How am I pregnant? Truly a miracle.
Since Tim and I married 2.5 years ago, I have somewhat dreaded starting to "try" to have kids on the basis of, I thought I would have to disappoint Tim.
I was told that it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. Between the health problems, cysts on my ovaries, and the fibro, I thought it would be a long time trying before we got pregnant. Therefore, March 5th Tim and I decided to get off birth control, which I've been on since 12, because it can lower your fertility. Our "plan" was for me to get off, so that whenever we decided we wanted to start trying we wouldn't have to wait forever to get pregnant. Our plan was to wait about two more years. Usually when you first get off BC it takes 3ish months to even be able to conceive. In the meantime, we decided to do natural family planning and just track my ovulation days. We follow this to a T!!!
Therefore, 1. I was told I couldn't get pregnant 2. I was only off BC for a few days 3. We tracked my cycle diligently
Regardless, I'm pregnant.
Even though this was a big shock, the first thing I thought when I found out was, "I'm going to miscarry" Im sure this is a fear for every pregnant women. A lot of the women in my family has struggled with miscarriage, so my risk is slightly higher. I've only known Im pregnant for about 6 days, these 6 days have been the longest of my life.
I can't live the next 7 months in fear. My gracious God begun to reveal this to me yesterday. "Abby, it's okay, I love you more than you could even begin to love this baby" I heard Him say.
There is NO WAY I will be able to deal with the next 7 months living in fear. I know I could miscarry, but I also know my faithful Lord can bring me even closer to Him through it. I know I can have a healthy baby, and I know my Lord can bring me closer to Him through it. Not that I am ready to miscarry, or even that Im prepared, but I am at peace with my Abba, knowing He is good.
Even if I choose to worry the next 7 months and everything turns out okay, it would get even worse. Then I would be worrying for the next 18plus years.
Therefore, I can choose to accept His peace, a peace that comes ONLY from Him. Even if I do miscarry, I shouldn't even be pregnant. I am just so thankful for everyday, and every new development, trusting Him with it. Some people don't get to be 7 weeks pregnant, I do! Whether it will continue or not, is in His arms. I cant worry anymore.
Some people dedicate their babies to the Lord in their church when their baby is young.
This is my dedication now, even though it hard, and I want the control, He does know best. And has ALREADY blessed me WAY beyond what I deserve.
I have been blessed beyond my understanding.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Broken
Broken.
Why am I so afraid of this concept? Why is this look down upon? I am strong. Many people have said to me in my battle with my health, "You are so strong Abby." Although they have always had good intentions, Im done trying to be strong. I have been trying to be strong my whole life. I have been trying to be the one people can go to with their problems, the one people can lean on. But I am oh so weak. and the mask of strength is coming off.
One definition of broken is: "out of order: no longer in working condition"
Why do we fear being out of order? What if I am no longer in working condition?
I AM BROKEN.
Why do we fear being broken? We have to obviously know that we can't do it right? but yet we still tend to try. at least I do.
My eyes were open to the concept of brokenness this weekend. Why does God give some people so much hurt?
In according to hurt and pain, for the past 6 years I have always seemed to hear Christians say, "God does not give you more than you can handle." Right?
Wrong.
"God will put heavier burdens on you than you can bear, especially when He is trying to bring you to a place of brokenness. God will allow the burden to be greater than you can bear so that you will FINALLY allow Him to bear it for you." -Steve McVey
God doesn't just give you strength, God IS your strength.
"God doesn't do good, God is good."
God doesnt seem to have any intention of helping me to be stronger. He wants me to be weaker so that "He can express Himself as the strength I need."
Why is brokenness seen as a bad thing? I am broken. I am not strong. I cannot do this. I will fail. My mask of strength is gone.
For I am Broken.
Why am I so afraid of this concept? Why is this look down upon? I am strong. Many people have said to me in my battle with my health, "You are so strong Abby." Although they have always had good intentions, Im done trying to be strong. I have been trying to be strong my whole life. I have been trying to be the one people can go to with their problems, the one people can lean on. But I am oh so weak. and the mask of strength is coming off.
One definition of broken is: "out of order: no longer in working condition"
Why do we fear being out of order? What if I am no longer in working condition?
I AM BROKEN.
Why do we fear being broken? We have to obviously know that we can't do it right? but yet we still tend to try. at least I do.
My eyes were open to the concept of brokenness this weekend. Why does God give some people so much hurt?
In according to hurt and pain, for the past 6 years I have always seemed to hear Christians say, "God does not give you more than you can handle." Right?
Wrong.
"God will put heavier burdens on you than you can bear, especially when He is trying to bring you to a place of brokenness. God will allow the burden to be greater than you can bear so that you will FINALLY allow Him to bear it for you." -Steve McVey
God doesn't just give you strength, God IS your strength.
"God doesn't do good, God is good."
God doesnt seem to have any intention of helping me to be stronger. He wants me to be weaker so that "He can express Himself as the strength I need."
Why is brokenness seen as a bad thing? I am broken. I am not strong. I cannot do this. I will fail. My mask of strength is gone.
For I am Broken.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Beginning my Grace Walk...
Have I had this ALL WRONG?
How do you define your walk with Christ? a failure? a success? filled with ups and downs? My Christian walk has always been filled with ups and downs. The "ups" are filled with bibles studies, early morning prayer, and giving my time to help others. My "downs" have been filled with emptiness, guilt, shame, and loneliness. Most Christians would say that my "ups" equal success as a Christian, and I thought the same. When I am on a spiritual "high" I am doing things right!
I feel like I have had this walk ALL WRONG?
If someone were to ask me what they had to do to become a Christian, I, like most of you would answer with, "Nothing! Jesus did it already for you." Isn't that the answer you would give? It was the answer I got when I asked the question to a friend over 6 years ago. Nothing. For it is not by works that we are saved! Why then, in my spiritual "highs" do I burn myself out with what I do for God? Why do I feel guilty and like I'm "falling away" when I don't read my Bible. I have always, in my Christian walked, identified my walk with Christ in one phrase: "A Roller-Coaster". Why can't I ever break the cycle of the roller-coaster relationship with God? Is this how God had intended it when He sent His Son to die for us? NO!
I feel as though I have missed the concept completely. I have been stuck in a vicious cycle of highs (feeling close, doing the "right things"), lows (guilt, shame, alone), and then repentance (coming back to Him/beginning to "feel" close again).
I'm done living in this cycle. I'm done trying because I WILL FAIL. For over 6 years I have been trying to be a good Christian. but that is where I got it all wrong. The more I "try" to be a better Christan, the more I will fail!
The world defines success as this: "The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted" and "a successful performance or achievement"
So what does success look like in our spiritual lives? Well, for over 6 years, spiritual success took the same amount of work as my success in the world. But that is where we have it WRONG! There is not enough I can do to "be a good Christian", because I will get worn out and fall away and fail. So then, what is the answer? What have I been missing?
I have been missing the answer to the very first question asked by me over 6 years ago. What did I have to do to become a Christian? The answer, "Nothing! Jesus already did it" So then, the answer must be the same to the question of, "What do I have to do to be a good Christian?" The same answer must be, "Nothing my beloved Abby, I already did it for you."
That is what I have missed. I am loved no matter where I am, but I don't have to continue to be on this roller-coaster!
This is my Grace walk...
How do you define your walk with Christ? a failure? a success? filled with ups and downs? My Christian walk has always been filled with ups and downs. The "ups" are filled with bibles studies, early morning prayer, and giving my time to help others. My "downs" have been filled with emptiness, guilt, shame, and loneliness. Most Christians would say that my "ups" equal success as a Christian, and I thought the same. When I am on a spiritual "high" I am doing things right!
I feel like I have had this walk ALL WRONG?
If someone were to ask me what they had to do to become a Christian, I, like most of you would answer with, "Nothing! Jesus did it already for you." Isn't that the answer you would give? It was the answer I got when I asked the question to a friend over 6 years ago. Nothing. For it is not by works that we are saved! Why then, in my spiritual "highs" do I burn myself out with what I do for God? Why do I feel guilty and like I'm "falling away" when I don't read my Bible. I have always, in my Christian walked, identified my walk with Christ in one phrase: "A Roller-Coaster". Why can't I ever break the cycle of the roller-coaster relationship with God? Is this how God had intended it when He sent His Son to die for us? NO!
I feel as though I have missed the concept completely. I have been stuck in a vicious cycle of highs (feeling close, doing the "right things"), lows (guilt, shame, alone), and then repentance (coming back to Him/beginning to "feel" close again).
I'm done living in this cycle. I'm done trying because I WILL FAIL. For over 6 years I have been trying to be a good Christian. but that is where I got it all wrong. The more I "try" to be a better Christan, the more I will fail!
The world defines success as this: "The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted" and "a successful performance or achievement"
So what does success look like in our spiritual lives? Well, for over 6 years, spiritual success took the same amount of work as my success in the world. But that is where we have it WRONG! There is not enough I can do to "be a good Christian", because I will get worn out and fall away and fail. So then, what is the answer? What have I been missing?
I have been missing the answer to the very first question asked by me over 6 years ago. What did I have to do to become a Christian? The answer, "Nothing! Jesus already did it" So then, the answer must be the same to the question of, "What do I have to do to be a good Christian?" The same answer must be, "Nothing my beloved Abby, I already did it for you."
That is what I have missed. I am loved no matter where I am, but I don't have to continue to be on this roller-coaster!
This is my Grace walk...
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