attempts at death

I can't even begin to imagine the pain my parents are in. To watch your first born want nothing more than to end his life has to be one of the hardest things for a parent to live through. The pain, fear and helplessness that has gripped my family seems almost suffocating.

Although it is by marriage, I finally got a sister 3 years ago when they married. No one said marriage was easy, and this was never more true than for them. She has held on through such devastating disappointments, and I am so thankful for that. Now, in the height of the unknown, she grips closer to him, reassuring him of her love for him. By this I am so humbled.

Although this has not been the first attempt by any means, it seems different. I am not a child anymore, but my childhood reactions seem to come into place immediately. I tuck the hurt away. I tuck the fear away. I put up my shield of strength and say to myself, "He will get through this, he has 20 other times." I have learned to deal with the attempts and to manage the pain that comes along with them. but it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday....i have dealt with my brother's suicide attempts for half of my life, but never a suicide. I don't even allow myself to think it could actually come to that.

God has saved my brother in his attempts to end his life many times. This attempt was no different. I always believed that there was a reason that he has continued to be "saved" after each attempt...but I think it is just a coping method for me to believe he cant die now.

I don't know how to handle death, only just attempts at death. I hurt for him. I hurt that he is living a life that he so desperately wants to end. The pain he must feel I wont ever understand.

I wont pray for him to live. That's all he has been doing from one attempt to another, just living. I will pray for him to heal. I see it only as torture for him to continue to live with the hope of death.

My guilt and regret is building. I wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel, but when I saw him in the hospital bed, no words could surface. My courage disappeared, and I said nothing. How could I say nothing to my dying brother? I feel like a failure and a coward.

I only know how to deal with attempts....but not the success of an attempt. and I hope I never will.