When I think back to my experience having Gracelyn I have such a pit in my stomach. You know the kind you get when you wish something went a different way?
I understand that God was truly in what happened, although some days I can't help but feel cheated. I wanted so badly to have Gracelyn natural on her own timing. When I was pregnant I was dreaming of going through the labor and birth experience. But none of it went my way at all. Which usually happens when I try to plan things.
I look at my baby and am grateful to just have her in my life but I believe there is a huge difference between loving your baby and hating your birth experience.
I think back on how I felt during my pregnancy and all the things I wanted. I obviously didn't have a natural birth and ended up with a c-section, but there are other aspects of my birth and new mommy-hood I feel like I was cheated out of.
The second thing that I have the pit in my stomach feeling about is nursing. Besides having natural vaginal birth, being able to nurse Gracelyn was the other thing I wanted so badly. The first month was hell for me. G had a next to impossible time latching on, so I had to use a shield for her to even be able to latch. Even with a shield, she was never able to get a full feeding out, so she would end up hungry and frustrated. I decided I was going to stop nursing and exclusively pumping breast milk for G. This was another thing I felt cheated out of, to not be able to nurse and bond with G. I wanted the best for her, so I took the extra time & pain to pump and give her only mommy's milk.
Pumping was next to impossible to do on a 3 hour schedule with a baby who cried ALL THE TIME in tummy pain. I ended up with mastitis 3 times and thrush that last for 2 months. The last time I got mastitis I was recovering from my knee surgery. This was the last straw for me. I could no longer deal with it anymore so I started to wean off the pump.
I gave G her first formula bottle a few weeks ago and bawled through the whole thing. It isn't that I think formula is evil, it is just here was another thing I wanted so badly to do that I had to give up on. I have now been done pumping for a week and it is nice to have the extra time, and pain free from breast infections, but I can't help but feeling sick to my stomach every time I feed G formula.
Most of this may sound petty to you all, but I just feel like I haven't been able to do much of anything I imagined doing for G.
The last thing I imagined doing as a new mommy was baby-wearing. Because of my RA, I wanted to be able to "wear" G so it would be easier on my joints, but because of her GERD and puking every one second, wearing her isn't really an option unless I also wanted to "wear" 5lbs of puke. So I do my best holding and comforting her, but most days my body just doesn't allow me to like I want to. I just want to hold her when she is crying in pain and soothe her, but most of the time it just isn't an option.
I am not trying to have a pity party with this post. I just want other moms who feel or have felt like they "missed out on" or regretted something with their birth or new mommy-hood to know that it is okay to mourn these "loses". It doesn't mean you love your baby less if you are sad with your birth or the first few months of baby's life.
God knows how much I love my baby girl, but sometimes, I do wish things went differently. I do wish I could do the things I looked so forward to as a mommy. Although some of the things are not that big of a deal, thinking about them all together is hard sometimes.
God has shown himself and his glory through it regardless, and although sometimes I feel cheated, He is breaking down that thought and slowly replacing it with His peace.
