Words Can Hurt

I don't think we really understand as a culture how to handle miscarriage and infertility sometimes. The pain behind both of these horrible things is unbearable. Although I have never had to deal with infertility, I have many close friends who have, and it can be devastating. I do know the pain of miscarriage and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I am thankful to be pregnant again and praise God for this blessing, but the pain of loss still hurts.

Sometimes our words others hurt during infertility and miscarriage. I don't think very often we realize how damaging our words can be to someone who is struggling with these things. During my miscarriage I was blessed to have amazing support and love from so many people, but lets be honest, it's awkward. I felt awkward because I felt like people didn't know what to say, or if they should say anything. I felt awkward because although I received so much love and support through email and Facebook, when face to face with someone it got weird. People don't seem to know how to handle a miscarriage sometimes, and for every person it is different. Some people want to talk about it, some people want to keep it to themselves, and both are okay. Either way, it was still a life that was lost.

I want to share 2 lists I found of things NOT to say to someone who has miscarriage or is experiencing infertility. Although your intentions are good, it hurts.

Try to avoid these phrase when talking to someone who had a miscarriage:

1. People miscarry all the time. -How does that make my pain any less. That is like saying people parents die all the time, get over it.

2.At least you can get pregnant. -I don't want to get pregnant, I want to have a baby

3. Don't think of it as a miscarriage, just a late period. -I lost my baby, a baby I will never meet, it was a miscarriage, it was a loss, NOT a late period.

4. You can have another -Maybe I can have another, you don't know that, even if I do, I want this baby, I lost this baby.

5.Be grateful for the children you have. -I am but I still need to mourn the one I lost

Again, I have not dealt with infertility personally but from hearing from friends who have, I can't imagine the pain. It seems like everyone around them is getting pregnant and having babies and all they want is the same. Infertility is a daily battle and struggle and sometimes we must watch our words. You may not even know someone is trying and struggling with infertility, so be careful what you say to anyone.

Try to avoid saying these things to someone struggling with infertility:

1. Don't complain about your pregnancy, although you may just be venting to a friend, you don't know what that person is struggling with and may want to give everything and anything to feel morning sickness.

2. Enjoy time with your husband, you don't need a baby right now. -Just because some people have a desire to get pregnant right away, and you didn't doesn't mean that they shouldn't. God has the perfect timing and they are trying to remember that, but telling them to "wait" isn't helping.

3. You are still young, it'll happen. -Although this maybe true, you don't know if they will get pregnant and for them, every month feels like eternity when you continue to get a negative sign on a pregnancy test.

4. Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen.Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts

5.Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement. The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.

Try to be sensitive, understanding that miscarriage and infertility are extremely painful. Pray for your friends that have dealt with or are dealing with these issues. Be a supported and try to understand but choose your words wisely and be sensitive.

Great resource and support for miscarriage here