I am in my third trimester now. The baby is due in 3 months, but will most likely be here in 2 according to the doctors. Although this brings such excitement and joy to see my sweet girl, it really hit me tonight.... at 3a.m.
I'm scared. I'm terrified.
I have all these thoughts running through my head and up until this point, I have had almost only happy, exciting thoughts about this baby coming. But now, now that it is getting closer & more real, I am scared.
I am scared that I wont know what to do. I am scared that I will wish the time away and miss out on the moment. I am scared about labor. I am scared that I wont breastfeed right, or that I wont get her schedule down. I am scared that I wont be a good mom. I am scared that she wont be healthy and I am terrified that I wont be healthy enough to be the mom she deserves! I am scared that she wont love Jesus, and that I wont show her enough of my love for Him. I am scared for my marriage, and how it wont ever be the same. I am scared for time, actual time spent for building up my marriage, my relationship with God, and for my relationship with my daughter. I am great at getting tasks done, but sometimes miss the most important things because of this. I am scared about money, and if I will ever be able to work. I am scared for Tim. I am scared that he has so much on his plate that he wont be able to be the father and husband he wants to be.
I want so much for my daughter and I am scared that I wont be able to give her what I want her to have. I want her to have hope in Christ, parents who love each other deeply, and the foundation to know her worth and acceptance through Him. I want her to have a healthy mom who can run & play with her. I want her to have a dad that would show her how beautiful she is and how no man can ever fulfill her except Christ alone.
There is so much I want for this precious girl growing inside me. As I live through the last few months before she comes my prayer is that God would not give me all I want, but instead that He would bring the peace and comfort to know that He is faithful to provide, that He loves her so much more than I could imagine, and that He is at work in our lives for His perfect timing and glory.
Oh girl....doesn't this sound familiar. I remember those sleepless nights being terrified. I wrote down my biggest fears on a card and put it in my Bible. I threw it away the other day....realizing that most did not come true. I'm beginning to realize that loving someone as deeply and as passionately as a momma loves her baby causes deep, deep fear. But I'm also realizing that, that love and trsting God is what will make it all turn out all right.
ReplyDeleteIf I could get pregnant again I think I would have all those fears again...they don't go away. And adopting brings just as many fears...just different ones. But I think that God used my fears w/ Addilece to help me trust him. If I had all the answers as a mom then I wouldn't need him. And I know now that I HAVE to trust him daily as a mom.....because I have NO CLUE what to do when my child throws herself on the ground screaming, or does a high pitched squeal, or doesn't want to eat anything I put in front of her. It forces me back to Him!
It is right and good to consider the future. There is wisdom in counting the cost. You are right... everything will be different. A lot of things will be harder. There are millions of aspects of parenting... it is an incredible responsibility. So, so many expectations.... of yourself, of your husband, what other people think of you, etc. Thinking about it now, it's almost inconceivable to truly prepare for this adventure of a lifetime.
ReplyDeleteBut then there's God. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Yes, becoming a mom is HUGE! But I promise you, Abby, that if you will fix your eyes on Jesus, He will step by step provide everything you need.... especially GRACE for when you fail to meet your own expectations, or your husband fails to be exactly what you thought.
HE will be faithful to give you WISDOM beyond your years, COURAGE beyond your fears, LOVE beyond your selfishness, STRENGTH beyond your weakness, PROVISION beyond your budget, and FORGIVENESS beyond your failures.
There will also be surprises and treasures that are unimaginable... the oneness you feel with your husband as you gaze at your daughter, the beauty of humility when you realize you have no clue what you are doing, the tenderness of faith as you trust the Lord with a piece of your heart that lives outside your body. All of these things are better than any fairy tale our brains conjure up in hopes of this earthly life because our real joy is in our hope in Christ and our relationship with Him.
Much love and thanks for your honesty. Gracie will be blessed to have a mom so concerned to do what is right and pleasing in the eyes of her Savior... after all, that's why we do what we do, to give our kids Jesus.
Marianne
You are an amazing woman, and the fact that you are worried about these things means that you truly care! You will do great, and she is sooo lucky to have Christ loving parents such as yourselves!
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