that night and where Austin's heart was at, I am blessed to get a glimpse into a conversation he had with God just a week before his death. I pray that you would be encouraged to pour your heart out to God as well. Sometimes our prayers are not perfect, or pretty, because sometimes our lives are not perfect and pretty. Don't be afraid to pour out to God how you truly feel. He knows it anyway!

A choice to make

It has been a very long week. Yesterday was the day of my brother Austin's funeral. In some ways I always kind of knew I would be there one day, but yet, I still seem to remain in such shock. It seriously blessed my heart so deeply to see the love and support of our friends and family, but it was very hard to see you all hurt as well.

Nothing about yesterday was easy, but yet God still showed up in amazing ways. I am so glad that God is using this blog to bring comfort and peace to some of you, but I want you all to know, this is the story God wrote, I am just relaying the message. I once again was taken aback by so many of you who were touched and encouraged by the story and life of Austin.

I have been struggling this week with keeping the reality of his death. I know he is gone. I know I will never see him again. I know he wont walk down my stairs holding Gracie. I know he wont sit in the stupid recliner in my living room playing video games. I know he wont call to ask me to pick him up from his sponsor's house. I know this, yet I am still struggling. As the shock slowly begins to fade, the realization of all of this is coming through. I find myself slipping out of reality. I can't seem to wrap my mind around Austin being dead. Most times I just feel like he is at rehab or back in Rockford.

My mind slowly begins to allow the reality to come back and this is when it hurts the most. Although I know he is gone, it isn't until I allow it into my reality that it truly hurts. And it isn't until I allow myself to experience this hurt that I can truly heal.

Who wants to feel pain though? It is so much easier to cope with pain by not thinking about it, covering it up with substances, or just allowing anger to build inside. I think a lot of times when tragedy strikes, I always tend to find it easier to deal with when I act like everything is okay.

I find it interesting to watch people during a tragedy and witness the different types of coping mechanisms. There is the person who is angry, the person who ignores it, the person who tries to make light of the situation by making jokes, the person who overreacts, and I am sure many more. We all deal with grief and pain differently. I know that without the Comfort of my God, I would tuck it all way down inside and try to ignore it, until it eats me alive.

I am amazed at how God has been carrying me through this past week. Now that we are back home, and things are about to get "back to normal", I think this is when it is going to be the toughest for me. Then funeral plans are over, the cards stop, the family is 2 hours away, Tim goes back to work, and it is just Gracie and I, alone. This is the point at which I can make a choice. A choice on how I am going to cope with the sadness, fear and pain. I can choose to tuck it away, I can choose to ignore it, or I can grab hold of this pain and hand it over to my God, and ask Him to carry me through, moment by moment.

How amazing is Our God?!

When Austin was living with us, (you can read about other posts here and here) we were working on Step 3 in the AA program. This step is this: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him." This step was difficult for Austin because he continued to say that he did not understand how to surrender to God. Austin was in such pain and agony and he continued to say that he didn't know how to do it. We read Psalm 25 together a lot, and it truly spoke to Austin. I will copy this Psalm for you to also read, and maybe it will help you to turn your life over to God, and surrender.

Psalm 24: 4-21

4 Show me your ways, LORD,

teach me your paths.

⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you, LORD, are good.

⁸ Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

⁹ He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

¹⁰ All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.

¹¹ For the sake of your name, LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹² Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?

He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.^[b]

¹³ They will spend their days in prosperity,

and their descendants will inherit the land.

¹⁴ The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

¹⁷ Relieve the troubles of my heart

and free me from my anguish.

¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

¹⁹ See how numerous are my enemies

and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;

do not let me be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope, LORD, is in you.

I have been in such awe of how God has already been working through this horrific event. I truly wish I could sit down with every single one of you who are reading this and share with you all the emails I have received and all the words people have shared. I have received words of love, prayer and encouragement. What dropped me to my knees this morning were all the emails I have received from some of you. I am blown away by how God is already using Austin's story to change your faith, and ultimately draw you closer to Him. He is doing just the same in me as well.

How truly astonishing that the Creator of the world, Father of Austin, would use this situation and bring goodness from it. Not that in anyway God caused this situation to happen, because that would be false. Sin has entered the world and because of that sin, we are separated from God, and it is also because of that sin that we see the pain, hurt, and death in this world. But please, have hope dear reader, that it is because of the love of our Father, that He sent His only Son to die a death that we deserved, so that He could be in relationship with us. I can only begin to imagine the sacrifice that was.

It is also because of His love and His goodness that He took this horrific situation with Austin, and turned it for His Glory. I have received word from some of you that God has used this testimony of Austin's life to rejuvenate your faith, and draw you into a deeper surrender to our Lord. Others of you, I have received emails from you that God has used Austin's testimony to reconnect Himself with you, after guilt, shame and fear has drawn you away. And from even more of you, I have been reading that God has used, in just this short amount of time, Austin's story to connect you with a God that you never knew before. HOW AMAZING IS OUR GOD!?

I woke up this morning to another email from one of you, and again it just floored me. I could do nothing than to drop to my knees in praise to my Father for how He is working.

Thank you all so very much for sharing with me how God is working in your life through this situation. Please continue to share, it is truly blessing my soul.

God's story in Austin

The last blog I posted was about my brother Austin, you can read it here to get an update on his stay living with us.

Austin lived with us for a month, he had struggles but I have never seen more miracles in my life than I did during this last month. We would stay up late most nights just talking about God, Christ, and how much He loved Austin. It was so amazing to see how much God worked in Austin's heart over this last month. In the beginning of his stay with us Austin began to acknowledged a Higher Power, but by the end of the month, we were sharing about Christ again and read in 1 John 5 with him. It looked like a light bulb went off in his head, and he said, "I can understand this now."

Austin never prayed a prayer of salvation that night, but I know how faithful my God is, and I KNOW that he spared Austin's life during SO many other suicide attempts so that Austin could have that month to know and understand God, and he did.

Saturday night was our best friends wedding. Tim & I & Gracie were all apart of the wedding party. My parents came down and attended the wedding with my brother. At the reception right before Austin left, I grabbed Gracelyn from him and told him I loved him and good bye. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Sunday afternoon we realized some money missing from our account and saw it got transferred into Austins account in the middle of the night. We began our search for him. The police tracked his phone to Springfield, IL so Monday morning (4th of July) my parents headed back down from Rockford to go with us to search for Austin.

We took 2 separate cars so that we would be able to cover more ground. Tim & I drove around, and spotted his car. Tim ran over and found him passed away. I will forever be grateful that Tim held me so that I would not see my brother in this way. I will never forget the screams I heard from my mom, or the look I witnessed on my dad's face.

As horrifying as this day was, I can still see God's hand in the story. Sparing his life so many other times just until Austin would have the opportunity to hear and learn about God. I am in such awe of my God and so thankful for the opportunity.

As I sat in the detectives office he was interviewing me about my relationship with my brother. I began to pour out the story of how God worked and what He did to spare Austin life during other attempts just so he would know Him. I told him about God and how much he did during Austin's stay with us. The detective looked at me with tears in his eyes, shut the recorder off, and said, "In my line of work, I struggle everyday with how there could be a God with how much hurt and pain there is in the world. But listening to you, I truly believe what you are saying, and how God worked."

God is going to take this horrible tragic event, and turn it for His goodness and His glory. What an AMAZING God we serve!!

So now, in my pain and tears, I choose to have God bring me down the journey of grief, because I do not want to do it on my own. May God receive ALL Glory.

Dearest Gracelyn

Dear Gracelyn,

I would never wanted to have to write this letter to you, but it looks like the day has come. You were truly the apple of your uncle’s eye. I know so many times that uncle Austin was hurting, and he looked at you and it help take the pain away. I remember when we would visit uncle Austin in rehab, he would count down the days until every Sunday because that meant he got to see you, hold you, and love on you. And he did, every Sunday. He would rip you out of our arms and carry you up and down the halls showing you off to everyone. He was SO proud to be your uncle.

When we let Uncle Austin live with us, I know you changed his world. I have never seen him happier than when he was playing with you.

My heart has such pain thinking about your future, and knowing that you will never remember your uncle Austin. I just want you to know how much you meant to him, and how completely in love he was with you.

He loved his Kramer. Because you have such crazy hair, he gave you the nickname “Kramer”. He loved calling you that, but more importantly he loved you. After a day working on the farm or at a meeting, he would come back to our house and just say how much he missed you that day. He would always come home and say that no matter how much time he was gone for that day, he couldn't help from missing you so much.

Uncle Austin had such a big heart. One that was filled with love not only for you, but for the people in his life. I am so truly sorry my sweet baby girl, that you will never remember your uncle, but I pray that when you grow up, you will read this letter and get just a small glimpse of how much he truly cared for you.

I love you sweet baby girl,

Your Mommy