A different kind of Love.

Gracelyn turned 3 weeks old yesterday! I cannot believe how fast the weeks are going.

I do not think I have ever learned more in 3 weeks than I have the last 3 weeks. Not just on how to be a mother but how to be a better wife.

It is our 3 year wedding anniversary today! I did not think it was possible to love my husband more than I did when we got married 3 years ago. Every year I say that. I look back on the year we had together and always find that I love my husband more and more.

This year seems way different.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so concerned that it would pull us apart. Tim didn't seem very "into" the pregnancy or the fact that he was going to be a dad during the pregnancy. It didn't seem real to him. This concerned me a lot when I was pregnant because I worried that the sleepless nights, crying baby, and poopy diapers would stress us both out so much that it would put a wedge between us.

Now, I am not saying that we are perfect or that this couldn't happen sometime but the past 3 weeks I have seen a completely different side of Tim. I didn't think it was possible to be bursting at the seams with love and adoration for him.

I watch him with Gracie and it makes me tear up to see how much he loves her. He has amazed me with how hard he has worked in helping me, supporting me and loving me. I am truly humbled by this man and so blessed by his love.

Instead of the sleepless nights pulling us apart, we lie awake making each other laugh at the dumbest things that only sleep deprived people would get. Instead of the crying baby stressing him out, he always seems to find a way to make her stop crying and loves doing so. Instead of the poopy diapers creeping him out, he wakes up with me many times a night while I am nursing to make sure he is the one to get up and change her.

Although the last 3 years with my beloved husband have been truly amazing, the last 3 weeks I have fallen into a new kind of love for him. A love that I only feel because of the gift of Grace the Lord has given us; our sweet baby girl!

Happy 3rd Anniversary to my husband, my best friend, and the daddy to our baby!

Birth Story

This is the story of Gracelyn's birth....

I went in for my induction on Sunday night. I was feeling excited and at peace about my decision at this time. Tim & I got into the car and started driving to the hospital. It was quite surreal. I remember saying over and over to him, "I don't feel like this is happening." I even told him that I just had a feeling that we weren't going to actual birth Gracelyn. Strangely, I was still at peace about going in.

We got the the hospital and got settled into our room, which by the way was HUGE! The nurse inserted the first dose of medication at 1 am to help to dilate me further before we started pitocin in the morning. We slept for a couple of hours and then I woke with contractions around 4 am. They were pretty painful and peaked every 1 minute. They never had time to go down before the next one started and so my uterus started hyper-stimulating. They checked me at 9 am and said that despite the crazy contractions, I still had not dilated any further. They let me contract until about 1pm and they decided that although the contractions were very often (too often) they were still not dilating me. I tried different positions, walking the halls and using my birthing ball to help. I still remained at a 1. We made the decision to start pitocin to try to regulate the contractions I was having and hopes to space them out some.

About an hour on pitocin, I started having SEVERE back labor. I tried many different positions to try to ease the pain. Tim was AMAZING. He heated up a rice sock and wrapped it around my back to try to help the pain. I got on all fours on the bed and he put counter pressure on my back. I remember being up on the bed on all fours in a completely different world. The nurses had come in to talk to me but I was unaware of it all. I was in such pain that in order to make it through, I had to go somewhere else in my mind. What made the pain so bad was they my uterus was continuing to hyper-stimuate so my contractions never went down, they stayed peaked the whole time.

My midwife came in that evening to check me and although I was in such agony, I was excited to see how far I had progressed.

NOTHING. I was still at a 1. I remember thinking how I never want to hear the number one again.

I was devastated.

My midwife told me that we could do a c-section that night, or shut off the medications and try again in the morning after giving my uterus a break.

I remember laying there bawling my eyes out. This was NOT how I had pictured my birth to go. I already gave into getting induced and I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone, including my husband down.

I laid in bed with Tim at my side bawling. My Doula was at my other side comforting me. We had a decision to make.

I felt like I already had to make to extremely hard decision to get induced and I did NOT want to have to make another one.

My mom, Tim's mom, Aaron, Julie, Tim and my Doula all gathered around me in prayer. I remember listening to Tim pray for our sweet little girl. Tears poured out of my eyes as I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms right then and there.

We asked everyone to leave so that Tim and I could pray alone. We then made the decision to give my body another chance in the morning.

I felt at peace with the choice and so we shut off the medications and tried to get some sleep.

I didn't sleep much that night because I was still contracting and in quite a bit of pain. At 4am on Tuesday morning the nurse came in to restart the pitocin.

Immediately the pain shot right back up along with the contractions. My uterus started hyper-stimulating again with contractions every 1 minute. The back labor had returned and by 6 am I was bawling to Tim telling him that I could NOT do this again. I felt like I already been through labor and not I had to wake up and do it all over again.

The nurse checked me at 6am and no surprise I was STILL at a 1. I had been in labor for 30 hours and my body was exhausted. I told her to call my midwife to set up the c-section.

The nurse returned and said that the c-section was set for 12:30pm. She left the room and pop! My water breaks on its own. My contractions started spacing out more by then but the back labor just got worse. We decided that I would get an epidural so that we could use the pitocin to try to make the contractions stronger to help dilate me.

The epidural was put in around 9am. At this time I got a WONDERFUL nurse named Amanda. She was once a Doula and was very support and encouraging on natural birthing. She checked me at I was FINALLY at a 2. She called my midwife and so we decided that we would let me labor for a while to see if I could dilate now that my water was broken.

At 10am she checked me again and I was at a 3! I was so excited, especially because for the first time in two days the contraction pain was pretty much gone. At 11am Amanda checked me again and said I was at a 4! She ran out to the other nurses and yelled "She's a 4, she is going to do this!!"

I was SO excited but trying not to get my hopes up. My mom, Tim's mom, Aaron, Julie, Tim and my Doula were all by my side. At around 11:45am a bunch of nurses rushed in and said that the baby was not liking this labor. They put me on oxygen and shut off the medication. The baby's heart-rate was not favorable at all. The nurse Amanda went to call my midwife. We all waited in my room for her to return, staring at the heart monitor.

The nurse returned with a look on her face that was opposite of the looks she had the past few hours. She held a clip board in her hand and I knew. I collected myself together with a supernatural peace. She explained that the baby was not doing well and that we needed to get her out ASAP. I took a deep breath and signed the paper.

Now everything went SO fast. Nurses were rushing around getting me ready. Tim changed into his scrubs and so did my mom. They rushed me to the OR and allowed Tim to be with me the entire time.

Yet again, I went to another place in my mind. I was not able to handle what was happening so I just held Tim's hand and went somewhere else in my mind.

I laid on the OR table and just stared into Tim's eyes. He held my hand telling me that everything was going to be okay. I felt a lot of pressure and pulling and then I heard someone yell, "It's a girl!" I would have been excited at this time but there was the one thing I didn't hear.

I didn't hear her cry.

Gracelyn came out blue and not breathing. They rushed her over and put her on oxygen. After the longest few minutes of my life I finally heard a loud cry. I remember BAWLING! I will never forget that moment. Tim looked down at me and kept telling me how beautiful she was. They went to take her to the nursery and Tim went with. The nurses sent my mom in to sit with me while I got stitched back up. I started to throw up while they were trying to put me back together. My mom held my hand and just kept telling me how beautiful Gracelyn was. I still had not seen her yet because they had to rush her out.

I was brought back to recovery and she was finally given to me. I was on so much medication I couldn't feel my arms so I had a hard time holding her and staying awake. After a few hours I was able to keep my eyes open and was brought to my room where Aaron, Julie, Tim's mom, and My mom were all waiting.

After expecting a vaginal birth, to a c-section, to a vaginal birth and ending in a c-section after 37 hours of labor, nevertheless, Gracelyn Rose was born at 12:12pm on December 7th weighing 6lbs 9oz and 19 inches long and is HEALTHY!

I truly believe that God gave me Tuesday morning to feel real contractions, to feel my water break, and to know that I did EVERYTHING I could to have a vaginal birth. God gave me that and knew that I could not make the decision for a c-section, thankful I didn't have to make the decision, it was made for me!

She is already a week old and I have so many other things to blog about her first week. They will have to wait and come in the next post!

For now, I am just happy she is here, and she is healthy. I am so blessed to have the support of my family and friends. I could have NEVER done ANY of this though without the love and support of my AMAZING husband!

New Labor Plans

I was the type of person before I got pregnant that said, "I'm getting an epidural before I even get to the hospital." I am not really a "natural" person, and not really into "organic" things and such. I looked at women who did natural childbirth as "stuck up know it alls" who felt they needed to prove something.

My entire pregnancy I have spent numerous hours researching labor and birth.

My feelings all changed once I got pregnant and started doing research. Now, I don't want to start a controversy but after my research and 12 weeks of Bradley Natural Childbirth classes, Tim and I felt that what we wanted for our labor was a natural, unmedicated one. Honestly, I have truly been excited about labor. Not the pain, but to experience something my body was made by God to do. I knew it would be hard but I was TRULY excited for what Tim & I would go through during natural childbirth.

Isn't it funny that I still think I can prepare for something or plan for something and just expect God to follow along with my plan? I tend to struggle with this a lot.

After seeing my midwife on Monday, for MANY reasons I wont get into, she said we needed to induce me. We told her we needed to talk and pray about it and that we would get back to her.

i. was. devastated.

We got home from the appointment and I went straight into my bed. All I could do was bawl my eyes out. I laid in bed for almost the entire day bawling because I felt like I had to give up something I had planned for, worked so hard for, and truly thought was best for me & Gracelyn. Tim & I prayed about this choice until late last night we decided.

I will be getting induced on Sunday night.

Although at times I think about this choice and feel a sick feeling knowing that this is NOT what I had planned for nor what I wanted for my first and possibly only labor. I have received a overwhelming sense of peace today. I am not sure how I could of dealt with making this decision without the support, love and prayers of our good friends and family. Although most don't understand our reasons for wanting to have a natural childbirth, they supported me. and now that we are having an induction, they still support me.

This is not a one time decision I have made. There are still times throughout my day that I want to cry and scream, "Why God? Why is this better? Why can't I just be normal and have a normal labor?" I know my God is faithful. I know my God is loving, not just to me but to my unborn daughter. I know that just as He had a plan of this unexpected pregnancy, He also has a plan for this unexpected labor.

I am comforted knowing that His plans tend to work out a whole lot better than mine!

So, regardless of how I will be laboring Gracelyn Rose will arrive sometime on Monday, if not earlier!

4 days and counting.......

Battle of the mind

I am not the most patient person. I like to have a plan, and know what is going to happen. A lot of this has to do with control I think. Somehow, I find myself thinking I have control over this whole life thing. It's times like now, that I realize (yet again) that I have no control. In all honesty, it is a true struggle for me.

I am sick of waiting, sick of hurting, and sick of wondering. Can she just be here already? I want so badly to meet my little girl, and I want her to be healthy. This may be my one and only pregnancy but yet I still find myself wanting nothing more than it to be over with. I feel guilty that I am not always appreciating the amazing gift of life that grows inside me, but some days, most day lately, I just want it to be done. I want to stop hurting and start getting my health back under control. I want to meet my baby. I want to see Tim as a daddy. I want to put on her first outfit. I want to be a mom.

So much change is going to occur when the day comes. Although it scares me deeply of this change, I feel like I am waiting for a life changing moment. A moment that seems a mystery as to when it will actually come. Will our life completely change today, or in 2 weeks? Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but when the pain has left me doing nothing but waiting for her, it feels like 2 years.

I was driving yesterday in the rain talking to my God. We were talking about my fears as a new mom, my fears for this natural labor, and my fears living in the unknown. I was comforted by Him. He doesn't want to throw me into motherhood scared and fearful, it is almost like these last few hours, days or weeks are a gift. (this was such a hard concept for me to allow into my heart, and still is) A gift of preparation. A gift to fall so deeply into his arms that when the fears of labor comes, I am so fully focused on Him that we can do it, together. When the fears of motherhood comes at 3 a.m., I shall not fear, because I am resting in His arms.

This is a time of preparation. I thought I was FULLY prepared to meet this sweet girl, and physically I am. I have all we need waiting and ready to go! Am I spiritually prepare? Am I resting in His arms, and focusing on Him?

I think He still has some preparing left to do with me. So for the next hour, day, or week, I will by the power of the Spirit, focus on the preparation God is working on, and remember that He already knows the PERFECT day for Gracelyn to come.

Please pray with me that I can continue to have this mindset throughout the rest of this pregnancy? It is a battle with the mind that I am truly struggling with.

Last trip to Rockford before baby

We had a wonderful weekend in Rockford this past weekend. We had our last baby shower and was blessed by the Schweitzer family and friends! It is always great to go home and see family. It was weird thinking that it was our last trip to Rockford without Gracelyn!

The Grandmas-to-be

Aaron and Julie came up to spend the weekend with us and take some maternity pictures for us. We had been looking forward to this photoshoot for some time because we had planned it in Rockford for a reason. When Tim & I first started dating 7 years ago we would go to this conservation park called LIB. We would go before school started in the morning and walk the trails talking about life and our amazing God. We have so many memories at this park and it was the place that meant the most to us in our dating relationship. We have not been back to this park since we got married but Aaron had the great idea to have our maternity pictures taken here! He knew how much we talked about this park and how significant it was to our relationship!

On Saturday morning was the baby shower and then the plan was to have our photoshoot afterwards. The baby shower went amazing and we headed back to my parents. I started getting really bad contractions along with a crohns flare that made me feel horrible. I laid on the couch for a few hours in bad pain and tears. I was getting SO upset because I kept thinking that this shoot wouldn't be able to happen. I know it sounds dumb, but this was the last time we would be there to get them done at this special spot. I started to feel a little bit better and the contractions slowed down so we left for LIB. I was so happy that I was feeling okay enough to smile for some pictures.

We pulled up to LIB. Staring at us was a huge sign that read "CLOSED HUNTING IN PROGRESS" I was immediately pissed. I wanted SO badly to have our pictures done here so we just parked on the street and decided we would just take a few at the opening of the conservation park. We were unable to go back on the trails which was disappointing. I was not in the best mood and the lighting wasn't great but after a pep talk from Tim, and the patience of Julie & Aaron through my hormonal self...we were able to get some great shots! We have a ton, and I have only edited a couple but here are a few so far that I like.

I am so grateful to have friends like Aaron & Julie who would take the time to drive up to take this pictures for us. It means a lot to have pictures of the 3 of us (me, Tim & Gracie) at the place that was so special to our relationship!

"Taking it easy"

I have a very hard time "taking it easy". Sure it is nice at times to relax, watch a movie, and kick my feet up. But to me, that is only nice for about two hours.

I am a very task-oriented person. This can be a good quality because I get things done, love to-do lists, and accomplish a lot in a short amount of time, but this also hinders me a great deal. At times I find my worth in accomplishing tasks. Now I have not really realized how deep this went until being "restricted" the last few weeks.

This may be the hormones talking, but I have been feeling low lately. Although the doctor says that I don't have to stay on bedrest but instead I just have to "take it easy", I find it very hard to do so. My body tells me to stay on the couch and relax, but my mind can't seem to handle this task. I try to do more, accomplish more, make more lists, anything to occupy my time. Well, I pay for it at nighttime. I hurt worse, my knee swells up, and I just plain feel awful. You'd think this would be enough to keep me in bed, but the problem lies in my feelings when I don't accomplish things during the day.

When I have gone through an entire day and don't have a list of things I've done, mentally, I feel worse than I would physically if I had accomplished things.

The last few weeks have honestly been downright depressing for me. I wish for the sake of sanity and my health, that I could be satisfied with my day in just "relaxing".

I know. I know. I know what you are thinking? "Enjoy this time Abby because soon it will be gone when the baby comes." I know. If I could just flip a switch to enjoy this downtime I would.

God gives us seasons in life. I know this is just a season of life that I am in, but if I can be honest with you, I feel like it will never end. I think the reason why I love to accomplish tasks, and be busy is because it distracts me. Distracts me from life's problems & pain. When I'm busy, it is easier not to think about the pain in my life & my family. When I am alone, on the couch "relaxing", the problems come to mind, the pain of life is there, and the anxiety of what is ahead is staring at me in the face.

I have no ending to this blog post. I have no story to which I was pulled out from underneath this dreary feeling. I just have the feelings, & a God who knows and understands them. A God who sits next to me as I type out my heart. A God who designed me to be a great task accomplisher.

This is just a season!

Pregnancy Fears

Well, it is 5:30 a.m. and I have been awake since 3 a.m. I usually wake up in the middle of the night now a days to go to the bathroom but tonight was different. I came back to bed after the bathroom and this time could NOT sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my mind that even though my body is so physically tired, my mind controlled me falling back into sleep.

I am in my third trimester now. The baby is due in 3 months, but will most likely be here in 2 according to the doctors. Although this brings such excitement and joy to see my sweet girl, it really hit me tonight.... at 3a.m.

I'm scared. I'm terrified.

I have all these thoughts running through my head and up until this point, I have had almost only happy, exciting thoughts about this baby coming. But now, now that it is getting closer & more real, I am scared.

I am scared that I wont know what to do. I am scared that I will wish the time away and miss out on the moment. I am scared about labor. I am scared that I wont breastfeed right, or that I wont get her schedule down. I am scared that I wont be a good mom. I am scared that she wont be healthy and I am terrified that I wont be healthy enough to be the mom she deserves! I am scared that she wont love Jesus, and that I wont show her enough of my love for Him. I am scared for my marriage, and how it wont ever be the same. I am scared for time, actual time spent for building up my marriage, my relationship with God, and for my relationship with my daughter. I am great at getting tasks done, but sometimes miss the most important things because of this. I am scared about money, and if I will ever be able to work. I am scared for Tim. I am scared that he has so much on his plate that he wont be able to be the father and husband he wants to be.

I want so much for my daughter and I am scared that I wont be able to give her what I want her to have. I want her to have hope in Christ, parents who love each other deeply, and the foundation to know her worth and acceptance through Him. I want her to have a healthy mom who can run & play with her. I want her to have a dad that would show her how beautiful she is and how no man can ever fulfill her except Christ alone.

There is so much I want for this precious girl growing inside me. As I live through the last few months before she comes my prayer is that God would not give me all I want, but instead that He would bring the peace and comfort to know that He is faithful to provide, that He loves her so much more than I could imagine, and that He is at work in our lives for His perfect timing and glory.

Convictions of the Spirit

When my relationship with God is in my hands, I will always be on a roller coaster of feeling close and feeling distant from Him.

When conviction comes through books, sermons, or through friends my immediate response is always, "okay so I need to do this more, or I need to stop doing this." My problem lies in that sure I may be able to give more, or wake up earlier to do devotions, but how long will that last? How long will I be able to do that for without falling again? I was sick of falling. I was sick of having to pick myself up again, and "start over."

My God has been telling me recently a new concept, a concept I never got when I first became a Christian. Although the concept seems like a "no duh!" to some people, and even to myself when I think about it. This concept was revealed to me with new eyes, with eyes opened by the Spirit and it was like I finally got it in a new way.

My Abba said to me, "Beloved, are you ready to get off the ride now?"

This seemed like such a crazy thought because to me, getting off the ride wasn't an option.

He picked me up, and carried me off the ride saying, "I am your strength, I am all that you need." It sounds so easy doesn't it? How often do I say "God is all I need?" and how much more often do I say "He is my strength" but think, "well when I need Him to be."

I have been riding this coaster of life of closeness to God, and distance from God but I have completely missed the point.

I can't do it, any of it. I can't even love Him without His help!!!!! I am nothing, BUT I know someone who is my Everything.

This is not a one time revelation that I have come to through His Spirit, but rather a moment by moment surrender to the Spirit. A surrender of my words, thoughts, and actions. because as we already covered, I am nothing, so my words, thoughts, and actions are of no value except the words, thoughts and actions I receive through the Spirit living in me.

What if we truly allowed the Spirit to be our everything? What would your life look like, would it be different? I find myself throughout my day "taking back over" my life. This is when I must resurrender to Him.

"Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?"

If I am living a like that is lukewarm, am I really surrendering it ALL to Him? I don't believe so. I think that our worldview is filled more with the way western culture and our world has Christianized things then the true Spirit and Word of God.

What does it look like to stop playing it safe? Francis Chan says in Crazy Love, "Something is wrong when our lives makes sense to unbelievers."

It is pride that keeps us from giving it all to Him, because that would mean also giving Him the glory. I must learn to listen and obey God because my society is filled with living my life "comfortably" and I'm not so sure that is how I, as a Christian, is called to live.

I leave you with this last quote, a quote that has brought strong conviction in my life recently that I may blog about at another time:

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens-they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them-they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live-they already have it figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and for the most part they are in good health. The trust is, their lives wouldn't look a whole lot different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."

This life is not something I can do, but only through the Spirit of God working in me.

Love Grace

I am so utterly humbled by the work the Lord is doing in my life. I am so undeserving of His love and grace, but yet He continues to pour it upon me. i had a moment last week, you know the kind of moment that stops you in your tracks and drops you to your knees?

How easy it is for me to get consumed by the "thorns" of this life and forget the AMAZING & CRAZY love He has for me. I was reminded by a story my husband told me about his day at work. He began to tell me about a customer he was helping, and how this customer wanted to know more about Tim and his life. Tim told him how I had been plagued with illness after illness and was near death just before our wedding day. Tim also told him of the struggles we have gone through because of my "unexplained" illnesses. The mans reply is what hit me (and Tim). Although I know what the man said to be true, and I have praised my Father for it, I still at some points seem to forget the magnitude of it. The man replied, "I am very sorry, and I am also sorry that she will Im sure not be able to get pregnant because of this."

There it is. The moment. As I stand listening to Tim tell me this story, it hits me. I know I shouldn't be pregnant, but some days I just seem to know it with my head and not my heart.

Grace was shown to Tim and myself in Tim's reply, "well sir, we are expecting a little girl in December!"
He gave us Grace. He has pour grace upon Tim and I in a way I believe I will continue to learn. Our sweet Gracie girl has been one of the biggest signs of grace in my life, and she isn't even here yet!

There is SO much I have to learn, and so much He still has to teach me, it seems as though I tend to get into the way when He tries to teach me something.

attempts at death

I can't even begin to imagine the pain my parents are in. To watch your first born want nothing more than to end his life has to be one of the hardest things for a parent to live through. The pain, fear and helplessness that has gripped my family seems almost suffocating.

Although it is by marriage, I finally got a sister 3 years ago when they married. No one said marriage was easy, and this was never more true than for them. She has held on through such devastating disappointments, and I am so thankful for that. Now, in the height of the unknown, she grips closer to him, reassuring him of her love for him. By this I am so humbled.

Although this has not been the first attempt by any means, it seems different. I am not a child anymore, but my childhood reactions seem to come into place immediately. I tuck the hurt away. I tuck the fear away. I put up my shield of strength and say to myself, "He will get through this, he has 20 other times." I have learned to deal with the attempts and to manage the pain that comes along with them. but it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday....i have dealt with my brother's suicide attempts for half of my life, but never a suicide. I don't even allow myself to think it could actually come to that.

God has saved my brother in his attempts to end his life many times. This attempt was no different. I always believed that there was a reason that he has continued to be "saved" after each attempt...but I think it is just a coping method for me to believe he cant die now.

I don't know how to handle death, only just attempts at death. I hurt for him. I hurt that he is living a life that he so desperately wants to end. The pain he must feel I wont ever understand.

I wont pray for him to live. That's all he has been doing from one attempt to another, just living. I will pray for him to heal. I see it only as torture for him to continue to live with the hope of death.

My guilt and regret is building. I wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel, but when I saw him in the hospital bed, no words could surface. My courage disappeared, and I said nothing. How could I say nothing to my dying brother? I feel like a failure and a coward.

I only know how to deal with attempts....but not the success of an attempt. and I hope I never will.

I shouldn't be pregnant...

How am I pregnant? Truly a miracle.

Since Tim and I married 2.5 years ago, I have somewhat dreaded starting to "try" to have kids on the basis of, I thought I would have to disappoint Tim.

I was told that it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. Between the health problems, cysts on my ovaries, and the fibro, I thought it would be a long time trying before we got pregnant. Therefore, March 5th Tim and I decided to get off birth control, which I've been on since 12, because it can lower your fertility. Our "plan" was for me to get off, so that whenever we decided we wanted to start trying we wouldn't have to wait forever to get pregnant. Our plan was to wait about two more years. Usually when you first get off BC it takes 3ish months to even be able to conceive. In the meantime, we decided to do natural family planning and just track my ovulation days. We follow this to a T!!!

Therefore, 1. I was told I couldn't get pregnant 2. I was only off BC for a few days 3. We tracked my cycle diligently

Regardless, I'm pregnant.

Even though this was a big shock, the first thing I thought when I found out was, "I'm going to miscarry" Im sure this is a fear for every pregnant women. A lot of the women in my family has struggled with miscarriage, so my risk is slightly higher. I've only known Im pregnant for about 6 days, these 6 days have been the longest of my life.

I can't live the next 7 months in fear. My gracious God begun to reveal this to me yesterday. "Abby, it's okay, I love you more than you could even begin to love this baby" I heard Him say.

There is NO WAY I will be able to deal with the next 7 months living in fear. I know I could miscarry, but I also know my faithful Lord can bring me even closer to Him through it. I know I can have a healthy baby, and I know my Lord can bring me closer to Him through it. Not that I am ready to miscarry, or even that Im prepared, but I am at peace with my Abba, knowing He is good.

Even if I choose to worry the next 7 months and everything turns out okay, it would get even worse. Then I would be worrying for the next 18plus years.

Therefore, I can choose to accept His peace, a peace that comes ONLY from Him. Even if I do miscarry, I shouldn't even be pregnant. I am just so thankful for everyday, and every new development, trusting Him with it. Some people don't get to be 7 weeks pregnant, I do! Whether it will continue or not, is in His arms. I cant worry anymore.

Some people dedicate their babies to the Lord in their church when their baby is young.

This is my dedication now, even though it hard, and I want the control, He does know best. And has ALREADY blessed me WAY beyond what I deserve.

I have been blessed beyond my understanding.

Broken

Broken.

Why am I so afraid of this concept? Why is this look down upon? I am strong. Many people have said to me in my battle with my health, "You are so strong Abby." Although they have always had good intentions, Im done trying to be strong. I have been trying to be strong my whole life. I have been trying to be the one people can go to with their problems, the one people can lean on. But I am oh so weak. and the mask of strength is coming off.

One definition of broken is: "out of order: no longer in working condition"

Why do we fear being out of order? What if I am no longer in working condition?
I AM BROKEN.

Why do we fear being broken? We have to obviously know that we can't do it right? but yet we still tend to try. at least I do.

My eyes were open to the concept of brokenness this weekend. Why does God give some people so much hurt?
In according to hurt and pain, for the past 6 years I have always seemed to hear Christians say, "God does not give you more than you can handle." Right?

Wrong.

"God will put heavier burdens on you than you can bear, especially when He is trying to bring you to a place of brokenness. God will allow the burden to be greater than you can bear so that you will FINALLY allow Him to bear it for you." -Steve McVey

God doesn't just give you strength, God IS your strength.
"God doesn't do good, God is good."

God doesnt seem to have any intention of helping me to be stronger. He wants me to be weaker so that "He can express Himself as the strength I need."


Why is brokenness seen as a bad thing? I am broken. I am not strong. I cannot do this. I will fail. My mask of strength is gone.

For I am Broken.

Beginning my Grace Walk...

Have I had this ALL WRONG?


How do you define your walk with Christ? a failure? a success? filled with ups and downs? My Christian walk has always been filled with ups and downs. The "ups" are filled with bibles studies, early morning prayer, and giving my time to help others. My "downs" have been filled with emptiness, guilt, shame, and loneliness. Most Christians would say that my "ups" equal success as a Christian, and I thought the same. When I am on a spiritual "high" I am doing things right!

I feel like I have had this walk ALL WRONG?

If someone were to ask me what they had to do to become a Christian, I, like most of you would answer with, "Nothing! Jesus did it already for you." Isn't that the answer you would give? It was the answer I got when I asked the question to a friend over 6 years ago. Nothing. For it is not by works that we are saved! Why then, in my spiritual "highs" do I burn myself out with what I do for God? Why do I feel guilty and like I'm "falling away" when I don't read my Bible. I have always, in my Christian walked, identified my walk with Christ in one phrase: "A Roller-Coaster". Why can't I ever break the cycle of the roller-coaster relationship with God? Is this how God had intended it when He sent His Son to die for us? NO!

I feel as though I have missed the concept completely. I have been stuck in a vicious cycle of highs (feeling close, doing the "right things"), lows (guilt, shame, alone), and then repentance (coming back to Him/beginning to "feel" close again).

I'm done living in this cycle. I'm done trying because I WILL FAIL. For over 6 years I have been trying to be a good Christian. but that is where I got it all wrong. The more I "try" to be a better Christan, the more I will fail!

The world defines success as this: "The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted" and "a successful performance or achievement"

So what does success look like in our spiritual lives? Well, for over 6 years, spiritual success took the same amount of work as my success in the world. But that is where we have it WRONG! There is not enough I can do to "be a good Christian", because I will get worn out and fall away and fail. So then, what is the answer? What have I been missing?

I have been missing the answer to the very first question asked by me over 6 years ago. What did I have to do to become a Christian? The answer, "Nothing! Jesus already did it" So then, the answer must be the same to the question of, "What do I have to do to be a good Christian?" The same answer must be, "Nothing my beloved Abby, I already did it for you."

That is what I have missed. I am loved no matter where I am, but I don't have to continue to be on this roller-coaster!

This is my Grace walk...

A new world

I woke up this morning dreaming of a world. A world that believes in true satisfaction. A world that believes in true happiness. A world that screams, "YOU ARE WORTHY!" A world that when you look out upon it, you feel complete. Isn't this world a world every person deep down strive to seek for?

This new world seems very different from the one we live in today. As a women in our current world, I am told very different things than that which the new world tells. In my current world I am told that I need more, I need more clothes, more money, or more time. Some days I am too fat, or Im too______(fill in the blank). I am told that some days I'm not good enough. Good enough for my friends, my husband, or my God. In this current world, I face a voice that tells me that if I could only be a better Christian, or closer to God, I would find fulfillment in my life. Although wanting to have a better relationship with God is not necessarily a bad thing, but if we want a good thing so desperately, we let desire turn bitter, and end up stealing from ourselves. You see, there also seems to be a part of the world we live in, even as Christian women, that looks down upon confession. This isnt really something I think may Christian women would say, but we all seem to have our own little secrets. We sometimes as Christian women mistakenly believe that confession makes us weak but on the contrary, our hidden defeats wear us down. Confession allows us freedom. I know I am not the only women who struggles with which world to follow, or feeling unworthy or unloved. So often it is easier to believe that we are worthless and weak than it is to truly accept that in God we are incomparably valuable and loved.

The truth is women, we live in this world, but yet we are called to not be of it. I spend so much more time filling my mind with T.V., billboards, gossip, then I do allowing the Maker to tell me who I really am. A quote that I have to read everyday is taped to my mirror. When I put my makeup on every day I am confronted by this truth:
"Each day it is absolutely crucial for me to listen for God's voice, affirming that I am God's beloved child. Only then can I resist the temptation to reinhabit my false identity. Only when I am listening to God's voice, and not my own, am I set free from having to prove to the world (or to myself) that I am worth loving, because God has already, repeatedly, affirmed his love for me."

You see, this new world I dreamed of today is a world that although I do not live there right now, I must visit this new world daily, for strength and so my Maker can tell me really who I am:

Loved. Worthy. Beautiful.

New Beginnings

WELCOME!
Tim and I had started a blog on CaringBridge last year that dealt with my medical issues and Tim's trip to Brazil. I decided I wanted to start blogging again, and wanted a fresh start. A blog that wasn't filled with depressing medical issues.
I love to journal. I feel most as peace and most connected to my creator when I journal. I feel almost like it is a direct connection to Him.

Most people start a blog to share a new birth, wonderful missions trip, or a exciting or troublesome time in their life. Im not sure that Tim and I have any of these things going on, but yet, I still wanted to be able to share my thoughts and feelings. Maybe no one will even read this, but thats okay.

I will however give an update to those who have been praying for Tim and I the last few months.

UPDATE ON ABBY:
Well my cartilage transplant surgery was done on December 23rd, right before Christmas. I stayed two weeks at my parents house after with tim. My mom rented a hospital bed so that made it a lot easier. Although I don't remember mush of the two weeks, including Christmas and our 2 year wedding anniversary, I do remember a few things:

• How my husband stayed up until 6am every night to sleep on the floor next to my bed, in case I woke up in pain and needed something. He woke me up every 2 hours to eat and take more medicine.
• I remember how my mom would wake up at 6am so Tim could go to bed, and she would then take on the day shift of feeding me and making sure I had medicine. Where would I be without my mother? Lord only knows. A lot of my smiles those two weeks come from my mom.
• I remember my dad, my dad took shifts sleeping next to my bed, changing ice in my ice machine and making sure I was okay. He made me feel loved during this time.
• I remember my younger brother Connor. Not only was he Tim's source of sanity, but he also showed me love in taking care of me also.
• I also remember the friends I had that visited me: Laura brought me strawberries and flowers, and laid with me in my bed and made me laugh. Katie and Josh drove 3 hours up to spend New Years Eve with Tim and I. This was such a treat and a blessing. My in laws also came to visit me on Christmas, dont remember much of this, but I remember their love and gifts :)

Since then, I've been home with my wonderful husband. January and February he waited on me hand and foot. Made my meals, helped me shower and get dressed, cleaned the house, took me to PT. He was a true blessing.

Since February I have been able to get around pretty well and fend for myself for the most part. I still go to PT twice a week, and I am hoping to be ready to be back to work in the start of May.

I have been cooking meals every day for tim and being a housewife, which I LOVE!!

UPDATE ON TIM:

I dont want to give a big update on Tim, since Im the one writing this, but I'll share with you a few things.

He got a job at Best Buy working in computers, his first day is actually today. This has been a great blessing because he has been looking for a job for a while. Tim also has been going to guitar lessons once a week with a friend on campus. He loves learning more about guitar.

UPDATE ON US BOTH:

We both have been into photography as most of you already know. We have had quite a few photoshoots, and love every bit of it! We also have photography lessons once a week!

We both are still in school full time, but we only have to travel to lincoln once a week, which is great!

We just found a church! We love it. It is seriously such a blessing and the thing that I am most excited about right now. God is working in such huge ways there, and we are so excited to be a part of it! Tim is on the worship team and I am going on the womens retreat in April. We are so excited to see how God will do in this church. Also, we are making new friends there. Everyone is so welcoming and friendly!

WHAT GOD HAS BEEN DOING:

Tim and I are going through a book called "Marriage Without Regrets" By Kay Arthur. It has really been a great source for us to come together daily and read about a godly marriage. We in no way have a prefect marriage, but we are excited to see the ways God is molding us together. Accepting a plan that may not be our own for our life.

I have been reading a book called "Every Thought Captive" By Jerusha CLark. It has really helped me through accepting who I am in Christ, and filtering what I say to myself, and what is truth. God has been teaching me so much about his love for me, and who I am in Him. I have also been going to see a counselor who has helped me a lot to deal with past issues and accepting who I am as a child of God.

God has been calling tim and i closer and closer to His heart. We are so excited to the changes in our life, and our new Church home.