Battle of the mind

I am not the most patient person. I like to have a plan, and know what is going to happen. A lot of this has to do with control I think. Somehow, I find myself thinking I have control over this whole life thing. It's times like now, that I realize (yet again) that I have no control. In all honesty, it is a true struggle for me.

I am sick of waiting, sick of hurting, and sick of wondering. Can she just be here already? I want so badly to meet my little girl, and I want her to be healthy. This may be my one and only pregnancy but yet I still find myself wanting nothing more than it to be over with. I feel guilty that I am not always appreciating the amazing gift of life that grows inside me, but some days, most day lately, I just want it to be done. I want to stop hurting and start getting my health back under control. I want to meet my baby. I want to see Tim as a daddy. I want to put on her first outfit. I want to be a mom.

So much change is going to occur when the day comes. Although it scares me deeply of this change, I feel like I am waiting for a life changing moment. A moment that seems a mystery as to when it will actually come. Will our life completely change today, or in 2 weeks? Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but when the pain has left me doing nothing but waiting for her, it feels like 2 years.

I was driving yesterday in the rain talking to my God. We were talking about my fears as a new mom, my fears for this natural labor, and my fears living in the unknown. I was comforted by Him. He doesn't want to throw me into motherhood scared and fearful, it is almost like these last few hours, days or weeks are a gift. (this was such a hard concept for me to allow into my heart, and still is) A gift of preparation. A gift to fall so deeply into his arms that when the fears of labor comes, I am so fully focused on Him that we can do it, together. When the fears of motherhood comes at 3 a.m., I shall not fear, because I am resting in His arms.

This is a time of preparation. I thought I was FULLY prepared to meet this sweet girl, and physically I am. I have all we need waiting and ready to go! Am I spiritually prepare? Am I resting in His arms, and focusing on Him?

I think He still has some preparing left to do with me. So for the next hour, day, or week, I will by the power of the Spirit, focus on the preparation God is working on, and remember that He already knows the PERFECT day for Gracelyn to come.

Please pray with me that I can continue to have this mindset throughout the rest of this pregnancy? It is a battle with the mind that I am truly struggling with.