I cannot believe you are three weeks old and it has taken me so long to sit down to write this. These three weeks have flown by, although they have been challenging at times. I want to share with you what God did, what He taught me, and how He changed me during your birth. This is quite a long story, after being in labor for 108 hours, there is so much to write. I tried to cut it down, but I didn't want to forget anything. I am going to break this letter up, so that I can include everything.
I had been much more patient this pregnancy than with your sister's. I was enjoying the end of my pregnancy, even though some prodromal labor was messing with my emotions. Every evening for about 9 days I would get contractions, about 5 minutes apart, increasing in intensity, would not go away with rest, showers, water, or walking; typical labor signs, except after hours and hours, they would soon fizzle out, leaving me frustrated and longing to meet you. Just one week before your birth I wrote this. I had no idea how true this blog was going to be. I knew God was teaching me, and was going to teaching me great things during your labor, but I had no idea how much that truly was going to be.
Wednesday night September 12th rolled around. I had been having contractions all evening like usual but these were much stronger than the practice labor I had been having. I was not able to get any sleep and felt like maybe "this was it". I labored through the night, not sleeping at all. Daddy decided to go to work the next morning, and was waiting for a phone call. Your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju came over to play with your sister so that I could try to rest between contractions. We were all so excited, but I refused to believe you were really coming until that evening. By Thursday night I KNEW I was in labor and we called your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju to come back over around 11pm. Your daddy decided to get some sleep and A & J stayed up with me, helping me through contractions. We decided at about 3am it was time to bake you a birthday cake; funfetti cake with strawberry frosting. I was feeling excited that this time was finally here but something inside me was preparing for a long labor, even though the contractions were strong and close together. I had no idea however, how long this labor was actually going to be.
Friday afternoon my amazing doula Jessica arrived. She helped me relax through contractions, and her presence was such a calming peace. I love this woman, and truly believe God placed her at your birth for a reason. She loved and cared for your mama so beautifully. The sacrifice of time, sleep, food, and energy from everyone at your birth was astounding. They all labor right along side me, caring for me and praying with me.
Daddy had been in contact with the midwife throughout the day, updating her on my progress. Contractions were about 3 minutes apart now lasting about a minute long. I was so tired and ready to meet you. Although the contractions were very painful, I felt as though God was not done teaching me, and much more was ahead even though everyone else thought I was in transition. I had all the signs of transition so we were all starting to think the end was near.
Uncle Aaron and Aunt Juju took amazing care of your big sister. Gracelyn loved to help mama make noise during contractions and was beyond thrilled when we let her get into the birthing pool with me. She splashed and played, and when a contraction came, she leaned over and gave me sweet hugs and kisses. The joy on her face was contagious. I loved snuggling her in the pool and spending precious moments with her.
By Friday night I was feeling like I was ready to push. I felt a lot of pressure, and not having been through pushing before I assumed I was ready. We called our midwife, J, and she was on her way! About an hour later J arrived. Oh Kade, this woman loves the Lord and took such wonderful care of your mama. I do not think you would have been born as peacefully as you were if it were not for her. She listened to your heart rate often and continued to comment on how "boring" you were. You were so peaceful in there! You heart rate remain constant and steady. During contractions J would kneel next to me, saying peaceful, relaxing things, and pray. This woman prayed for you my boy, she prayed often, we all did! I never felt so surround by prayer and peace before.
After a few hours of pushing, I felt something was "off" and wasn't feeling like it was working. J doesn't usually do vaginal checks because they are a poor indicator of progress, can introduce infection, and caused premature rupture of membranes (breaking waters). However, I felt like I needed to know if I should be pushing or not. J was hesitant because she truly didn't want to discourage me. I asked her to not tell me my number but rather just tell me if I should be pushing. The exam was extremely painful as my cervix was posterior. She finished the exam, looked at me in the eyes and softly said, "you are 90% effaced, but sweetie, you are not ready to push." I felt broken. I was sure I had pushy feelings. After those words left her lips, I broke down crying. You daddy, J, the midwife assistant and Jessica poured over top of me, crying and praying with me. I was exhausted, and I thought it was almost over. I could tell by midwife's reaction that I still had a ways to go. I was devastated. I felt as though this was turning into Gracelyn's birth all over again and that I would never dilate. My midwife looked me in the eyes and said, "Abby, sometimes we have to go through something similar to that which harmed us and overcome it, in order to truly heal." I am so thankful that she didn't tell me my number because if I would have known at the time that I was only at a 1, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. If I would have known you wouldn't be here until Monday, I would have given up and gone to the hospital. I am thankful I did not know, I am thankful for the reminders from everyone to take one contraction at a time and trust in God's perfect timing. I am thankful for God's provision.
Everyone left Friday night so daddy and I could labor alone. The intimacy was wonderful. I will never forget those moments alone with your daddy, his sweet touch, calming words, and loving presence gave me hope. Saturday morning I was beside myself. Your daddy decided to help me into the bath to try to relax and rest. He lit candles that my friends had made for me at my blessing way, shut off the lights in the bathroom, put on worship music, and held my hand as I labored in the bathtub. It was a truly beautiful time that I will never forget. I held daddy's hand and sang out, "All I need to do is worship, all I need to do is say His name out loud, all I need to do is lift my hands, surrender, and bow down. All I need to do is find Him. All I need to do is let His presence fall. All I need to do is worship, worship the Lord."
After our bath your daddy fell asleep, and I was grateful to continue to labor alone with my God. With candles still lit in the dark and worship music playing, I bounced on my ball and sang songs to my God. I yelled, I prayed, I cried, I begged, I sang. I was held, I was given peace, I was given hope, I was given strength. I felt the presence of God in a way I never had before. I surrendered what I thought was everything I had, and was immediately filled with peace and hope. I discovered at this time that the reason I was feeling pushy the evening before was because I was fighting each contraction, rather than relaxing and surrendering to them. This created a lot of pressure and did not help me to dilate. By the grace of God I was able to stop fighting the contractions, and surrender to Him. All I needed to do was worship Him. I focused on those lyrics, and did just that.
Another song that impacted my worship for this entire labor was a song called "Worth It All" by Rita Springer. This song played a million times over the course of laboring, and each time brought joy and hope to my heart. It would be worth it in the end. I would meet you, and love you, and it would be worth all of the pain I was in.
My sweet boy you were so worth every contraction, every hour, every push. Much greater than that though was how much your mommy was able to know God more deeply. I have been through pain in my lift, physical and emotional. I have always prided myself on being strong, holding it together. This however was a time that your mommy had to surrender the strength, the energy, the birth. I have to give in to the contractions and give in the to fact that I had no strength left. I had to completely surrender to my God. This was a lesson that is so much more than your birth. God used your birth to changed and mold your mommy, so that when the tough times comes, and they will, I will surrender to my God, and by His grace and His strength alone, we can carry on.
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