So much has happened in the two years since he has been gone. Some days its hard to believe it's been two years already and other days it feels like it's dragged on. For me the hardest part is knowing he never got to meet his nephew, or even know he exists. He never got to see his niece walk, or talk, or be a goofy little toddler. I am sad for all that he has missed but joyed to know he is no longer suffering.
People talk about bittersweet moments but this is truly the ultimate bittersweet for me. I am sad for us that are still here missing him, I am sad for my kids, and I am most of all sad for my parents. I only have a slight glimpse into what they feel through my miscarriage and it feels unbearable to imagine knowing one of my babies for 24 years and letting them go.
He has missed a lot. Over the past two years we have moved 3 times, one of which was cross country. We have welcomed another baby. We have started new jobs and joined a new church. So many life changes has happened over the past two years and he missed all of it. He missed the family gatherings, and the holidays and the laughter, and the love. He missed how much my parents have learned and grown in their passion to help others who struggle with addiction and mental illness.
Although he has missed so much good, he is also spared from the pain and sorrow he was living with. I don't know what life would have looked like for Austin after he came to know God just before his death. I don't know if his pain would be gone and his struggles would have eased. I don't know if the suicide attempts would have stopped or if he would have done amazing things for the kingdom of God. I don't know. I do know that my God is a sovereign God. I do know that my God's love and mercy was abounding during the month before Austin died. I know that Austin now has every tear wiped away and ever pain has gone away (Revelation 21:4). I know that Austin is no longer consumed by this world or the things in it but rather consumed by God. I know that Austin can now stand with Christ in heaven and that is all I need to know.
Today marks two years since I last saw his smile and said goodbye. Although I did not know that this day was goodbye, I will always remember the look in your eyes when you handed your baby niece back to me. Did you know? Did you know it would be the last time you saw us? Did you know what the events the next days would bring? I hope not. I hope that you were gone before you realized what was happening. I hope you were gone before you realized that sitting in your car alone with the burdens of the world on your shoulders was how you were going to leave this world. You carried so much shame, Austin, and I hope that during your final hours that you did not feel that shame but rather released it to the one who bore your sin and died so that you may have everlasting life.
We miss you Austin. One thing I know is true, through all the ups and downs over the past two years, God has continued to remind me of His faithfulness through your life and through your death. During the trials of my life, and when I am living for myself not not seeking Him, God continues to gently remind me of the weeks with you where He was ever so present and He was ever so faithful! Although we miss you even more on these days, I am thankful for the reminder of who God is and what He continues to do even when I am not faithful to Him.
