Battle of the mind

I am not the most patient person. I like to have a plan, and know what is going to happen. A lot of this has to do with control I think. Somehow, I find myself thinking I have control over this whole life thing. It's times like now, that I realize (yet again) that I have no control. In all honesty, it is a true struggle for me.

I am sick of waiting, sick of hurting, and sick of wondering. Can she just be here already? I want so badly to meet my little girl, and I want her to be healthy. This may be my one and only pregnancy but yet I still find myself wanting nothing more than it to be over with. I feel guilty that I am not always appreciating the amazing gift of life that grows inside me, but some days, most day lately, I just want it to be done. I want to stop hurting and start getting my health back under control. I want to meet my baby. I want to see Tim as a daddy. I want to put on her first outfit. I want to be a mom.

So much change is going to occur when the day comes. Although it scares me deeply of this change, I feel like I am waiting for a life changing moment. A moment that seems a mystery as to when it will actually come. Will our life completely change today, or in 2 weeks? Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but when the pain has left me doing nothing but waiting for her, it feels like 2 years.

I was driving yesterday in the rain talking to my God. We were talking about my fears as a new mom, my fears for this natural labor, and my fears living in the unknown. I was comforted by Him. He doesn't want to throw me into motherhood scared and fearful, it is almost like these last few hours, days or weeks are a gift. (this was such a hard concept for me to allow into my heart, and still is) A gift of preparation. A gift to fall so deeply into his arms that when the fears of labor comes, I am so fully focused on Him that we can do it, together. When the fears of motherhood comes at 3 a.m., I shall not fear, because I am resting in His arms.

This is a time of preparation. I thought I was FULLY prepared to meet this sweet girl, and physically I am. I have all we need waiting and ready to go! Am I spiritually prepare? Am I resting in His arms, and focusing on Him?

I think He still has some preparing left to do with me. So for the next hour, day, or week, I will by the power of the Spirit, focus on the preparation God is working on, and remember that He already knows the PERFECT day for Gracelyn to come.

Please pray with me that I can continue to have this mindset throughout the rest of this pregnancy? It is a battle with the mind that I am truly struggling with.

Last trip to Rockford before baby

We had a wonderful weekend in Rockford this past weekend. We had our last baby shower and was blessed by the Schweitzer family and friends! It is always great to go home and see family. It was weird thinking that it was our last trip to Rockford without Gracelyn!

The Grandmas-to-be

Aaron and Julie came up to spend the weekend with us and take some maternity pictures for us. We had been looking forward to this photoshoot for some time because we had planned it in Rockford for a reason. When Tim & I first started dating 7 years ago we would go to this conservation park called LIB. We would go before school started in the morning and walk the trails talking about life and our amazing God. We have so many memories at this park and it was the place that meant the most to us in our dating relationship. We have not been back to this park since we got married but Aaron had the great idea to have our maternity pictures taken here! He knew how much we talked about this park and how significant it was to our relationship!

On Saturday morning was the baby shower and then the plan was to have our photoshoot afterwards. The baby shower went amazing and we headed back to my parents. I started getting really bad contractions along with a crohns flare that made me feel horrible. I laid on the couch for a few hours in bad pain and tears. I was getting SO upset because I kept thinking that this shoot wouldn't be able to happen. I know it sounds dumb, but this was the last time we would be there to get them done at this special spot. I started to feel a little bit better and the contractions slowed down so we left for LIB. I was so happy that I was feeling okay enough to smile for some pictures.

We pulled up to LIB. Staring at us was a huge sign that read "CLOSED HUNTING IN PROGRESS" I was immediately pissed. I wanted SO badly to have our pictures done here so we just parked on the street and decided we would just take a few at the opening of the conservation park. We were unable to go back on the trails which was disappointing. I was not in the best mood and the lighting wasn't great but after a pep talk from Tim, and the patience of Julie & Aaron through my hormonal self...we were able to get some great shots! We have a ton, and I have only edited a couple but here are a few so far that I like.

I am so grateful to have friends like Aaron & Julie who would take the time to drive up to take this pictures for us. It means a lot to have pictures of the 3 of us (me, Tim & Gracie) at the place that was so special to our relationship!

"Taking it easy"

I have a very hard time "taking it easy". Sure it is nice at times to relax, watch a movie, and kick my feet up. But to me, that is only nice for about two hours.

I am a very task-oriented person. This can be a good quality because I get things done, love to-do lists, and accomplish a lot in a short amount of time, but this also hinders me a great deal. At times I find my worth in accomplishing tasks. Now I have not really realized how deep this went until being "restricted" the last few weeks.

This may be the hormones talking, but I have been feeling low lately. Although the doctor says that I don't have to stay on bedrest but instead I just have to "take it easy", I find it very hard to do so. My body tells me to stay on the couch and relax, but my mind can't seem to handle this task. I try to do more, accomplish more, make more lists, anything to occupy my time. Well, I pay for it at nighttime. I hurt worse, my knee swells up, and I just plain feel awful. You'd think this would be enough to keep me in bed, but the problem lies in my feelings when I don't accomplish things during the day.

When I have gone through an entire day and don't have a list of things I've done, mentally, I feel worse than I would physically if I had accomplished things.

The last few weeks have honestly been downright depressing for me. I wish for the sake of sanity and my health, that I could be satisfied with my day in just "relaxing".

I know. I know. I know what you are thinking? "Enjoy this time Abby because soon it will be gone when the baby comes." I know. If I could just flip a switch to enjoy this downtime I would.

God gives us seasons in life. I know this is just a season of life that I am in, but if I can be honest with you, I feel like it will never end. I think the reason why I love to accomplish tasks, and be busy is because it distracts me. Distracts me from life's problems & pain. When I'm busy, it is easier not to think about the pain in my life & my family. When I am alone, on the couch "relaxing", the problems come to mind, the pain of life is there, and the anxiety of what is ahead is staring at me in the face.

I have no ending to this blog post. I have no story to which I was pulled out from underneath this dreary feeling. I just have the feelings, & a God who knows and understands them. A God who sits next to me as I type out my heart. A God who designed me to be a great task accomplisher.

This is just a season!

Pregnancy Fears

Well, it is 5:30 a.m. and I have been awake since 3 a.m. I usually wake up in the middle of the night now a days to go to the bathroom but tonight was different. I came back to bed after the bathroom and this time could NOT sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my mind that even though my body is so physically tired, my mind controlled me falling back into sleep.

I am in my third trimester now. The baby is due in 3 months, but will most likely be here in 2 according to the doctors. Although this brings such excitement and joy to see my sweet girl, it really hit me tonight.... at 3a.m.

I'm scared. I'm terrified.

I have all these thoughts running through my head and up until this point, I have had almost only happy, exciting thoughts about this baby coming. But now, now that it is getting closer & more real, I am scared.

I am scared that I wont know what to do. I am scared that I will wish the time away and miss out on the moment. I am scared about labor. I am scared that I wont breastfeed right, or that I wont get her schedule down. I am scared that I wont be a good mom. I am scared that she wont be healthy and I am terrified that I wont be healthy enough to be the mom she deserves! I am scared that she wont love Jesus, and that I wont show her enough of my love for Him. I am scared for my marriage, and how it wont ever be the same. I am scared for time, actual time spent for building up my marriage, my relationship with God, and for my relationship with my daughter. I am great at getting tasks done, but sometimes miss the most important things because of this. I am scared about money, and if I will ever be able to work. I am scared for Tim. I am scared that he has so much on his plate that he wont be able to be the father and husband he wants to be.

I want so much for my daughter and I am scared that I wont be able to give her what I want her to have. I want her to have hope in Christ, parents who love each other deeply, and the foundation to know her worth and acceptance through Him. I want her to have a healthy mom who can run & play with her. I want her to have a dad that would show her how beautiful she is and how no man can ever fulfill her except Christ alone.

There is so much I want for this precious girl growing inside me. As I live through the last few months before she comes my prayer is that God would not give me all I want, but instead that He would bring the peace and comfort to know that He is faithful to provide, that He loves her so much more than I could imagine, and that He is at work in our lives for His perfect timing and glory.

Convictions of the Spirit

When my relationship with God is in my hands, I will always be on a roller coaster of feeling close and feeling distant from Him.

When conviction comes through books, sermons, or through friends my immediate response is always, "okay so I need to do this more, or I need to stop doing this." My problem lies in that sure I may be able to give more, or wake up earlier to do devotions, but how long will that last? How long will I be able to do that for without falling again? I was sick of falling. I was sick of having to pick myself up again, and "start over."

My God has been telling me recently a new concept, a concept I never got when I first became a Christian. Although the concept seems like a "no duh!" to some people, and even to myself when I think about it. This concept was revealed to me with new eyes, with eyes opened by the Spirit and it was like I finally got it in a new way.

My Abba said to me, "Beloved, are you ready to get off the ride now?"

This seemed like such a crazy thought because to me, getting off the ride wasn't an option.

He picked me up, and carried me off the ride saying, "I am your strength, I am all that you need." It sounds so easy doesn't it? How often do I say "God is all I need?" and how much more often do I say "He is my strength" but think, "well when I need Him to be."

I have been riding this coaster of life of closeness to God, and distance from God but I have completely missed the point.

I can't do it, any of it. I can't even love Him without His help!!!!! I am nothing, BUT I know someone who is my Everything.

This is not a one time revelation that I have come to through His Spirit, but rather a moment by moment surrender to the Spirit. A surrender of my words, thoughts, and actions. because as we already covered, I am nothing, so my words, thoughts, and actions are of no value except the words, thoughts and actions I receive through the Spirit living in me.

What if we truly allowed the Spirit to be our everything? What would your life look like, would it be different? I find myself throughout my day "taking back over" my life. This is when I must resurrender to Him.

"Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?"

If I am living a like that is lukewarm, am I really surrendering it ALL to Him? I don't believe so. I think that our worldview is filled more with the way western culture and our world has Christianized things then the true Spirit and Word of God.

What does it look like to stop playing it safe? Francis Chan says in Crazy Love, "Something is wrong when our lives makes sense to unbelievers."

It is pride that keeps us from giving it all to Him, because that would mean also giving Him the glory. I must learn to listen and obey God because my society is filled with living my life "comfortably" and I'm not so sure that is how I, as a Christian, is called to live.

I leave you with this last quote, a quote that has brought strong conviction in my life recently that I may blog about at another time:

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens-they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them-they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live-they already have it figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and for the most part they are in good health. The trust is, their lives wouldn't look a whole lot different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."

This life is not something I can do, but only through the Spirit of God working in me.

Love Grace

I am so utterly humbled by the work the Lord is doing in my life. I am so undeserving of His love and grace, but yet He continues to pour it upon me. i had a moment last week, you know the kind of moment that stops you in your tracks and drops you to your knees?

How easy it is for me to get consumed by the "thorns" of this life and forget the AMAZING & CRAZY love He has for me. I was reminded by a story my husband told me about his day at work. He began to tell me about a customer he was helping, and how this customer wanted to know more about Tim and his life. Tim told him how I had been plagued with illness after illness and was near death just before our wedding day. Tim also told him of the struggles we have gone through because of my "unexplained" illnesses. The mans reply is what hit me (and Tim). Although I know what the man said to be true, and I have praised my Father for it, I still at some points seem to forget the magnitude of it. The man replied, "I am very sorry, and I am also sorry that she will Im sure not be able to get pregnant because of this."

There it is. The moment. As I stand listening to Tim tell me this story, it hits me. I know I shouldn't be pregnant, but some days I just seem to know it with my head and not my heart.

Grace was shown to Tim and myself in Tim's reply, "well sir, we are expecting a little girl in December!"
He gave us Grace. He has pour grace upon Tim and I in a way I believe I will continue to learn. Our sweet Gracie girl has been one of the biggest signs of grace in my life, and she isn't even here yet!

There is SO much I have to learn, and so much He still has to teach me, it seems as though I tend to get into the way when He tries to teach me something.

attempts at death

I can't even begin to imagine the pain my parents are in. To watch your first born want nothing more than to end his life has to be one of the hardest things for a parent to live through. The pain, fear and helplessness that has gripped my family seems almost suffocating.

Although it is by marriage, I finally got a sister 3 years ago when they married. No one said marriage was easy, and this was never more true than for them. She has held on through such devastating disappointments, and I am so thankful for that. Now, in the height of the unknown, she grips closer to him, reassuring him of her love for him. By this I am so humbled.

Although this has not been the first attempt by any means, it seems different. I am not a child anymore, but my childhood reactions seem to come into place immediately. I tuck the hurt away. I tuck the fear away. I put up my shield of strength and say to myself, "He will get through this, he has 20 other times." I have learned to deal with the attempts and to manage the pain that comes along with them. but it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday....i have dealt with my brother's suicide attempts for half of my life, but never a suicide. I don't even allow myself to think it could actually come to that.

God has saved my brother in his attempts to end his life many times. This attempt was no different. I always believed that there was a reason that he has continued to be "saved" after each attempt...but I think it is just a coping method for me to believe he cant die now.

I don't know how to handle death, only just attempts at death. I hurt for him. I hurt that he is living a life that he so desperately wants to end. The pain he must feel I wont ever understand.

I wont pray for him to live. That's all he has been doing from one attempt to another, just living. I will pray for him to heal. I see it only as torture for him to continue to live with the hope of death.

My guilt and regret is building. I wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel, but when I saw him in the hospital bed, no words could surface. My courage disappeared, and I said nothing. How could I say nothing to my dying brother? I feel like a failure and a coward.

I only know how to deal with attempts....but not the success of an attempt. and I hope I never will.