Birth Doula

I have decided to go for a dream that I've had for a while. While I was pregnant with Gracelyn I had developed this passion for learning about pregnancy and birth. Although my birth with Gracelyn did not play out exactly as I had expected or hoped, I learned SO much from it. I don't think my passion would have developed as deep as it has if it weren't for my birth experience with Gracelyn.

I have decided to start my training to become a birth doula!

A doula is a support person for women during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Doula's help to inform women on their choices, support them through labor, help them plan their desires for their birth and accompany them during labor. A doula is not a medical professional, and cannot offer medical decisions, but rather helps to give the pros and cons to various decisions that need to be made, and help the pregnant mom to be informed to make a decision. Doula do not replace the husband, rather they can help assist the husband to know what to do during labor and what to be prepared for throughout the pregnancy.

I begin this week with my training and I am so excited for what is to come in learning. I should finish up in a few months with the training. I also have to assist 2 women through their pregnancy/birth as apart of my training. I am excited to see how God is going to use this passion and training in my future. Please pray with me as I begin my training. I am so passionate to help women understand the potential their bodies have, and how God created us.

"I think one of the best things we could do would be to help women/parents/families discover their own birth power, from within themselves. And to let them know it's always been there, they just needed to tap into it."

John H. Kennell, MD

Fears

I have not posted in a while, forgive me. I have been working through some things and school started back up, so it has been a bit busy.We just went on a week long family vacation with Tim's family. It was nice to be able to see them, we miss them so much!

I have really been struggling with fear lately. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unplanned, and fear of the uncontrollable. This came out a lot on vacation because I had never taken a baby on vacation before so there was a lot of unknowns that came along with it.

Tim's sweet amazing family has the wonderful quality that Tim has of being laid back. This is a wonderful thing to have, especially on a vacation. I however, struggled a lot with the unplanned and not knowing what to expect. I have always liked to "control" things but this has never been stronger as it has been lately. I think my desire to "control" things has grown lately due to all the things in my life that are "uncontrollable" such as Austin's death. Control is a funny thing. Do we ever really have control? The sense of security I feel from trying to control something is not founded on solid ground. There are so many things in life that I just frankly have no control over. Instead of allowing myself to get anxiety over it, I have instead decided, by the grace of God, to work on controlling one thing: my attitude.

One thing that I got to do on vacation that was very therapeutic for me was parasailing! I was about 300 feet above the island of Put-in-Bay. Of course I was scared, allowing a million thoughts of what could go wrong enter my mind. Finally I just relaxed, surrendered my fears and basked in God's Great Creation. I sang worship songs to ease my fears, and allow God to gain back control of my anxiety. Although this helped me while parasailing, God has continued to remind me when I have fears that He is God, He is Good, and He is faithful.

A step of faith for Tim & I has been deciding for me to go back to school. Tim is still in school full time, and working. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Gracelyn, for now. I decided to go back to Lincoln Christian and try to finish my associates before any other babies make their way into our lives. I should finish up next year. I am very excited to be able to do this, and learn deeper about God's word. Although going back to school has it's own fears of time and money, God is faithful and Good. It make get tough, but He will carry me through.

Sovereignty of God

Sometime I think that we tend to believe that we are the main characters in the story of our life, that God is just an added “extra” in our story, granted He may be an important “extra” but nonetheless there can only be one “main character” in the story of our life, and sadly, most of the time that is me. I think a lot of times we say the we surrendered our life to God, but it is hard to really see your life as completely surrendered. Do you really surrender your role as the main character? It is very hard sometimes to see my life as just an extra in God’s story. As an amazing blessing as this is, it is still hard for my prideful, American, ‘it’s all about me” lifestyle to grasp. When painful things happen in our life, it is very easy to ask, “how a loving God could allow this to happen?” The question takes on a completely different outlook when you approach it with the mindset that we are an extra in God’s story. Ultimately, whatever happens, as painful as it may be, God can turn it back to His Glory. Now, this may sound all fluffy and nice, but this doesn’t mean we wont experience pain, hurt, and disappointment, but we don't have to experience it alone.

I can only begin to imagine the vast difference of emotion that God is feeling when He looks upon different painful situations in my life. The emotions I feel after Austin’s death are so very contrasting and almost contradicting.

I am happy that Austin is no longer hurting and that God created an amazing story out of Austin’s life and death; but I am sad, very sad, that I don’t get to see his face every morning, that I don’t get to smile everyday as I watch him play with Gracelyn, and that I don’t get to stay up late talking and sharing with my brother.

I am at peace as I see God’s hand in Austin’s story, and that God was able to teach me so much during this time, and I am peaceful with understanding more about the sovereignty of God; but I am fearful, fearful of the unknown, I am fearful of what could happen in my life that would cause more pain.

I am so unbelievable excited when I think back and share about all the events in Austin’s life and what God taught us all during the month of June, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to use Austin’s story to heal, help, and bring hope to others; but I am also depressed, depressed that he is gone, depressed that Gracelyn will never know her uncle, and depressed that Austin never got to experience the joy of Christ while living on this earth.

I do not think that God caused the death of Austin, but I do believe that He used and is using the hurt, pain, and fear Austin felt, and the hurt, pain and fear I feel now for His Glory and His Goodness.

I have been reading over the story of Joseph in Genesis the past few weeks. This story is such a perfect example of the sovereignty of God amongst human choices. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and after 20 something years, he is reunited with his brothers when they come to the town to get food for the famine. The enter into Egypt to buy grain from the governor of the land, whom happened to be the brother they sold into slavery years ago. God was with Joseph, even with the evil actions of his brothers, God was with Joseph, and brought him out of slavery, out of prison, and into the palace to become the governor of the land. When Joseph confronts his brothers he says to them, You sold me, you did this to me, but God, God sent me!

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today.” Genesis 50:20

David Platt shared a very good explanation on how these two opposites, can coincide with one another:

“God did it all. Now how does this work? How can the brothers sell him and God send him? This is where we see, in the Old Testament and all throughout Scripture, two unexplainable friends. First, divine sovereignty, “God sent me. God did this. God sent me to be a slave, to be a prisoner. God did all of this.” So, God is in control of this whole picture, sovereign over the whole picture. But that does not mean that the brothers had nothing to do with it. Second, divine sovereignty and human responsibility, “You sold me into slavery. You decided to do that. You made a choice.” And so the picture here is divine sovereignty and human responsibility, both side by side. Now how do you reconcile those two together? Unexplainable, but undeniable. It’s all throughout Scripture. It’s the mystery of divine sovereignty and human responsibility, and we must be careful. The conclusion here that we’ve got to come to, based on this picture in Scripture, the responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We’ve got to be careful when we think about the sovereignty of God not to begin to think that we’re just puppets in a play, robotically doing whatever is mandated that we do. We have responsibility. We have choices that we are held responsible for. This is evident. The responsibility of man cannot be ignored. We are all responsible for the actions, decisions, choices we make. Responsibility of man cannot be ignored. At the same time, the will of God cannot be thwarted. God will carry out what He intends, guaranteed. Even in the worst of circumstances – slavery and an imprisoned dungeon – Joseph says, “God sent me here.” Divine sovereignty, human responsibility; the will of God cannot be thwarted. God intends things.”

So as I continue to feel the vast array of different emotions I hold onto the truth that God is sovereign; even in the pain, hurt, and fear. He is Lord.

Diary of a Dying Man

One week before Austin's death he wrote a journal entry. Austin hadn't journaled much, in fact this was his first and only entry in this journal. On this night, Tim & Aaron were talking with Austin outside and Austin began to tell them how unworthy he felt to even talk to God. Tim told Austin he should try to journal out his prayers. So later that night, Austin did just that.

Now, before I begin, I want to make extremely clear that I in no way want to ignore or overlook Austin's privacy in sharing his journal entry, however, after many conversations with Austin about what he wanted his life to mean, I know he would want me to share this to uplift, encourage, and comfort some of you. Austin told me many times that I could blog about his life because he truly wanted to help people. He wanted his story to make a impact on someones life. Little did he know how great of an impact he life is making now.

Here is his journal entry, I will post what it says underneath so you can read it better.

June 23, 2011

"God,

I know we haven't done this like this before so to begin, I ask that you can please help me to open myself up to you. I feel lost and forgotten, not just to you but to everyone. I feel like a big let down to everyone; like my life is just here to bother and test others. I need you now, I need your love and strength. I need to feel you and I wish to know you. I know that I have not allowed this before, but if you are the God I hear about, that you will be here for me now that I am willing and open to feel your love, your touch, your strength, your wisdom. If you could just reveal yourself to me, I believe I can be the person you made me to be. I feel like you don't think I am ready to know you. I fear that you don't think it is time for me to be done with this pain...like you need me to experience more hardships, but I don't have the strength to go back out alone. I will die if I don't find you now. It is not that I fear death, because I don't. To me it sounds like a release, but I fear that I will stay here and just hurt more people. I have too much guilt for the pain I have caused and I cannot hurt people anymore. In order to survive, the guilt will kill me. I need you God; I need you to help me to be the good person that I know I can be. I need to help others in order to fill this hole I have and to quench the guilt. Please forgive me and show me your light. Also, and most importantly help me to not give up while I am trying to find you. I need only enough to keep on going. If I don't find you now, I fear it will never happen. Thou will be done, not my own. Please help me to understand what your will is, so that I may fulfill it. I love you, at least the idea of you. If you are not there to help me, please show me my path or at least where to turn in order to stay on the path to you."

Austin Roberts

I would also like to add to the story of what we know about Austin's death. After an investigation from detectives, they believe what happened that night was that Austin went to Springfield to get drugs. There showed no signs of a planned suicide. Although the coroner has not ruled Austin's death yet, the detectives believe that it was an accidental overdose. Although no one will truly know what fully happened that night and where Austin's heart was at, I am blessed to get a glimpse into a conversation he had with God just a week before his death. I pray that you would be encouraged to pour your heart out to God as well. Sometimes our prayers are not perfect, or pretty, because sometimes our lives are not perfect and pretty. Don't be afraid to pour out to God how you truly feel. He knows it anyway!

A choice to make

It has been a very long week. Yesterday was the day of my brother Austin's funeral. In some ways I always kind of knew I would be there one day, but yet, I still seem to remain in such shock. It seriously blessed my heart so deeply to see the love and support of our friends and family, but it was very hard to see you all hurt as well.

Nothing about yesterday was easy, but yet God still showed up in amazing ways. I am so glad that God is using this blog to bring comfort and peace to some of you, but I want you all to know, this is the story God wrote, I am just relaying the message. I once again was taken aback by so many of you who were touched and encouraged by the story and life of Austin.

I have been struggling this week with keeping the reality of his death. I know he is gone. I know I will never see him again. I know he wont walk down my stairs holding Gracie. I know he wont sit in the stupid recliner in my living room playing video games. I know he wont call to ask me to pick him up from his sponsor's house. I know this, yet I am still struggling. As the shock slowly begins to fade, the realization of all of this is coming through. I find myself slipping out of reality. I can't seem to wrap my mind around Austin being dead. Most times I just feel like he is at rehab or back in Rockford.

My mind slowly begins to allow the reality to come back and this is when it hurts the most. Although I know he is gone, it isn't until I allow it into my reality that it truly hurts. And it isn't until I allow myself to experience this hurt that I can truly heal.

Who wants to feel pain though? It is so much easier to cope with pain by not thinking about it, covering it up with substances, or just allowing anger to build inside. I think a lot of times when tragedy strikes, I always tend to find it easier to deal with when I act like everything is okay.

I find it interesting to watch people during a tragedy and witness the different types of coping mechanisms. There is the person who is angry, the person who ignores it, the person who tries to make light of the situation by making jokes, the person who overreacts, and I am sure many more. We all deal with grief and pain differently. I know that without the Comfort of my God, I would tuck it all way down inside and try to ignore it, until it eats me alive.

I am amazed at how God has been carrying me through this past week. Now that we are back home, and things are about to get "back to normal", I think this is when it is going to be the toughest for me. Then funeral plans are over, the cards stop, the family is 2 hours away, Tim goes back to work, and it is just Gracie and I, alone. This is the point at which I can make a choice. A choice on how I am going to cope with the sadness, fear and pain. I can choose to tuck it away, I can choose to ignore it, or I can grab hold of this pain and hand it over to my God, and ask Him to carry me through, moment by moment.

How amazing is Our God?!

When Austin was living with us, (you can read about other posts here and here) we were working on Step 3 in the AA program. This step is this: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him." This step was difficult for Austin because he continued to say that he did not understand how to surrender to God. Austin was in such pain and agony and he continued to say that he didn't know how to do it. We read Psalm 25 together a lot, and it truly spoke to Austin. I will copy this Psalm for you to also read, and maybe it will help you to turn your life over to God, and surrender.

Psalm 24: 4-21

4 Show me your ways, LORD,

teach me your paths.

⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you, LORD, are good.

⁸ Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

⁹ He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

¹⁰ All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.

¹¹ For the sake of your name, LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹² Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?

He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.^[b]

¹³ They will spend their days in prosperity,

and their descendants will inherit the land.

¹⁴ The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

¹⁷ Relieve the troubles of my heart

and free me from my anguish.

¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

¹⁹ See how numerous are my enemies

and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;

do not let me be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope, LORD, is in you.

I have been in such awe of how God has already been working through this horrific event. I truly wish I could sit down with every single one of you who are reading this and share with you all the emails I have received and all the words people have shared. I have received words of love, prayer and encouragement. What dropped me to my knees this morning were all the emails I have received from some of you. I am blown away by how God is already using Austin's story to change your faith, and ultimately draw you closer to Him. He is doing just the same in me as well.

How truly astonishing that the Creator of the world, Father of Austin, would use this situation and bring goodness from it. Not that in anyway God caused this situation to happen, because that would be false. Sin has entered the world and because of that sin, we are separated from God, and it is also because of that sin that we see the pain, hurt, and death in this world. But please, have hope dear reader, that it is because of the love of our Father, that He sent His only Son to die a death that we deserved, so that He could be in relationship with us. I can only begin to imagine the sacrifice that was.

It is also because of His love and His goodness that He took this horrific situation with Austin, and turned it for His Glory. I have received word from some of you that God has used this testimony of Austin's life to rejuvenate your faith, and draw you into a deeper surrender to our Lord. Others of you, I have received emails from you that God has used Austin's testimony to reconnect Himself with you, after guilt, shame and fear has drawn you away. And from even more of you, I have been reading that God has used, in just this short amount of time, Austin's story to connect you with a God that you never knew before. HOW AMAZING IS OUR GOD!?

I woke up this morning to another email from one of you, and again it just floored me. I could do nothing than to drop to my knees in praise to my Father for how He is working.

Thank you all so very much for sharing with me how God is working in your life through this situation. Please continue to share, it is truly blessing my soul.

God's story in Austin

The last blog I posted was about my brother Austin, you can read it here to get an update on his stay living with us.

Austin lived with us for a month, he had struggles but I have never seen more miracles in my life than I did during this last month. We would stay up late most nights just talking about God, Christ, and how much He loved Austin. It was so amazing to see how much God worked in Austin's heart over this last month. In the beginning of his stay with us Austin began to acknowledged a Higher Power, but by the end of the month, we were sharing about Christ again and read in 1 John 5 with him. It looked like a light bulb went off in his head, and he said, "I can understand this now."

Austin never prayed a prayer of salvation that night, but I know how faithful my God is, and I KNOW that he spared Austin's life during SO many other suicide attempts so that Austin could have that month to know and understand God, and he did.

Saturday night was our best friends wedding. Tim & I & Gracie were all apart of the wedding party. My parents came down and attended the wedding with my brother. At the reception right before Austin left, I grabbed Gracelyn from him and told him I loved him and good bye. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Sunday afternoon we realized some money missing from our account and saw it got transferred into Austins account in the middle of the night. We began our search for him. The police tracked his phone to Springfield, IL so Monday morning (4th of July) my parents headed back down from Rockford to go with us to search for Austin.

We took 2 separate cars so that we would be able to cover more ground. Tim & I drove around, and spotted his car. Tim ran over and found him passed away. I will forever be grateful that Tim held me so that I would not see my brother in this way. I will never forget the screams I heard from my mom, or the look I witnessed on my dad's face.

As horrifying as this day was, I can still see God's hand in the story. Sparing his life so many other times just until Austin would have the opportunity to hear and learn about God. I am in such awe of my God and so thankful for the opportunity.

As I sat in the detectives office he was interviewing me about my relationship with my brother. I began to pour out the story of how God worked and what He did to spare Austin life during other attempts just so he would know Him. I told him about God and how much he did during Austin's stay with us. The detective looked at me with tears in his eyes, shut the recorder off, and said, "In my line of work, I struggle everyday with how there could be a God with how much hurt and pain there is in the world. But listening to you, I truly believe what you are saying, and how God worked."

God is going to take this horrible tragic event, and turn it for His goodness and His glory. What an AMAZING God we serve!!

So now, in my pain and tears, I choose to have God bring me down the journey of grief, because I do not want to do it on my own. May God receive ALL Glory.